Venting Why the F did I go on Facebook?

[EndofMyRope]

Why the fuck did I go on FB tonight of all nights?? Easy--because I'm a glutton for punishment. Because sometimes I need to push myself just a little bit closer to the edge. All those happy holiday family posts made me want to gouge my fucking eyeballs out with a spoon. So I went to one of my favorite pages, Depression Quotes, and proceeded to swipe and read until I was good and hysterical balling my eyes out. Which is what I'm still doing as I'm typing here... Found some good pictures I thought I'd share with you guys though. These were ones I could relate to but DEFINITELY couldn't share on my FB page. As it is, I've shared too many and may get a concerned "saw your shares... are you ok?" post. Part of me feels pathetic even sharing those pages, but sometimes I just feel like putting it in people's faces. Yeah, I'm definitely in a mood tonight. Probably overtired (got shit sleep yesterday), emotionally strung out and on the verge of a complete and total breakdown. I just have to make it through tomorrow and then I'm supposed to go to CT and visit my ex-husband for a couple days. I'm really looking forward to the reprieve from the hell-beast that has taken up residence on my couch. It's going to be a pivotal week... either I'm going to really make a MAJOR effort to try to get help AGAIN or I might end up trying partial again. Hell, if I'm lucky enough to have a complete and total meltdown, maybe I'll actually be able successfully slit my throat this time. Side question--has anybody ever tried to slit their own throat? I have to say, I was really surprised how easily the knife went in and I don't remember any pain. Adrenaline and a probable psychotic break can do wonders it seems.

 

[TheCrow]

Why the fuck did I go on FB tonight of all nights?? Easy--because I'm a glutton for punishment. Because sometimes I need to push myself just a little bit closer to the edge. All those happy holiday family posts made me want to gouge my fucking eyeballs out with a spoon. So I went to one of my favorite pages, Depression Quotes, and proceeded to swipe and read until I was good and hysterical balling my eyes out. Which is what I'm still doing as I'm typing here... Found some good pictures I thought I'd share with you guys though. These were ones I could relate to but DEFINITELY couldn't share on my FB page. As it is, I've shared too many and may get a concerned "saw your shares... are you ok?" post. Part of me feels pathetic even sharing those pages, but sometimes I just feel like putting it in people's faces. Yeah, I'm definitely in a mood tonight. Probably overtired (got shit sleep yesterday), emotionally strung out and on the verge of a complete and total breakdown. I just have to make it through tomorrow and then I'm supposed to go to CT and visit my ex-husband for a couple days. I'm really looking forward to the reprieve from the hell-beast that has taken up residence on my couch. It's going to be a pivotal week... either I'm going to really make a MAJOR effort to try to get help AGAIN or I might end up trying partial again. Hell, if I'm lucky enough to have a complete and total meltdown, maybe I'll actually be able successfully slit my throat this time. Side question--has anybody ever tried to slit their own throat? I have to say, I was really surprised how easily the knife went in and I don't remember any pain. Adrenaline and a probable psychotic break can do wonders it seems.

Oh, wow. Yes, those pictures are very relatable. Whoa, you slit your throat?! Holy shit! That's gangsta af. What happened exactly, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[EndofMyRope]

Oh, wow. Yes, those pictures are very relatable. Whoa, you slit your throat?! Holy shit! That's gangsta af. What happened exactly, if you don't mind me asking?

I was losing my shit, grabbed a knife from the block in the kitchen, felt for my pulse to find the artery and pushed. I remember feeling a "pop" where the tip went in but I didn't cut anywhere near deep enough before someone came in, saw me and grabbed the knife. Still, it bled on and off for a couple days and scarred. I've been a cutter since I was 11, so knives don't really scare me. Unfortunately, I have the scars up and down my left forearm from wrist to elbow to show for it.

 

[TheCrow]

I was losing my shit, grabbed a knife from the block in the kitchen, felt for my pulse to find the artery and pushed. I remember feeling a "pop" where the tip went in but I didn't cut anywhere near deep enough before someone came in, saw me and grabbed the knife. Still, it bled on and off for a couple days and scarred. I've been a cutter since I was 11, so knives don't really scare me. Unfortunately, I have the scars up and down my left forearm from wrist to elbow to show for it.

Omg! I envy your bravery. I can't believe you were able to do that. I too was a cutter. I also have scars on my left wrist, and my left ankle as well. I miss it. But now I'm too old to have those kinds of wounds on my body (in my opinion). I feel like everything I do now lands me in the psych ward. I'm sorry the holidays have been upsetting for you. Stay strong, you're in the home stretch now. Why are you visiting your ex-husband, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[EndofMyRope]

Omg! I envy your bravery. I can't believe you were able to do that. I too was a cutter. I also have scars on my left wrist, and my left ankle as well. I miss it. But now I'm too old to have those kinds of wounds on my body (in my opinion). I feel like everything I do now lands me in the psych ward. I'm sorry the holidays have been upsetting for you. Stay strong, you're in the home stretch now. Why are you visiting your ex-husband, if you don't mind me asking?

I completely understand what you mean about being "too old". At 40, I feel like I've aged-out of that coping mechanism. I've done it probably twice in the past 6 months and immediately felt like an asshole because of the obvious wounds after. Not to mention, they are an easy ticket to the psych ward. Don't get me wrong, if I don't ctb first, I'm going to try to check myself back into the first psych hospital I went to for ECT treatments. I was supposed to get them the first time around, but because I was on a seizure med, everything got jacked up. Still, the three weeks I spent there helped.

My ex-husband and I are very close, I still love him very much and he's my best friend in the whole world. He's a recovering addict and alcoholic however and at the time, I couldn't just stand by and watch him kill himself. He also gets very abusive when he's using and I had to get away. He's sober again....

 

[AveryConure]

There used to be a user here who died by breaking a bottle and slashing his throat with it so it's not a nice way to go but definitely possible.

 

[TheCrow]

I completely understand what you mean about being "too old". At 40, I feel like I've aged-out of that coping mechanism. I've done it probably twice in the past 6 months and immediately felt like an asshole because of the obvious wounds after. Not to mention, they are an easy ticket to the psych ward. Don't get me wrong, if I don't ctb first, I'm going to try to check myself back into the first psych hospital I went to for ECT treatments. I was supposed to get them the first time around, but because I was on a seizure med, everything got jacked up. Still, the three weeks I spent there helped.

My ex-husband and I are very close, I still love him very much and he's my best friend in the whole world. He's a recovering addict and alcoholic however and at the time, I couldn't just stand by and watch him kill himself. He also gets very abusive when he's using and I had to get away. He's sober again....

Wow, yeah. My best friend was an addict. She passed away this summer. I never knew what to do. Ultimately, I think I enabled her; she just got SO angry if I tried to challenge her. I'm sorry that your ex's addiction affected your marriage. I know how hard that must've been. Good for you for getting away when he was getting abusive. It's nice that you are able to have a good relationship now that he's clean.

 

[EndofMyRope]

There used to be a user here who died by breaking a bottle and slashing his throat with it so it's not a nice way to go but definitely possible.

I've deteriorated to the point where "nice" isn't really a necessity. It's definitely not my first choice though. Lol

 

[Empty Smile]

I go to FB just for that reason. While all these happy fucks are posting happy pictures, or happy quotes, it just makes me more determined to accomplish ctb.

Fuck em... Fuck em all.

 

[TheCrow]

I go to FB just for that reason. While all these happy fucks are posting happy pictures, or happy quotes, it just makes me more determined to accomplish ctb.

Fuck em... Fuck em all.

YEP. Instagram as well. I recently created a fake account for both, and now I don't have to interact/see my "friends." I just follow the news or look at stuff like baking. Makes me less angry.

 

[Pegasus]

Facebook is cancer. I avoid those social media sites.

 

[Bread]

Facebook is cancer. I avoid those social media sites.

Exactly. Some people seem to get genuine enjoyment out of social media but all it does for me is remind me of everything I've missed out on and how inferior I am.

 

[Buddyluv19]

I had my Facebook account deleted when the 'Facebook User Info Breach' occurred last March. In truth, I really didn't care about the data breach - they didn't have anything useful on me. I really deleted my account because I didn't want to see all the 'happy' posts from people I know who's lives are GREAT while mine is sinking into sickness and death.

I really never posted much on FB anyway. I was embarrassed to brag in front of people that might be less fortunate. I am really glad I deleted my account.

 

[Midnight]

Exactly. Some people seem to get genuine enjoyment out of social media but all it does for me is remind me of everything I've missed out on and how inferior I am.

Same here. Deleted all that crap years ago.

 

[Smilla]

I never joined FB, and resent deeply the folks who use it to the exclusion of other forms of communication.

 

[Lunaemoth]

I don't really like FB, but I use it to communicate with family out of the country, since it's pretty much their main/only form of communication. I also look at pages like Depression Quotes, though I can't actually share any of that, since I'd wake up in involuntary psych the very next day, I can almost guarantee it. Pretty much my only FB 'friends' are family and coworkers... and I don't have IG or snapchat or twitter... I've never been into social media.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

I deleted my FaecesBook account. Can't stand all the posers there.

 

[Buddyluv19]

I never joined FB, and resent deeply the folks who use it to the exclusion of other forms of communication.

Yes. I feel the same way. In many circles it's as if You're a total outcast if you're not on Facebook!

Don't get me wrong, I know it is a great way for many to communicate that wouldn't otherwise be able to communicate. It's just that when it becomes 'the only way' that it becomes dangerous - in my view.

Now, why do I say 'dangerous'? I can't think of a better word. Maybe the word is 'problematic'. It's problematic for me because I feel more 'alienated'. That doesn't mean it's 'dangerous' - it just means that it is a problem for me because I don't have 'the life' that most of my friends have who are on Facebook. You know, the post with their kids graduating or getting married; the latest vacation they took, their new house or car,etc. So, now you get the picture of the life I used to live.

But don't be quick to judge me as a priviledged snob. Really, I wasn't. Life felt me a really nice hand of cards, all things considered. I was hard working, fun, generous, dynamic, intelligent, and above all, compassionate.

What is left now? I have to report that after all that has been lost of me, I am still 'compassionate'. Do they have a 'compassion' forum on Facebook? If so, maybe I can join under another name. If not, I'll have to generate compassion for myself.

In any case, I send all of those who are struggling with illness, depression, poverty, grief, disillusionment, despair - no matter what the cause - the hope that you're suffering may end.

 

[Thoughtforms]

People only post the happy stuff. I bet more people had arguments and fights than were consistently happy today.

It is really hard I know but we have to try and remember this.

 

[gnrluver0105]

Social media it's the culprit of the downfall of our modern civilization, and also of the death of various forums, I hate Facebook

 

[stellabelle]

I feel you, OP. I deleted my social media account because of the holiday. It's very depressing. I find social media to be incredibly fake and ultimately toxic.
Although like you, I did come across an image that reasoned with me and this seems like a relevant place to share it.

 

[TAW122]

I don't go on Facebook much, mainly because of all the overly optimistic posts on there and also reminders of my failed social life (as well as life in general). The times I do, well I just join one of the my own interest groups (like certain video games, or anime, or fandom shit).