Story Will it ever end?

[Notlivingjustbreathi]

Hi i'm new here, this is part of my story. I'm 28 years old and I have depression, anxiety and C-PTSD. I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD when I was 8 years old after being abused by 5 members of my family which started on my 3rd birthday. Growing up I have had nothing but hurt and abuse of everyone I was ever close with including my husband who I have 5 children too. Now I'm at the point where I have distanced myself away from everyone including my kids by locking myself away in my room 24/7 I've become severely depressed and have attempted to take my own life 5 times in the last 6 months. I'm scared of being hurt again, and I'm scared my life will affect my children which is why I lock myself away from them, I want to protect them from me, All I think about every morning is why? Why does this have to happen to me, why am I still alive, and why was I born to be hurt and abused all my life? I have no hope anymore and I know I don't deserve to be happy.

 

[not_a_robot]

Hi i'm new here, this is part of my story. I'm 28 years old and I have depression, anxiety and C-PTSD. I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD when I was 8 years old after being abused by 5 members of my family which started on my 3rd birthday. Growing up I have had nothing but hurt and abuse of everyone I was ever close with including my husband who I have 5 children too. Now I'm at the point where I have distanced myself away from everyone including my kids by locking myself away in my room 24/7 I've become severely depressed and have attempted to take my own life 5 times in the last 6 months. I'm scared of being hurt again, and I'm scared my life will affect my children which is why I lock myself away from them, I want to protect them from me, All I think about every morning is why? Why does this have to happen to me, why am I still alive, and why was I born to be hurt and abused all my life? I have no hope anymore and I know I don't deserve to be happy.

Why on earth would you think you don't deserve to be happy? Is suicide a new thought for you?
I wish you were in Belgium. At least there they understand it is inhumane to expect someone to go on after experiences have completely broken them. Good luck finding an escape.

 

[Notlivingjustbreathi]

Why on earth would you think you don't deserve to be happy? Is suicide a new thought for you?
I wish you were in Belgium. At least there they understand it is inhumane to expect someone to go on after experiences have completely broken them. Good luck finding an escape.

Everytime I try to be happy something always happens that brings me back down, It's like I'm not allowed to be happy. I've started being suicidal aged 13 then was better for a while then november last year I became suicidal again due to having A nervous breakdown caused by my dads death, my husband and family members.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I was abused too and my desire to ctb is driven by the flashbacks and nightmares about that that dominate my life. I feel so dirty all the time and nobody seems to understand how debilitating the sensations of that dirt are. I'm tired of being told to distract myself, it doesn't help, nothing helps anymore.

I'm sorry for what you went through and are suffering with now, it's awful.

 

[Notlivingjustbreathi]

I was abused too and my desire to ctb is driven by the flashbacks and nightmares about that that dominate my life. I feel so dirty all the time and nobody seems to understand how debilitating the sensations of that dirt are. I'm tired of being told to distract myself, it doesn't help, nothing helps anymore.

I'm sorry for what you went through and are suffering with now, it's awful.

*hugs* I know exactly what you mean about feeling dirty its like its been deeply engraved into your body, my body doesn't belong to me because they branded it, I used to sit in the shower for hours at a time scrubbing my body until it bled, I did this for several years. The nightmares are horrific I wake up in pain as if its just happened, the worst one is when I dream it happens to my daughter :(

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

*hugs* I know exactly what you mean about feeling dirty its like its been deeply engraved into your body, my body doesn't belong to me because they branded it, I used to sit in the shower for hours at a time scrubbing my body until it bled, I did this for several years. The nightmares are horrific I wake up in pain as if its just happened, the worst one is when I dream it happens to my daughter :(

I do the shower scrubbing still. Sometimes I have 8 showers a day, but as soon as the water goes off i feel dirty again but i can't stop. The dirt is inside, so it doesn't reach there anyway-totally irrational!

I'm sorry about your nightmares, I'm sure you are protecting your daughter.

 

[Notlivingjustbreathi]

I'm sorry it happened to you, How anyone can do that to another person is beyond me, they don't realise what damage it causes! They live their lives while we live a life sentence. I do protect my daughter, In fact I'm too overprotective with her my boys get more freedom than her and she is the eldest, but she is more vulnerable too.

 

[lastNamePicked]

you were most likely brought up in a household of people with cluster b personality disorder. what you describe is very typical for people raised under such circumstances. the core of cluster b is a lack of empathy and self-centralization which leads to abuse - very typically on family members.
now you might ask yourself : why ? but you will not receive an answer to it because those resposible do not feel any sense of guilt or understand the extent to which their behaviour is dysfunctional fully. they themselves have developed disorders - even genetics play a role. reality is cruel: this is all part of how children cope with emotional neglect during their early years.
knowing this: now you would want to do anything in your might to prevent your children from becoming so; to stop that fateful cycle. i wish you good luck.

 

[Notlivingjustbreathi]

you were most likely brought up in a household of people with cluster b personality disorder. what you describe is very typical for people raised under such circumstances. the core of cluster b is a lack of empathy and self-centralization which leads to abuse - very typically on family members.
now you might ask yourself : why ? but you will not receive an answer to it because those resposible do not feel any sense of guilt or understand the extent to which their behaviour is dysfunctional fully. they themselves have developed disorders - even genetics play a role. reality is cruel: this is all part of how children cope with emotional neglect during their early years.
knowing this: now you would want to do anything in your might to prevent your children from becoming so; to stop that fateful cycle. i wish you good luck.

It does sound like that tbh, I never received counselling until recent but its too late now as no one can help me anymore, my mum new everything that was happening, even walked in a couple of times and also encouraged it, then abandoned me for 2 years and left me with the abusers, she came back when I was 7 years old with my new step dad who had taken me away from them all just for emotional and physical abuse to continue to happen even from her until I turned 18 when I met hubby and had children, then experienced emotional abuse from him too, every adult in my life has hurt me in some way, so now I'm closed of from everyone to stop myself being hurt again, I feel stuck in a big black hole and I can't get out of it.

 

[21Neberg]

Hi i'm new here, this is part of my story. I'm 28 years old and I have depression, anxiety and C-PTSD. I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD when I was 8 years old after being abused by 5 members of my family which started on my 3rd birthday. Growing up I have had nothing but hurt and abuse of everyone I was ever close with including my husband who I have 5 children too. Now I'm at the point where I have distanced myself away from everyone including my kids by locking myself away in my room 24/7 I've become severely depressed and have attempted to take my own life 5 times in the last 6 months. I'm scared of being hurt again, and I'm scared my life will affect my children which is why I lock myself away from them, I want to protect them from me, All I think about every morning is why? Why does this have to happen to me, why am I still alive, and why was I born to be hurt and abused all my life? I have no hope anymore and I know I don't deserve to be happy.

I cant imagine what you endured, being abused at such a young age. You say in your post that you don't deserve happiness, but I disagree with you. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

 

[Notlivingjustbreathi]

I cant imagine what you endured, being abused at such a young age. You say in your post that you don't deserve happiness, but I disagree with you. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

I wish that was true, i've been brought up to believe I don't deserve anything. My mum drummed into me I was only born to be hurt abused and cause misery and destruction everywhere I turn. But thankyou :)

 

[lastNamePicked]

I wish that was true, i've been brought up to believe I don't deserve anything. My mum drummed into me I was only born to be hurt abused and cause misery and destruction everywhere I turn. But thankyou :)

did your mother deliberately let you get raped ?

 

[Notlivingjustbreathi]

did your mother deliberately let you get raped ?

Yes, she knew what was happening and on my 3rd birthday when it started she encouraged it.

 

[lastNamePicked]

Yes, she knew what was happening and on my 3rd birthday when it started she encouraged it.

that is so outragous and disgusting of a behaviour that it's actually surprising you found the courage to start a relationship with a man at all. and that very man who probably knew of all this did abuse you himself. this world has treated you like garbage, it's just sad.

 

[Notlivingjustbreathi]

that is so outragous and disgusting of a behaviour that it's actually surprising you found the courage to start a relationship with a man at all. and that very man who probably knew of all this did abuse you himself. this world has treated you like garbage, it's just sad.

When I met my husband I was on a self destruct mode, he's 12 years older than me, he already had a girlfriend and I was drunk at a party, when we apparently got together, I don't actually remember but from then on he's made sure I stayed with him. His girlfriend finally finished with him after 5 years of being in a relationship with me and pregnant with my 3rd child 2 years later we got married. He made sure I had no other boyfriends etc and he 's been in control for the last 10 years, never laid a hand on me just constant mind games.

 

[lastNamePicked]

When I met my husband I was on a self destruct mode, he's 12 years older than me, he already had a girlfriend and I was drunk at a party, when we apparently got together, I don't actually remember but from then on he's made sure I stayed with him. His girlfriend finally finished with him after 5 years of being in a relationship with me and pregnant with my 3rd child 2 years later we got married. He made sure I had no other boyfriends etc and he 's been in control for the last 10 years, never laid a hand on me just constant mind games.

pretty much sounds like he views you as a toy - an object to use for pleasure. in your position it is understandable that you do not have the resources to move away from him. does he take care of the children at least ?

 

[Notlivingjustbreathi]

pretty much sounds like he views you as a toy - an object to use for pleasure. in your position it is understandable that you do not have the resources to move away from him. does he take care of the children at least ?

You're right there, that's exactly what he thinks of me but yeah he's a very good dad, one thing I can say that's good about him.