mimiopo22
Specialist
- Dec 4, 2020
- 380
hello, i've been here before. i can't remember if i've explained my trauma exactly, i don't know if anyone remembers me. today i'm going to see a psychologist for the second time, after having already spoken to another psychologist. everything came back up after having another strong relationship that will be ruined because of my mental and physical state. i don't see any way out. i'm thinking of contacting a neurosurgeon. tell me if it helps. (i have since gone to two other opticians with useless results, they said I have no problems with my vocal cords, all reading without understanding.)
(a bit long, I apologise) I want to tell you about a mistake I made when I was fourteen, but it's a rather anomalous mistake that I can't explain, even though it's something I managed to do and it really happened: one day I was at my grandparents' house and I was listening to some audios on whatsapp sent to my friends, as I used to do I thought my voice sucked (who doesn't? ) only mine was a fixed thought, moreover at that time I had accumulated stress and felt my voice lower and shrill, all this made me have "five minutes of madness", my first mental breakdown and I thought I wanted a new voice, accepting the consequences (me, who almost went numb in the face if I broke a word with my normal voice. I controlled myself too much) this thing was not planned and I didn't even do research on how to improve my voice (I would have saved myself if I had gone to the psychologist and just accepted it) I just wanted it different! it was almost a child's 'game' (I used to make movements with my throat to speak more often, or I used to get a lot of air from my belly), I asked myself what I could do to change my voice, I told myself that I had to do something I had never done before so I played the lowest but lowest possible sound with my throat, I tried to say a word on that line, a word pronounced with that different and 'dead' voice and after that I was never able to speak like before. my vocal cords were like stuck, my real voice was gone forever, I caused myself self-damage. I had never before made such an abnormal sound, so low and this vocal trauma I attribute to that. it's just that if anyone else does it, they can't do it and that's what i don't understand, as if i managed to make something i really wanted come true. i made like "aaa" right with the back of my throat in the most "dead" way possible and i pronounced a word in that dead way and my voice remained like that. I became inaudible, hoarse, monotonous, strange, I lost all my language skills. I couldn't pronounce any words normally anymore. everything that is part of the vocal area got blocked. I spoke like a bot/zombie and with a super whispered voice, like someone who had a severe trauma... I also had stages of aphonia. there was a period when i was sick because i couldn't speak well and my control over my voice had dropped further and my brain had stopped telling me that you move your lips when you speak and i couldn't look anyone in the eyes anymore. it's like i had an invisible stroke, the symptoms were for all intents and purposes those of a real dysarthria. my mind was blocked and i have felt no feeling in my whole body since then. i know it sounds absurd. i lost my facial expressions, i move slowly, i used to be more frantic. now i feel practically all the dead organs in my body and i can no longer breathe well. my voice has been 're-established' for two and a half years but in a way that is completely my own, with the habit of speaking, I didn't turn to anyone at first because I didn't hope for any improvement, I improved with tone and volume on my own year after year, from no longer moving my lips I slowly learnt to speak on my own, but my voice has remained very low and with a timbre that is absolutely different from my original timbre, now it has a dark, cavernous, almost man-like timbre. I speak in a slow, dull, flat way, I struggle to speak, my voice is breathy and thin, weak... that's the edge of my voice that's left. My voice is so weak that it cracks or becomes hoarse/whispery involuntarily and this never used to happen. my accent has also changed. i often have to repeat myself and if i'm in a place with a lot of noise i 'disappear'. before, my way of speaking was sweet, beautiful, elaborate, consistent, full, cheerful, spontaneous. A primary school teacher told me that I was one of the best at reading. now I don't know how much I can do, but I can't switch from one voice to the other... asking to have my voice back is like asking to have emma marrone's voice, but the voice I want back is my own. it's absurd. now I set my voice just differently, I have a different, slower attack. what i say scatters in the air like a wind and forms a ridiculous, funny sound, as if i were speaking in falsetto. my voice reminds me of a slight nasal whistle, a small voice with an accent strangely even more southern than before. that's how i feel like speaking and so i speak like this. The fact is that I feel like I've lost my roots and my family doesn't seem familiar to me either. I don't recognise myself in all this. how can I feel natural again? a while ago I went to an ophthalmologist (I had a fibrolaryngoscopy) and speech therapist and they both told me that I don't have anything but that they don't know my original voice and history, which I didn't explain out of shame and because I was convinced that I had something organic and that I could solve it by starting with the excuse "I hear my voice lower than usual and I don't know why". But a few weeks ago I found an old recording of my normal voice posted on a website that I had found some time before and I fell back on it. even though I can now speak my voice is no longer the same. sometimes I wish I had a magic ball and I could hear what my voice is like now in a parallel world where nothing has happened because I'm afraid that I'll never really feel "me" again, I don't talk to anyone anymore, my voice changes with puberty but mine hasn't followed a natural flow of voice change
(a bit long, I apologise) I want to tell you about a mistake I made when I was fourteen, but it's a rather anomalous mistake that I can't explain, even though it's something I managed to do and it really happened: one day I was at my grandparents' house and I was listening to some audios on whatsapp sent to my friends, as I used to do I thought my voice sucked (who doesn't? ) only mine was a fixed thought, moreover at that time I had accumulated stress and felt my voice lower and shrill, all this made me have "five minutes of madness", my first mental breakdown and I thought I wanted a new voice, accepting the consequences (me, who almost went numb in the face if I broke a word with my normal voice. I controlled myself too much) this thing was not planned and I didn't even do research on how to improve my voice (I would have saved myself if I had gone to the psychologist and just accepted it) I just wanted it different! it was almost a child's 'game' (I used to make movements with my throat to speak more often, or I used to get a lot of air from my belly), I asked myself what I could do to change my voice, I told myself that I had to do something I had never done before so I played the lowest but lowest possible sound with my throat, I tried to say a word on that line, a word pronounced with that different and 'dead' voice and after that I was never able to speak like before. my vocal cords were like stuck, my real voice was gone forever, I caused myself self-damage. I had never before made such an abnormal sound, so low and this vocal trauma I attribute to that. it's just that if anyone else does it, they can't do it and that's what i don't understand, as if i managed to make something i really wanted come true. i made like "aaa" right with the back of my throat in the most "dead" way possible and i pronounced a word in that dead way and my voice remained like that. I became inaudible, hoarse, monotonous, strange, I lost all my language skills. I couldn't pronounce any words normally anymore. everything that is part of the vocal area got blocked. I spoke like a bot/zombie and with a super whispered voice, like someone who had a severe trauma... I also had stages of aphonia. there was a period when i was sick because i couldn't speak well and my control over my voice had dropped further and my brain had stopped telling me that you move your lips when you speak and i couldn't look anyone in the eyes anymore. it's like i had an invisible stroke, the symptoms were for all intents and purposes those of a real dysarthria. my mind was blocked and i have felt no feeling in my whole body since then. i know it sounds absurd. i lost my facial expressions, i move slowly, i used to be more frantic. now i feel practically all the dead organs in my body and i can no longer breathe well. my voice has been 're-established' for two and a half years but in a way that is completely my own, with the habit of speaking, I didn't turn to anyone at first because I didn't hope for any improvement, I improved with tone and volume on my own year after year, from no longer moving my lips I slowly learnt to speak on my own, but my voice has remained very low and with a timbre that is absolutely different from my original timbre, now it has a dark, cavernous, almost man-like timbre. I speak in a slow, dull, flat way, I struggle to speak, my voice is breathy and thin, weak... that's the edge of my voice that's left. My voice is so weak that it cracks or becomes hoarse/whispery involuntarily and this never used to happen. my accent has also changed. i often have to repeat myself and if i'm in a place with a lot of noise i 'disappear'. before, my way of speaking was sweet, beautiful, elaborate, consistent, full, cheerful, spontaneous. A primary school teacher told me that I was one of the best at reading. now I don't know how much I can do, but I can't switch from one voice to the other... asking to have my voice back is like asking to have emma marrone's voice, but the voice I want back is my own. it's absurd. now I set my voice just differently, I have a different, slower attack. what i say scatters in the air like a wind and forms a ridiculous, funny sound, as if i were speaking in falsetto. my voice reminds me of a slight nasal whistle, a small voice with an accent strangely even more southern than before. that's how i feel like speaking and so i speak like this. The fact is that I feel like I've lost my roots and my family doesn't seem familiar to me either. I don't recognise myself in all this. how can I feel natural again? a while ago I went to an ophthalmologist (I had a fibrolaryngoscopy) and speech therapist and they both told me that I don't have anything but that they don't know my original voice and history, which I didn't explain out of shame and because I was convinced that I had something organic and that I could solve it by starting with the excuse "I hear my voice lower than usual and I don't know why". But a few weeks ago I found an old recording of my normal voice posted on a website that I had found some time before and I fell back on it. even though I can now speak my voice is no longer the same. sometimes I wish I had a magic ball and I could hear what my voice is like now in a parallel world where nothing has happened because I'm afraid that I'll never really feel "me" again, I don't talk to anyone anymore, my voice changes with puberty but mine hasn't followed a natural flow of voice change
