N33dT0D13
Xe/It
- Apr 2, 2023
- 365
My friends are starting to hate and get burnt out on and frustrated with and worried over me, I'm at an all time low as far as mood and self perception, I feel constant heartache and loneliness and I feel like I deserve it for being impossible to deal with...
I don't want to die, that would fucking suck, I want success in my creative endeavors and mutually fulfilling friendships, I wanna date again, I don't wanna be fucking poison, I don't wanna melt down on my friends cuz BlUh YoU dOn'T cArE aBoUt Me and make them more wary of me, I wanna be fucking decent, more than decent, I wanna be GOOD, I wanna be PERFECT and yes that's absolutely unattainable but I just wanna know I fucking matter, I wanna know the people I love love me back and that I have a place in their life that isn't shakeable, I wanna know I'm not replaceable or a filler friend like I always feel like lately, I wanna be better but fuck it hurts so fucking much it hurts it hurts IT HURTS
I'm gonna take a gamble... I'll stay in therapy and on meds and hopefully, HOPEFULLY SOMETHING FUCKING CHANGES ALREADY and I'll also go on more hikes up in the hills after midnight and hang out in the fuckier parts of town at night and smoke more cigs and we'll just wait and see lmao
I do wanna get better... for my friends and myself, I didn't wanna get better for myself, just my friends but actually being in emotional pain damn near all the time fucking sucks and I at least theoretically deserve better, I'm not like evil or anything, just impulsive and kind of stupid, I try not to be too mean, my friends loved me before I started spiralling and they say they still do, they don't and part of me scorns them for it... but they're also still around despite all I've put them through so fuck it they're on this rollercoaster with me I guess
But for serious I... desperately fucking need to get better... well, get better or die, I can work with either lmao but getting better would be a hell of a lot better, I wanna be published dammit, not just for a community college project either like PROPER published (shout out to my community college, lovely people, fun classes)... I WANT MY STUPID BITCH ASS FRIENDS TO STOP BEING WARY OF ME AND WALKING ON EGGSHELLS AROUND ME DAMMIT
I don't know how I spiraled this bad, I was doing so good, everything was so good... I can get back to that, there's no reason I can't, I got there before... and if not, dying is always an option
Pray for my crazy ass y'all I need... so, so so much help, an unfathomable amount of help and hope is dwindling...
If he forgets my birthday again I will kill myself specifically to haunt him for the rest of his fucking life
I don't want to die, that would fucking suck, I want success in my creative endeavors and mutually fulfilling friendships, I wanna date again, I don't wanna be fucking poison, I don't wanna melt down on my friends cuz BlUh YoU dOn'T cArE aBoUt Me and make them more wary of me, I wanna be fucking decent, more than decent, I wanna be GOOD, I wanna be PERFECT and yes that's absolutely unattainable but I just wanna know I fucking matter, I wanna know the people I love love me back and that I have a place in their life that isn't shakeable, I wanna know I'm not replaceable or a filler friend like I always feel like lately, I wanna be better but fuck it hurts so fucking much it hurts it hurts IT HURTS
I'm gonna take a gamble... I'll stay in therapy and on meds and hopefully, HOPEFULLY SOMETHING FUCKING CHANGES ALREADY and I'll also go on more hikes up in the hills after midnight and hang out in the fuckier parts of town at night and smoke more cigs and we'll just wait and see lmao
I do wanna get better... for my friends and myself, I didn't wanna get better for myself, just my friends but actually being in emotional pain damn near all the time fucking sucks and I at least theoretically deserve better, I'm not like evil or anything, just impulsive and kind of stupid, I try not to be too mean, my friends loved me before I started spiralling and they say they still do, they don't and part of me scorns them for it... but they're also still around despite all I've put them through so fuck it they're on this rollercoaster with me I guess
But for serious I... desperately fucking need to get better... well, get better or die, I can work with either lmao but getting better would be a hell of a lot better, I wanna be published dammit, not just for a community college project either like PROPER published (shout out to my community college, lovely people, fun classes)... I WANT MY STUPID BITCH ASS FRIENDS TO STOP BEING WARY OF ME AND WALKING ON EGGSHELLS AROUND ME DAMMIT
I don't know how I spiraled this bad, I was doing so good, everything was so good... I can get back to that, there's no reason I can't, I got there before... and if not, dying is always an option
Pray for my crazy ass y'all I need... so, so so much help, an unfathomable amount of help and hope is dwindling...
If he forgets my birthday again I will kill myself specifically to haunt him for the rest of his fucking life
