T

time2go

Student
Mar 5, 2019
126
I'd always seen it as irrational too want to die over a broken heart, but I understand now.

A few years ago I wanted to die because I thought I'd never find love. I've loved and I've lost now, destroyed by my own hand. And it's torn me apart.

She lit up my life in the darkest of times.

Heading out for another reckless night of binge drinking and a potential one night stand. I went too one of the locals resteraunts/bars, that's where I met her for the first time. She had just recently moved to the area and had just recently started working here. I was in love with her instantly, and I later found out that she was too. She was having a couple drinks after her shift and we hit it off immediately. Funny, intelligent, drop dead gorgeous. She was the one for me, and I was the one for her.

It took me a while too ask her out, but we were basically a couple by then. My cool, calm laid back persona became real-life as I grew into the front that I had always showed to hide my inner pain. She goddamn saved me from myself.

What followed was heaven, I was living the dream. We became best friends and did everything together. She turned too me one night and asked me never too hurt her, never too leave her. I assured her, and meant every fucking word of it.

No matter what we were doing we were always having fun together, and even if we were out with our friends it may aswell just been me and her, we were inseparable.

We went on holidays, weekends away, various trips too various places and regular dinner and movie dates, I was happier than I ever had been, happier than I ever thought I could be. Talks of moving in together eventually became a reality as her parents prepared too move away. It was very sudden and unexpected, I wasn't quite ready for it yet. She stayed here too be with me, and I broke her fucking heart.

I don't know exactly when I started too fall apart, it happened slowly. So many things were overwhelming me and stressing me out. And for what ever reason I kept it all to myself. I slowly began too push her away as I started too become depressed again, she was constantly seeking assurance that I still loved her, and I did. It took me far too long too realise that I wasn't doing enough too show her what she meant too me anymore.

I became lazy and distant, she tried everything for me but I scraped along on the bare minimum. I'd cry on the sofa at night wondering what was wrong with me, while she was crying in bed worrying about me. I still didn't say anything and I don't know why. There was a brief period where I picked myself up and was myself again, but I quickly crashed and burned out again. I started staying at my parents house when I was feeling particularly down, suicidal thoughts started too creep in. And I started too convince myself that I wasn't good enough anymore, that she would be better off without me.

After one particularly night at my parents crying and contemplating death, I walked into our place the next day and broke her heart. I was living my life long dream, and I had turned it into a nightmare. She begged me too stay and I knew I wanted too, but I just couldn't find the inner strength too reach out and tell her how I was feeling about myself. I don't even know exactly why I was putting myself down so much, but I was crumbling.

In the days that followed we still told each other we loved each other. I still went too see her too make sure she was okay. But by the time I fully realised what I was doing it was too late. I went back a begged for forgiveness. She told me she still loved me and wounds easily take me back in, but I had hurt her and she needed space and time too think. She still held a candle too my heart but you can't keep a flame burning in the storm. And whatever was left, a full on mental breakdown was about too burn it all too the ground.

It started slowly, but the more I got knocked back the deeper I fell. I tried so hard, but I was saying all the wrong things at the wrong time. I was in no fit state of mind. I knew I should have been giving her space but I just couldn't stop myself. I was achieving not other than pushing her further away. There were times where I thought I was making progress but that was just hopeless delusion. Christmas came and went, I love Christmas but I was pleased too see it go. It was awful. I spent new years eve crying on my own at midnight.

Then came an idea, we had spent Christmas apart. Why not buy her a shit load of presents and write her a meaningful letter and give her a belated Christmas? That has too work? I never got too find out.

I dropped off the presents at was once our house while she was at work. I was excited, but incredibly nervous. So I went for a drink, and a few more, and a few more. Total blackout drunk. I woke up the next morning with a hangover from hell and a feeling of absolute dread. I knew I had done something. A quick message too her and I found out I had turned up at her work, caused a scene, fucked off for abit. Then turned up at her house in absolute hysterics. I've never been a crazy person, and I was well and truly ashamed with myself. In her eyes I was done, and I couldn't blame her.

It was this point I knew, I would be dead soon. I've tried too pick myself up but I just can't do it. I just can't go on without her, but I can't expect her too save me again, she doesn't know I'm suicidal. She never did.

I've become obsessed with dates. Counting the days weeks and months since the day I walked out, or since certain days we spent together. I had never be a crier, not even as a baby. I can't remember the last time I've went a day without crying. I'm literally on my knees every night praying that she will reach out too me, but I know she won't. And the urge too reach out too her is always there, but I know I can't I've tried too many times. And people just seem too love reminding me how much I've fucked up, I agree, but it fucking hurts like hell.

The heartache cuts deeper everyday. The guilt and the shame is crippling. My mind slips further into the gutter with each passing day. Depression, anxiety, paranoia, regret, heartache, guilt, shame and whatever else. It's agonizing, it's too much and it all brings on one thing. Absolute soul crushing sadness.

I just want the sadness too go away.

I've tried too make peace with myself. And as I've accepted that I want too die, I've began too make peace, a little bit anyway. I'm in a state of disbelief that I actually tried too walk away from the best thing that ever happened too me, the girl of my dreams, the girl who saved me. I'm disgusted at my self, I hate myself.

Everything is ready now, I have my sn and antiemetics. My tagamet has just came earlier than expected. My letters are done and instructions are in place. I can go when I'm ready, which has too be soon. I know a day will come where she finds a new boyfriend, she won't have a problem as I know she has men falling at her feet. I'm not angry at her, she does seem happier now after all I've done. But I don't want too be pushed over the edge and go out in anger.

Very soon will come a time where I come out my hiding place. Embrace the thoughts that destroyed my life. Step out into the storm and embrace the darkness, forever.


TLDR: Was living the dream, fucked it up and fucked myself up. Dead (soon).
 
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Macc Lad

Macc Lad

Specialist
Jan 22, 2019
300
I'd always seen it as irrational too want to die over a broken heart, but I understand now.

A few years ago I wanted to die because I thought I'd never find love. I've loved and I've lost now, destroyed by my own hand. And it's torn me apart.

She lit up my life in the darkest of times.

Heading out for another reckless night of binge drinking and a potential one night stand. I went too one of the locals resteraunts/bars, that's where I met her for the first time. She had just recently moved to the area and had just recently started working here. I was in love with her instantly, and I later found out that she was too. She was having a couple drinks after her shift and we hit it off immediately. Funny, intelligent, drop dead gorgeous. She was the one for me, and I was the one for her.

It took me a while too ask her out, but we were basically a couple by then. My cool, calm laid back persona became real-life as I grew into the front that I had always showed to hide my inner pain. She goddamn saved me from myself.

What followed was heaven, I was living the dream. We became best friends and did everything together. She turned too me one night and asked me never too hurt her, never too leave her. I assured her, and meant every fucking word of it.

No matter what we were doing we were always having fun together, and even if we were out with our friends it may aswell just been me and her, we were inseparable.

We went on holidays, weekends away, various trips too various places and regular dinner and movie dates, I was happier than I ever had been, happier than I ever thought I could be. Talks of moving in together eventually became a reality as her parents prepared too move away. It was very sudden and unexpected, I wasn't quite ready for it yet. She stayed here too be with me, and I broke her fucking heart.

I don't know exactly when I started too fall apart, it happened slowly. So many things were overwhelming me and stressing me out. And for what ever reason I kept it all to myself. I slowly began too push her away as I started too become depressed again, she was constantly seeking assurance that I still loved her, and I did. It took me far too long too realise that I wasn't doing enough too show her what she meant too me anymore.

I became lazy and distant, she tried everything for me but I scraped along on the bare minimum. I'd cry on the sofa at night wondering what was wrong with me, while she was crying in bed worrying about me. I still didn't say anything and I don't know why. There was a brief period where I picked myself up and was myself again, but I quickly crashed and burned out again. I started staying at my parents house when I was feeling particularly down, suicidal thoughts started too creep in. And I started too convince myself that I wasn't good enough anymore, that she would be better off without me.

After one particularly night at my parents crying and contemplating death, I walked into our place the next day and broke her heart. I was living my life long dream, and I had turned it into a nightmare. She begged me too stay and I knew I wanted too, but I just couldn't find the inner strength too reach out and tell her how I was feeling about myself. I don't even know exactly why I was putting myself down so much, but I was crumbling.

In the days that followed we still told each other we loved each other. I still went too see her too make sure she was okay. But by the time I fully realised what I was doing it was too late. I went back a begged for forgiveness. She told me she still loved me and wounds easily take me back in, but I had hurt her and she needed space and time too think. She still held a candle too my heart but you can't keep a flame burning in the storm. And whatever was left, a full on mental breakdown was about too burn it all too the ground.

It started slowly, but the more I got knocked back the deeper I fell. I tried so hard, but I was saying all the wrong things at the wrong time. I was in no fit state of mind. I knew I should have been giving her space but I just couldn't stop myself. I was achieving not other than pushing her further away. There were times where I thought I was making progress but that was just hopeless delusion. Christmas came and went, I love Christmas but I was pleased too see it go. It was awful. I spent new years eve crying on my own at midnight.

Then came an idea, we had spent Christmas apart. Why not buy her a shit load of presents and write her a meaningful letter and give her a belated Christmas? That has too work? I never got too find out.

I dropped off the presents at was once our house while she was at work. I was excited, but incredibly nervous. So I went for a drink, and a few more, and a few more. Total blackout drunk. I woke up the next morning with a hangover from hell and a feeling of absolute dread. I knew I had done something. A quick message too her and I found out I had turned up at her work, caused a scene, fucked off for abit. Then turned up at her house in absolute hysterics. I've never been a crazy person, and I was well and truly ashamed with myself. In her eyes I was done, and I couldn't blame her.

It was this point I knew, I would be dead soon. I've tried too pick myself up but I just can't do it. I just can't go on without her, but I can't expect her too save me again, she doesn't know I'm suicidal. She never did.

I've become obsessed with dates. Counting the days weeks and months since the day I walked out, or since certain days we spent together. I had never be a crier, not even as a baby. I can't remember the last time I've went a day without crying. I'm literally on my knees every night praying that she will reach out too me, but I know she won't. And the urge too reach out too her is always there, but I know I can't I've tried too many times. And people just seem too love reminding me how much I've fucked up, I agree, but it fucking hurts like hell.

The heartache cuts deeper everyday. The guilt and the shame is crippling. My mind slips further into the gutter with each passing day. Depression, anxiety, paranoia, regret, heartache, guilt, shame and whatever else. It's agonizing, it's too much and it all brings on one thing. Absolute soul crushing sadness.

I just want the sadness too go away.

I've tried too make peace with myself. And as I've accepted that I want too die, I've began too make peace, a little bit anyway. I'm in a state of disbelief that I actually tried too walk away from the best thing that ever happened too me, the girl of my dreams, the girl who saved me. I'm disgusted at my self, I hate myself.

Everything is ready now, I have my sn and antiemetics. My tagamet has just came earlier than expected. My letters are done and instructions are in place. I can go when I'm ready, which has too be soon. I know a day will come where she finds a new boyfriend, she won't have a problem as I know she has men falling at her feet. I'm not angry at her, she does seem happier now after all I've done. But I don't want too be pushed over the edge and go out in anger.

Very soon will come a time where I come out my hiding place. Embrace the thoughts that destroyed my life. Step out into the storm and embrace the darkness, forever.


TLDR: Was living the dream, fucked it up and fucked myself up. Dead (soon).

all the best to you....hope you find peace
 
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GeorgeJL

GeorgeJL

Enlightened
Mar 7, 2019
1,621
Sounds deep man. I think you could get over this if you wanted. The problem is that you are too identified with your emotions. The more you play into your emotions and the control it has in your life the more trapped you become. I know this because once you actually let go did you actually find some peace in the storm. This is what Buddhists, Hindus, Zen, Taoist, and Jain's teach, just let go when shit hits the fan.
 
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T

time2go

Student
Mar 5, 2019
126
all the best to you....hope you find peace
Thank you
Sounds deep man. I think you could get over this if you wanted. The problem is that you are too identified with your emotions. The more you play into your emotions and the control it has in your life the more trapped you become. I know this because once you actually let go did you actually find some peace in the storm. This is what Buddhists, Hindus, Zen, Taoist, and Jain's teach, just let go when shit hits the fan.
I've tried man, I really have tried but I just keep ending up in the same place but worse off again
 
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M

Marawa

HereButNot
Dec 30, 2018
249
I know the heartache of losing someone so integral to your well being. its like hell. it seems like perhaps she needs some time though, I mean the holidays must have been horribly depressing & confusing to her & being in the dark about your reasons, you destroyed her trust. I would give her some healing time before anything rash. I hope you can see her side & perhaps feel better.
 
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time2go

Student
Mar 5, 2019
126
I know the heartache of losing someone so integral to your well being. its like hell. it seems like perhaps she needs some time though, I mean the holidays must have been horribly depressing & confusing to her & being in the dark about your reasons, you destroyed her trust. I would give her some healing time before anything rash. I hope you can see her side & perhaps feel better.
I get what you been. But I've seen it all. The whole situation is in my mind 24/7. I know what I've done and how I made her feel, there's no going back. I've tried too make peace with myself and I just can't forgive myself. It all flashes before my mind everyday, more intensely each day. I just want it too stop.
 
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GeorgeJL

GeorgeJL

Enlightened
Mar 7, 2019
1,621
The only thing that might help you at this point then would be psychedelics. Psychedelics can heal the emotional energetic body if you work with it. Either way I wish you peace.
 
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J

Janica333

Member
Dec 5, 2018
63
Tell her honestly how you feel and everything. If she loves you then you haven't lost her in your life. If not then she never did and it's easier for you to let go of her. Love doesn't disappear and if she loves you she will forgive anything.
 
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time2go

Student
Mar 5, 2019
126
Tell her honestly how you feel and everything. If she loves you then you haven't lost her in your life. If not then she never did and it's easier for you to let go of her. Love doesn't disappear and if she loves you she will forgive anything.
She still cares about me I know that. And even now whenever where around each other it's clear she still has feelings for me and I'm not the only person who sees it. But I did waaaaay too much shit during a huge month long mental breakdown.
 
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AhG

AhG

La vie est tout sauf un rêve
Jan 24, 2019
313
I know this all too well.
All of it fucking hurts, it hurts worse then any other pain imaginable. We are happy and in love and we feel like nothing can stop us, like it's us against the world, then one day, you make some mistakes, the mistakes you can't take back and you break yourself trying to fix the mistakes but before you realize it, it's too late to fix any of it. And truthfully that's what hurts the most, is knowing you can't fix your mistakes. I feel you brother, and it all gets better, starting whatever you decide makes it better.
I wish you all the peace possible.
 
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time2go

Student
Mar 5, 2019
126
I know this all too well.
All of it fucking hurts, it hurts worse then any other pain imaginable. We are happy and in love and we feel like nothing can stop us, like it's us against the world, then one day, you make some mistakes, the mistakes you can't take back and you break yourself trying to fix the mistakes but before you realize it, it's too late to fix any of it. And truthfully that's what hurts the most, is knowing you can't fix your mistakes. I feel you brother, and it all gets better, starting whatever you decide makes it better.
I wish you all the peace possible.
Yeah man, the hardest part has been knowing how easy the situation was too avoid. If I'd simply just said "I'm sorry I've not been myself lately, I'm not okay". I fucking know she could have and would have helped me better than anyone else could ever do
 
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Memento Mori

Memento Mori

shambling garbage
Jan 24, 2019
573
Sounds deep man. I think you could get over this if you wanted. The problem is that you are too identified with your emotions. The more you play into your emotions and the control it has in your life the more trapped you become. I know this because once you actually let go did you actually find some peace in the storm. This is what Buddhists, Hindus, Zen, Taoist, and Jain's teach, just let go when shit hits the fan.

couldnt say it better.

to me your story sounds not worth to throw life away, and it doesn't look like real love. ppl shouldn't just reply one sentence like "good luck in dying", better try to talk to each other to avoid unneccessary ctb's instead of crying about children who ctb in other threads (i don't mean anyone special just saying. sry. )

so there's already no more way to get back together?
take care of yourself first or you won't be happy with the outcome for her and you anyways. time for a #bosstransformation lol
it doesnt sound like you hurt her very much, why not give it time and come back together. does she still not know about your suicidality?
 
T

time2go

Student
Mar 5, 2019
126
couldnt say it better.

to me your story sounds not worth to throw life away, and it doesn't look like real love. ppl shouldn't just reply one sentence like "good luck in dying", better try to talk to each other to avoid unneccessary ctb's instead of crying about children who ctb in other threads (i don't mean anyone special just saying. sry. )

so there's already no more way to get back together?
take care of yourself first or you won't be happy with the outcome for her and you anyways. time for a #bosstransformation lol
it doesnt sound like you hurt her very much, why not give it time and come back together. does she still not know about your suicidality?
I guess the story doesn't fully portray it all. She saw me fall apart in front of her and she tried so hard for me and then I walked out on her, she was absolutely devastated. And the main reason why I feel so shitty is that she meant absolutely everything too me, and I lost her in the worst way that could have so easily been avoided.
I know it just sounds like boo boo my heart is broke, but there's so much more too it than that
 
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AhG

AhG

La vie est tout sauf un rêve
Jan 24, 2019
313
I know it just sounds like boo boo my heart is broke, but there's so much more too it than that
Don't justify your reason for others to see fit. Everybody has a reason to be here, but everybody else's reasons aren't the same for being here either.
 
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time2go

Student
Mar 5, 2019
126
Don't justify your reason for others to see fit. Everybody has a reason to be here, but everybody else's reasons aren't the same for being here either.
Thank you, I don't want too feel this way but I do. I can't help it.
 
Ashpac

Ashpac

Lost and always will be.
Jul 22, 2018
795
I'd always seen it as irrational too want to die over a broken heart, but I understand now.

A few years ago I wanted to die because I thought I'd never find love. I've loved and I've lost now, destroyed by my own hand. And it's torn me apart.

She lit up my life in the darkest of times.

Heading out for another reckless night of binge drinking and a potential one night stand. I went too one of the locals resteraunts/bars, that's where I met her for the first time. She had just recently moved to the area and had just recently started working here. I was in love with her instantly, and I later found out that she was too. She was having a couple drinks after her shift and we hit it off immediately. Funny, intelligent, drop dead gorgeous. She was the one for me, and I was the one for her.

It took me a while too ask her out, but we were basically a couple by then. My cool, calm laid back persona became real-life as I grew into the front that I had always showed to hide my inner pain. She goddamn saved me from myself.

What followed was heaven, I was living the dream. We became best friends and did everything together. She turned too me one night and asked me never too hurt her, never too leave her. I assured her, and meant every fucking word of it.

No matter what we were doing we were always having fun together, and even if we were out with our friends it may aswell just been me and her, we were inseparable.

We went on holidays, weekends away, various trips too various places and regular dinner and movie dates, I was happier than I ever had been, happier than I ever thought I could be. Talks of moving in together eventually became a reality as her parents prepared too move away. It was very sudden and unexpected, I wasn't quite ready for it yet. She stayed here too be with me, and I broke her fucking heart.

I don't know exactly when I started too fall apart, it happened slowly. So many things were overwhelming me and stressing me out. And for what ever reason I kept it all to myself. I slowly began too push her away as I started too become depressed again, she was constantly seeking assurance that I still loved her, and I did. It took me far too long too realise that I wasn't doing enough too show her what she meant too me anymore.

I became lazy and distant, she tried everything for me but I scraped along on the bare minimum. I'd cry on the sofa at night wondering what was wrong with me, while she was crying in bed worrying about me. I still didn't say anything and I don't know why. There was a brief period where I picked myself up and was myself again, but I quickly crashed and burned out again. I started staying at my parents house when I was feeling particularly down, suicidal thoughts started too creep in. And I started too convince myself that I wasn't good enough anymore, that she would be better off without me.

After one particularly night at my parents crying and contemplating death, I walked into our place the next day and broke her heart. I was living my life long dream, and I had turned it into a nightmare. She begged me too stay and I knew I wanted too, but I just couldn't find the inner strength too reach out and tell her how I was feeling about myself. I don't even know exactly why I was putting myself down so much, but I was crumbling.

In the days that followed we still told each other we loved each other. I still went too see her too make sure she was okay. But by the time I fully realised what I was doing it was too late. I went back a begged for forgiveness. She told me she still loved me and wounds easily take me back in, but I had hurt her and she needed space and time too think. She still held a candle too my heart but you can't keep a flame burning in the storm. And whatever was left, a full on mental breakdown was about too burn it all too the ground.

It started slowly, but the more I got knocked back the deeper I fell. I tried so hard, but I was saying all the wrong things at the wrong time. I was in no fit state of mind. I knew I should have been giving her space but I just couldn't stop myself. I was achieving not other than pushing her further away. There were times where I thought I was making progress but that was just hopeless delusion. Christmas came and went, I love Christmas but I was pleased too see it go. It was awful. I spent new years eve crying on my own at midnight.

Then came an idea, we had spent Christmas apart. Why not buy her a shit load of presents and write her a meaningful letter and give her a belated Christmas? That has too work? I never got too find out.

I dropped off the presents at was once our house while she was at work. I was excited, but incredibly nervous. So I went for a drink, and a few more, and a few more. Total blackout drunk. I woke up the next morning with a hangover from hell and a feeling of absolute dread. I knew I had done something. A quick message too her and I found out I had turned up at her work, caused a scene, fucked off for abit. Then turned up at her house in absolute hysterics. I've never been a crazy person, and I was well and truly ashamed with myself. In her eyes I was done, and I couldn't blame her.

It was this point I knew, I would be dead soon. I've tried too pick myself up but I just can't do it. I just can't go on without her, but I can't expect her too save me again, she doesn't know I'm suicidal. She never did.

I've become obsessed with dates. Counting the days weeks and months since the day I walked out, or since certain days we spent together. I had never be a crier, not even as a baby. I can't remember the last time I've went a day without crying. I'm literally on my knees every night praying that she will reach out too me, but I know she won't. And the urge too reach out too her is always there, but I know I can't I've tried too many times. And people just seem too love reminding me how much I've fucked up, I agree, but it fucking hurts like hell.

The heartache cuts deeper everyday. The guilt and the shame is crippling. My mind slips further into the gutter with each passing day. Depression, anxiety, paranoia, regret, heartache, guilt, shame and whatever else. It's agonizing, it's too much and it all brings on one thing. Absolute soul crushing sadness.

I just want the sadness too go away.

I've tried too make peace with myself. And as I've accepted that I want too die, I've began too make peace, a little bit anyway. I'm in a state of disbelief that I actually tried too walk away from the best thing that ever happened too me, the girl of my dreams, the girl who saved me. I'm disgusted at my self, I hate myself.

Everything is ready now, I have my sn and antiemetics. My tagamet has just came earlier than expected. My letters are done and instructions are in place. I can go when I'm ready, which has too be soon. I know a day will come where she finds a new boyfriend, she won't have a problem as I know she has men falling at her feet. I'm not angry at her, she does seem happier now after all I've done. But I don't want too be pushed over the edge and go out in anger.

Very soon will come a time where I come out my hiding place. Embrace the thoughts that destroyed my life. Step out into the storm and embrace the darkness, forever.


TLDR: Was living the dream, fucked it up and fucked myself up. Dead (soon).

I know how you feel. I was inlove with my first love the way you describe. The first year was great, we were perfect.
Then into the 2nd year, things went down hill fast. drink and drugs played a part in it for me, we just grew apart. argued all the time.
We had one last argument and that was it, she decided it was over for good. it hit me as time went on that i lost her.
but fuck me, the pain got worse as time went by. i even had a breakdown in my friends toilet steaming drunk.
took me about 7 month to get over her. after what ive been through since we broke up, with medical problems, i would gladly take that pain anyday of the week.
not saying what youre going through isnt hard. but i wish breakups were my main problem now.
i lived with guilt and shame and it eats you up. sometimes you have to forgive yourself. its hard. you made mistakes just like i did.
but eventually it becomes apart of your past, and you learn from it. if you do end it youll never know what sort of person you could of became or what woman you would settle down with and possible have kids with.
i aint stopping you, im pro choice, if you want to die go for it.
you's just werent meant to be, just like me and my first love, it was just an experience.
something to learn from.
take care buddy.
 
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time2go

Student
Mar 5, 2019
126
I know how you feel. I was inlove with my first love the way you describe. The first year was great, we were perfect.
Then into the 2nd year, things went down hill fast. drink and drugs played a part in it for me, we just grew apart. argued all the time.
We had one last argument and that was it, she decided it was over for good. it hit me as time went on that i lost her.
but fuck me, the pain got worse as time went by. i even had a breakdown in my friends toilet steaming drunk.
took me about 7 month to get over her. after what ive been through since we broke up, with medical problems, i would gladly take that pain anyday of the week.
not saying what youre going through isnt hard. but i wish breakups were my main problem now.
i lived with guilt and shame and it eats you up. sometimes you have to forgive yourself. its hard. you made mistakes just like i did.
but eventually it becomes apart of your past, and you learn from it. if you do end it youll never know what sort of person you could of became or what woman you would settle down with and possible have kids with.
i aint stopping you, im pro choice, if you want to die go for it.
you's just werent meant to be, just like me and my first love, it was just an experience.
something to learn from.
take care buddy.
We had our arguments and what not but we always pulled through. We were so good together and we knew it, people begged me not too leave her saying we were perfect. It was the way ended, just walking out because I couldn't open up. I'd struggle too forgive someone of they walked out on me like that.

Lightning doesn't strike twice, I could never find someone like her. I know I sound stupid and irrational, I guess you just have too 100% understand the situation
 
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Feline

Feline

I am Purity, they call me Perverted.
Jan 24, 2019
61
My heart goes out to you. May you have a peaceful passing. <3

We had our arguments and what not but we always pulled through. We were so good together and we knew it, people begged me not too leave her saying we were perfect. It was the way ended, just walking out because I couldn't open up. I'd struggle too forgive someone of they walked out on me like that.

Lightning doesn't strike twice, I could never find someone like her. I know I sound stupid and irrational, I guess you just have too 100% understand the situation
 
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Fallen bad23

Fallen bad23

Student
Oct 19, 2018
105
I might seem to be like a pro life person now but please bare with me. You found your soul mate right? Why let her go?!!!
Of course you made mistakes that hurt your relationship but it is okay. Everybody freaks out when depression steps in, we just act crazy and stupid enough to hurt those we love the most and ourselves as well. You say that she loves you, have you ,objectively, thought about her reaction to your suicide? Your situation is heartbreaking but I can only ask you to give her some time and space while you try to be calmer, maybe seek help. When you feel a little comfortable tell her everything. She deserved your love, surely you deserve hers too.
 
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AhG

AhG

La vie est tout sauf un rêve
Jan 24, 2019
313
I might seem to be like a pro life person now but please bare with me. You found your soul mate right? Why let her go?!!!
Of course you made mistakes that hurt your relationship but it is okay. Everybody freaks out when depression steps in, we just act crazy and stupid enough to hurt those we love the most and ourselves as well. You say that she loves you, have you ,objectively, thought about her reaction to your suicide? Your situation is heartbreaking but I can only ask you to give her some time and space while you try to be calmer, maybe seek help. When you feel a little comfortable tell her everything. She deserved your love, surely you deserve hers too.
You can only kick a dog so many times before it bites back.
 
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TAW122

TAW122

Emissary of the right to die.
Aug 30, 2018
6,798
Wow, that was really painful and I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Heartbreak is really damning and very painful (even if it isn't physical pain). Fuck society and people who dismiss the fact that heartbreak isn't a reason to ctb, fuck those people. I've been heartbroken when I was younger, mainly during my teenage years before I've just given up on dating prospects and also social life to some extent. When you do come to ctb, I hope you are able to find the courage to find eternal peace.
 
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Jc40

Jc40

Specialist
Mar 3, 2019
354
I'm sorry you're going. Wish I could help you somehow. I don't get into relationships so can't offer you anything. You're in my thoughts. Take care and I wish you a peaceful end when time comes. We will support you whatever.
 
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Jodes

Jodes

Enlightened
Nov 23, 2018
1,261
I've nearly lost my mind completely but anything is possible. Hyperplasticity is a new field in neuroscience and is already changing people's lives.
 
Memento Mori

Memento Mori

shambling garbage
Jan 24, 2019
573
I know how you feel. I was inlove with my first love the way you describe. The first year was great, we were perfect.
Then into the 2nd year, things went down hill fast. drink and drugs played a part in it for me, we just grew apart. argued all the time.
We had one last argument and that was it, she decided it was over for good. it hit me as time went on that i lost her.
but fuck me, the pain got worse as time went by. i even had a breakdown in my friends toilet steaming drunk.
took me about 7 month to get over her. after what ive been through since we broke up, with medical problems, i would gladly take that pain anyday of the week.
not saying what youre going through isnt hard. but i wish breakups were my main problem now.
i lived with guilt and shame and it eats you up. sometimes you have to forgive yourself. its hard. you made mistakes just like i did.
but eventually it becomes apart of your past, and you learn from it. if you do end it youll never know what sort of person you could of became or what woman you would settle down with and possible have kids with.
i aint stopping you, im pro choice, if you want to die go for it.
you's just werent meant to be, just like me and my first love, it was just an experience.
something to learn from.
take care buddy.

very well said. and one can never know if future lets people grow together again, no matter what happened, if you don't want anybody else you can at least hope for that...or maybe just friendship would heal you and make you able to move on, idk. i'm still at the beginning of this shit, so i can't say, but if you ever get motivated (really motivated not borderline-style rollercoaster motivation for some hours lol) you should try out to give it a chance, if it fails you can at least say that you pushed trough, but don't let yourself tell from anyone else than You when it has to be over. life will never be "easy" but it can become way more enjoyable again and then it's easier automatically too



Wow, that was really painful and I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Heartbreak is really damning and very painful (even if it isn't physical pain). Fuck society and people who dismiss the fact that heartbreak isn't a reason to ctb, fuck those people. I've been heartbroken when I was younger, mainly during my teenage years before I've just given up on dating prospects and also social life to some extent. When you do come to ctb, I hope you are able to find the courage to find eternal peace.

heartbreak is the same as depression, it can shorten the life span...depends on your attitude and your own life experiences how much it hurts you and it's hard to say if someone is "allowed" to ctb with 15 or 25 or 50...i'm 23 and i already feel like an old man lol. people should get a real chance to at least try to get out of this, no matter if that means another relationship or being alone forever. since we can't look into future we can't calculate if it's worth to survive until day x, i really wished to know this because i'm afraid of the feeling that could await me, like "i fucking knew it i spent so much time here" ... if you're doing good things you may think "at least i helped some ppl" instead, maybe it's worth a try. everything comes back :)
 
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T

time2go

Student
Mar 5, 2019
126
I read about this dudes in problem pages who are married with kids but are miserable because they're still in love with an ex from 30 years ago. I can't see into the future but I know that will be me. This girl was special, we connected on a level I had never felt. And I walked out on her because of a few bad thoughts. I've tried too pick myself up but I just can't seem too. I try too move on but my mind always circles back too her and it physically hurts as well as emotionally, it's long since tore me apart.
 
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Feline

Feline

I am Purity, they call me Perverted.
Jan 24, 2019
61
I know this is a longshot, but have you told her how mentally ill you were? Can you tell her that you will get help and come back to her?

I read about this dudes in problem pages who are married with kids but are miserable because they're still in love with an ex from 30 years ago. I can't see into the future but I know that will be me. This girl was special, we connected on a level I had never felt. And I walked out on her because of a few bad thoughts. I've tried too pick myself up but I just can't seem too. I try too move on but my mind always circles back too her and it physically hurts as well as emotionally, it's long since tore me apart.
 
T

time2go

Student
Mar 5, 2019
126
I know this is a longshot, but have you told her how mentally ill you were? Can you tell her that you will get help and come back to her?
I have yeah, the damage is done she wants too move on
 
Moms_Spaghetti

Moms_Spaghetti

Member
Dec 25, 2018
86
She still cares about me I know that. And even now whenever where around each other it's clear she still has feelings for me and I'm not the only person who sees it. But I did waaaaay too much shit during a huge month long mental breakdown.
you didnt bro! If she has feelings for you still that means there's a chance to win her back. I'm not one to do the whole buck up thing but bro you can get your girl back you just need to sack up and find your worth. She sees it in you but you don't because you're too focused on all your failings. We all fail at points in our lives but this isn't a good one to kill yourself over and you haven't even lost her for good yet. You're pushing her away right now by saying you fucked it up irreparably, don't you see that? Hit the gym start eating better go for a morning run if you really want her back you need to slap yourself into shape. Stop sulking in misery over thinking you ruined it for good because you haven't yet but if you kill yourself you'll never know if you could gotten her back and had a happy life with her. If you can't force yourself out of this rut go get some professional help if she really means this much to you then fight for her bro, don't give up. You haven't changed as much as you think you have you're probably just going through a low point. It's still your choice to do as you wish but I think your jumping to conclusions about how bad you ruined everything. You are causing your own misery right now with regards to you and her.
Sorry for the tough love shtick too, I just would hate to know you killed yourself over something that seems to be repairable. There's still hope bro I believe it. Most importantly tell her how you really feel!
 
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N

neveranyhope

Member
Mar 27, 2019
56
Sounds deep man. I think you could get over this if you wanted. The problem is that you are too identified with your emotions. The more you play into your emotions and the control it has in your life the more trapped you become. I know this because once you actually let go did you actually find some peace in the storm. This is what Buddhists, Hindus, Zen, Taoist, and Jain's teach, just let go when shit hits the fan.
You're dead right about emotions... wish I could lean in more to Buddhism/Zen :( I used to have such a strong handle on it, or so I thought.
 
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