Help Will my life get better? Or did I mess it all up?

[Misery99]

I'm running out of time and after less than a month, I'm expected to be leaving behind the country which I lived in my whole life since I was born, to live in a country which I had never been to before. It happens through a marriage since I got married to a man whom I met online many years ago.

Speaking of him, he's couple years younger than me and he was my first ever real life relationship and it's him whom took my virginity too. But I had met him only 3 times in total because of the great distance between our countries. When online, our relationship is almost perfect because he always make sure to text and call me without me having to ask for it. And he had never said anything too hurtful or criticized my lack of achievements in life. And also he's very understanding, generous, protective and supportive too. We have a great emotional connection. And specially in a long distance relationship, it's very important since we can't meet each other often in person.

But we lack chemistry as a couple in real life. I didn't enjoy sex with him since he's mostly focusing in sex only and not enough hugging, kissing and cuddling to build up the romance. But since he had bad breath, kissing him didn't feel nice anyway.
And also I had recently started getting doubts about if he's actually gay or bisexual because of his unusual friendship with a guy whom he had met while working. He had encouraged him to buy unnecessary stuff like several guns which he didn't own before. I have noticed that he has some trust issues and jealousy issues too and that he prefers me to live sheltered just like how my parents made me live. And he had said pretty misogynistic stuff like before that he doesn't like rebellious type of women and that all women's duty should be having children and if a woman have sex without hoping to get pregnant, then she's a wh*re. He also uses mushrooms to get high sometimes and he had used weed before too but only when he's at home and not working.
So I'm worried if I will lose the chance to experience the freedom in my life since my parents basically caged me too when I was younger.

I did not have enough experiences with relationships in life. Even if I did, it has always been long distance situationships. Firstly I wasted years of my youth obsessing over a bad guy whom I met online. He was a local person but was living in another country. I had met him only about two times in real life after he visited here. It turned out that he was just a player after all. That made me not want to ever date a local guy again because most men in my country are more misogynistic and less trustworthy than usual.

I met someone from here on SS forum but he lives in another country and he has his own issues to deal with too. We met only one time in real life and it was nice and we had great chemistry but we didn't have sex. It was the first and only time I met someone else outside of marriage and I have always been very faithful in marriage. But knowing how hypersexual my partner is, there's no way that he didn't have any sex during all those two years while being away from each other. One time I had even found out that he had searched for escorts online near the area which he was working at. But he doesn't know that I saw his search history on our joint email account. He had called himself as hypersexual before and me on the other hand, I'm not hypersexual and I'm more of a romantic kind of person. I think sex mixed with romance must be the best but I haven't personally experienced that in life.

So I'm pretty uncertain about how my life turn out in a completely different country and culture. I never had loving and supportive family so that's a big reason why I even agreed to move to another completely different place. I don't know how the outcome will be. But my parents had only made my life miserable by their narcissistic and selfish behavior. And I have nobody to lean on here.

 

[MyLastTour]

The apprehensiveness you're feeling right now is very normal and expected for making such a massive decision, especially given your concerns over partner. One of the unfortunate parts of long distance relationships is that a lot of issues that would present in-person aren't going to crop up. He does sound nice online, but that's something you could reasonably fake.

You could interpret his actions in several different ways, but it doesn't sound like you two are a great fit currently, and I get the sense you're aware of that. If you want to try making this work, or at least making it better, I'd recommend trying to bring some of your concerns up to him. If he's not faking his care for you, he'll hopefully value your wants and needs enough to see that there needs to be a change for you two to have a good relationship. And if not, I guess that'll give you an idea of how healthy this marriage would be. The lacking chemistry is what stuck out to me the most, maybe you just need more time together, but it might also not be something you can resolve.

I guess it complicates things with having a shitty home life, so having anyone willing to support you is better at that point. Still, I'd recommend thinking about what you'd do if things hypothetically didn't work out with this guy and what your options would be then. I think your best bet might be bringing some of your concerns up in a way that isn't confrontational, and maybe asking if you could delay the wedding a little to spend some more time together on romantically centered dates.

 

[Misery99]

The apprehensiveness you're feeling right now is very normal and expected for making such a massive decision, especially given your concerns over partner. One of the unfortunate parts of long distance relationships is that a lot of issues that would present in-person aren't going to crop up. He does sound nice online, but that's something you could reasonably fake.

You could interpret his actions in several different ways, but it doesn't sound like you two are a great fit currently, and I get the sense you're aware of that. If you want to try making this work, or at least making it better, I'd recommend trying to bring some of your concerns up to him. If he's not faking his care for you, he'll hopefully value your wants and needs enough to see that there needs to be a change for you two to have a good relationship. And if not, I guess that'll give you an idea of how healthy this marriage would be. The lacking chemistry is what stuck out to me the most, maybe you just need more time together, but it might also not be something you can resolve.

I guess it complicates things with having a shitty home life, so having anyone willing to support you is better at that point. Still, I'd recommend thinking about what you'd do if things hypothetically didn't work out with this guy and what your options would be then. I think your best bet might be bringing some of your concerns up in a way that isn't confrontational, and maybe asking if you could delay the wedding a little to spend some more time together on romantically centered dates.

Yes, unfortunately it's true. I think that's another reason why many people fail at the long distance relationships because we can't truly know what's going in the other partner's life. They could have been living a double life all that time and we would still not have an idea about it. Since I have been treated unfairly by my own parents and some of my siblings, I find it very special if someone shows some kindness to me and make me feel like I'm important to them...and that might make me overlook some personality traits which many other people would consider as red flags...I would be thinking like at least that person cared enough about me, more than my own parents and some siblings did.

I think I don't have a clear idea about how a healthy relationship should be because of seeing how my parents were fighting when I was a kid. My dad was an alcoholic and he was always angry even when he wasn't drunk...He had never shown any affection towards his children...and my mom used to have some extramarital sexual affairs, which I had to witness since I was a little kid and it made me feel traumatized for life. So yeah my parents were very selfish and evil. They don't deserve to be parents at all.

 

[MyLastTour]

Yes, unfortunately it's true. I think that's another reason why many people fail at the long distance relationships because we can't truly know what's going in the other partner's life. They could have been living a double life all that time and we would still not have an idea about it. Since I have been treated unfairly by my own parents and some of my siblings, I find it very special if someone shows some kindness to me and make me feel like I'm important to them...and that might make me overlook some personality traits which many other people would consider as red flags...I would be thinking like at least that person cared enough about me, more than my own parents and some siblings did.

I think I don't have a clear idea about how a healthy relationship should be because of seeing how my parents were fighting when I was a kid. My dad was an alcoholic and he was always angry even when he wasn't drunk...He had never shown any affection towards his children...and my mom used to have some extramarital sexual affairs, which I had to witness since I was a little kid and it made me feel traumatized for life. So yeah my parents were very selfish and evil. They don't deserve to be parents at all.

All kids deserve parents, but not all parents deserve kids. While I can't say I know you personally, you seem very self-aware, which is an amazing strength to have on your side. Knowing how your circumstances might have/be affecting your decision-making is good, but it does also makes sense you might not see red flags in someone purely for how much better it feels to just be seen and accepted.

Do you have friends or other people you can trust to talk to about this sort of stuff? Sometimes getting someone else's opinion is a good way to cover your blindspots.