I have a lot of religious trauma, so I sometimes find myself rationalising everything from the perspective of God (everything happens for a reason, God isn't evil people are, I'm fighting this battle for God, blah blah) I try to justify everything through religion, because everything has to have a meaning. But sometimes when I'm lucid I kinda realise that its all bullshit. Why would God make people inherently sinful and then punish us for being sinful? Why can't God just extinguish all the evil? Why do I have to suffer and evil people get off scott free?
Another part of me wants to believe that there is a Creator, that maybe I deserve to be punished, and that maybe if I can make it through this, I'll get rewarded in the end (heaven? reincarnated as someone rich and happy?) or hatever shape the afterlife might take...
I had religion beaten into me as a kid (literally) so sometimes it's hard to... not believe (Was all of that for nothing?). But then the contradictions pop up and it's too much. Being spiritual is my attempt to believe that this will all lead to something. Basically I am delusional LOL.
Sorry for the crazy rant