Discussion Why Suicide over Civil Commitment?

[Tefnu]

When I was in fifth grade, I wrote 'I want to kill myself' on the board at school. Before the end of elementary school, I had been a normal child in a 'normal' family, but it seemed that once I had hit puberty something in my head went a different direction than my peers. I recognize now that this was sort of the 'start' of some sort of 'mental illness' and for almost a decade following I went through my own special kind of Hell. I still struggle to justify how I felt then, because for all intensive purposes I felt I should have been 'fine' y'know? Like my mom used to hit me, I was bullied by my teachers and other students, I was groomed, I SHed, etc. but that wasn't what GOT me. It was something else, like a deep sense of meaninglessness that was with me almost constantly. Made it hard to get up in the morning, made me not wanna be around anyone, everything was just exhausting and I thought constantly about CTBing. Simultaneously I also fucking hated myself. I had no self-preservation, i'd walk across the street without looking and if I got hit by a car then that was how it was. I think that's a feeling most people on this forum can relate to? I don't know. Truly, I can't speak to anyone else's experience but my own. I remember thinking 'I'm not going to make it to 20.' Because it was too much. But I'm speaking in past-tense here, so what am I getting at? Ill get there lollololol

I'm a 20 year old sophomore in college now, and sometimes I get a little 'sentimental' and think back to how painful everything was. Like sometimes the feeling was so oppressive that I couldn't move, I couldn't cry, and I was like 'shit, I don't like hearing about other people's problems. Why the fuck would they want to hear about mine? Nothings even wrong, it's just all terrible. Even if they DID know, they couldn't do anything about it.' It's an endless dark tunnel that only leads underground and doesn't have an other side. They sent me to therapy for like 5 years and I would repeatedly come to the realization that 'hey, so i'm going to therapy and doing what my therapist says, but this shit ain't working and I can't do it anymore.' And then I started going to some half-inpatient shit where I had to leave school an hour early to go to a group that met for three hours every day of the week. They put me on meds, swabbed my cheek to match my DNA with a 'most likely to work' drug combo and it took away my appetite, took my emotions, and as an artist I was like 'shit this is worse because I don't create art anymore and I can't feel shit.' and I didn't want to have to choose between nothing and too much emotion. (You know that song 'Pain' By Three Days Grace where it's like 'I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all'? lol) so I went off those meds and plummeted again. They upped the dose for me because I said they weren't working (I wasn't taking them so no wonder lmao) and then when I was in a real dark spot I was like 'ok fuck let's try this again' and I took them consistently for a month because I was desperate to believe that life didn't have to be shit, and I could be as happy as the people around me. THEY had some reason to live, and I had to believe that I wasn't the only one of them who'd come to the terms that life was without any great cosmic meaning. Same shit as before, but once that month was over and my body had gotten used to the meds and I took them consistently, I realized like one day that hey, I'm not constantly thinking about death. And when I was, I used the advice my therapist gave me (gaslight yourself into thinking life doesn't suck) and on those meds it worked after like, half a year.

I found the other side of the tunnel, and I had to dig it out myself. I was fucked up in the head, and I still am. I can't exist 'naturally' but that's fine, because I CAN exist. There are some days I wake up and go outside, and I can't stop smiling because GOD sometimes life can be good, and it can be beautiful, and I can appreciate that even more than most now, I feel. I'm such a cheesy little shit now. People are still assholes, there's a lot of reason to feel hopeless, but goddamn it feels amazing NOT to be hopeless.

I don't want to come off as like just another 'it'll get better, just let it pass' person because that was not what happened with me. It didn't magically all fall into place. I had to get drugged, and I had to go through shitty ass hospitalization and therapy and it was uncomfortable and felt ineffective and honestly it was some of the worst times of my life (but im also like 20 so there's still plenty of time to fuck me over, world.) I realize now that because I'm 'healthy' and on a normal functioning level, I've forgotten most of what it felt like to be unhealthy. But when I was in that tunnel, and I was thinking about cutting my life short to escape it, I was like 'give yourself five years of hard effort, and if that fails you can throw in the towel.' If I was going to end everything eventually, may as well GET hospitalized against my will. Worst case scenario, I just pretend to be better and they let me go. (It's not that simple, but if you want out of inpatient all you have to do is pretend to get better, make a 'mistake' or 'relapse', let them correct you, get better again, and they'll let you go.) May as well tell my therapist everything, even if she thought I was fucking crazy. May as well tell my family, and the people around me, because fuck it if I was gonna end it all who gave a fuck what they thought about me. And I'm better off for it.

That's just me. I don't get why people who haven't exhausted all of their options would jump to CTB right away. I mean, I can't speak to any of your situations, again, only to mine. But like, if you're still holding on, still maybe looking back over the fence like 'ah but like what if it didn't have to be this way' then try to dig out of that tunnel just a littttle more. That's just my retrospective, sentimental thought.

 

[borderline-feline]

For many people, it's not a matter of whether or not there are solutions available; we just don't want to get better. I want to stop feeling pain altogether, and the only way of doing that is to die.

For me, getting better isn't an option, because I'm never gonna be at a point where I'm not feeling a lot of pain. I have a particularly shitty combination of mental illness as well as 2 neurodevelopmental disorders; I will never be like everyone else. I'm never going to be able to live a life that I consider to be worth living, because I'm not capable of doing anything.

If I got hospitalized, then I would start fights in an effort to get someone to beat the shit out of me and kill me, because, like I said, I don't want to get better. I want to be free of pain. People shouldn't have to try to get better in order to be allowed to give up.

 

[Tefnu]

For many people, it's not a matter of whether or not there are solutions available; we just don't want to get better. I want to stop feeling pain altogether, and the only way of doing that is to die.

For me, getting better isn't an option, because I'm never gonna be at a point where I'm not feeling a lot of pain. I have a particularly shitty combination of mental illness as well as 2 neurodevelopmental disorders; I will never be like everyone else. I'm never going to be able to live a life that I consider to be worth living, because I'm not capable of doing anything.

If I got hospitalized, then I would start fights in an effort to get someone to beat the shit out of me and kill me, because, like I said, I don't want to get better. I want to be free of pain. People shouldn't have to try to get better in order to be allowed to give up.

I think I get that- I remember feeling something similar. (I have been better for only a short time, but it's so different now that i sometimes forget what it was truly like.) There's something about mental illness that, even in 'recovery', you get so scared of the idea of ever feeling pain again. Some nights, when my meds have worn off for the day, my mood dips and suddenly I'm terrified that 'oh shit, it was only a temporary fix. Im going back to that pain again'. And I spiral. Im lucky enough to have a fix now, though, where i can go to bed, wake up, and feel fine again.

I sympathize with you. Really what got me OUT of my pit was not my own efforts, but people dragging me kicking and screaming through recovery until something worked out. But, in retrospect, I'm thankful they did. I'm a history major, yknow, and ive had the opportunity to write professional papers and shit and for the first time in my life I'm motivated to live, and to live 'exceptionally'. Yknow how sled dogs live to work? That's me now with creating things. I write, i work freelance as an animator, I'm a practicum teacher, and i read and watch an absurd amount of movies and comicws.

The point of me posting this thread, i think, is to plant an idea into the head of anyone who can relate to me and has the slightest chance of pulling out of the tunnel. I still am some 'other' to other people. I have a few learning disorders and behavioral disorders that make it difficult for me to socialize. My mental disorder, too (it's like bipolar depression? Idfk it's whatevers on my insurance to get my meds) makes me prone to sudden and violent changes in mood that freak out other people. Even so, I've managed to acclimate. My friends know what's up, and I know some signs to look out for before i start falling into delusion.

One of my old best friends, too, was a girl with one arm and some sort of psychosis/extreme depression, and while we've drifted a part because of the differences in our recovery paths, but from what i can tell she is also able to live without that severe pain she used to feel.

In conclusion, what? Idfk man, I'm still dumb as shit, I didn't get enlightened or anything. But I feel like many miserable people in my life did me a disservice by making me believe that recovery, that a happy life, was impossible because of how i am, because of how my biology programmed me. Even if you dont want to be happy, and you just want it to end, I hope you can be happy. It's a hell of a wall to climb, one that i don't think anyone in the tunnel really wants to, but goddamn it'd be so fucking sad to lose you and the things you could make of yourself.

 

[borderline-feline]

I think I get that- I remember feeling something similar. (I have been better for only a short time, but it's so different now that i sometimes forget what it was truly like.) There's something about mental illness that, even in 'recovery', you get so scared of the idea of ever feeling pain again. Some nights, when my meds have worn off for the day, my mood dips and suddenly I'm terrified that 'oh shit, it was only a temporary fix. Im going back to that pain again'. And I spiral. Im lucky enough to have a fix now, though, where i can go to bed, wake up, and feel fine again.

I sympathize with you. Really what got me OUT of my pit was not my own efforts, but people dragging me kicking and screaming through recovery until something worked out. But, in retrospect, I'm thankful they did. I'm a history major, yknow, and ive had the opportunity to write professional papers and shit and for the first time in my life I'm motivated to live, and to live 'exceptionally'. Yknow how sled dogs live to work? That's me now with creating things. I write, i work freelance as an animator, I'm a practicum teacher, and i read and watch an absurd amount of movies and comicws.

The point of me posting this thread, i think, is to plant an idea into the head of anyone who can relate to me and has the slightest chance of pulling out of the tunnel. I still am some 'other' to other people. I have a few learning disorders and behavioral disorders that make it difficult for me to socialize. My mental disorder, too (it's like bipolar depression? Idfk it's whatevers on my insurance to get my meds) makes me prone to sudden and violent changes in mood that freak out other people. Even so, I've managed to acclimate. My friends know what's up, and I know some signs to look out for before i start falling into delusion.

One of my old best friends, too, was a girl with one arm and some sort of psychosis/extreme depression, and while we've drifted a part because of the differences in our recovery paths, but from what i can tell she is also able to live without that severe pain she used to feel.

In conclusion, what? Idfk man, I'm still dumb as shit, I didn't get enlightened or anything. But I feel like many miserable people in my life did me a disservice by making me believe that recovery, that a happy life, was impossible because of how i am, because of how my biology programmed me. Even if you dont want to be happy, and you just want it to end, I hope you can be happy. It's a hell of a wall to climb, one that i don't think anyone in the tunnel really wants to, but goddamn it'd be so fucking sad to lose you and the things you could make of yourself.

Honestly, I just want complete destruction of consciousness. I don't want to feel anything. I'm not like you. You have skills, talents, abilities. You have things that you can bring to the world; I don't. All I have is pain and anger, and I want it all gone.

 

[Tefnu]

Honestly, I just want complete destruction of consciousness. I don't want to feel anything. I'm not like you. You have skills, talents, abilities. You have things that you can bring to the world; I don't. All I have is pain and anger, and I want it all gone.

I think you being able to explain pain so complex in so few words is a talent in of itself, so you have that. I'm a jack of few trades, master of none. Almost painfully average in everything i do. But it's not what you bring the world, man. You owe the world nothing. I wish you the best, and I'm sorry your heart is too heavy to handle now.

 

[borderline-feline]

I think you being able to explain pain so complex in so few words is a talent in of itself, so you have that. I'm a jack of few trades, master of none. Almost painfully average in everything i do. But it's not what you bring the world, man. You owe the world nothing. I wish you the best, and I'm sorry your heart is too heavy to handle now.

I don't think I've explained anything complex. I have no talents. I'm awful at everything I try. I'd rather be average at everything than incapable of anything.

I'm not under any kind of delusion that I owe anything to the world. The issue is that I want to be able to earn my own way in life, but that's not possible due to my limitations. I'm just a worthless protoplasm.

 

[SexyIncél]

I don't want to come off as like just another 'it'll get better, just let it pass' person because that was not what happened with me. It didn't magically all fall into place. ... The point of me posting this thread, i think, is to plant an idea into the head of anyone who can relate to me and has the slightest chance of pulling out of the tunnel. ... That's just my retrospective, sentimental thought.

Interesting, why do all these motivational speeches sound the same? Did someone perform a really good one, then everyone recycled its structure?

I liked one person's take! She was a Lyft/Uber driver. Heard me on the phone talking about my CTB impulses. So she gave me her business card for her side-hustle as hairdresser. Asked me to call. Her schpiel had a regional twist: converting me to Jesus Christ my Savior

I like the rhythm in their speech. And the odd gleam in their eyes. I imagine a tear dripping from them, part of them aware of their normie madness

 

[NotHuman]

For many of us solutions are outside of our grasp regardless of whether we use the resources available. I was told that I suffer from depression and was given every treatment for it including TMS and ECT. Eventually there was nothing left to try, and even therapists were telling me there was nothing they could do for me.

I later realized on my own that the source of my misery was my chronic loneliness. My autism made it impossible to connect with others. I always yearned for friends, a relationship, even the ability to just chat up a rando at the bar. But because I was so visibly different everybody kept their distance and I quickly settled into isolation. Even people on the internet form relationships around me but only talk to me if they think they can get something from me.

Even if I were to magically rid myself of autism at this point, my formative years are long behind me. Never will I be able to reflect on past successes to establish and build on relationships in the present because that ship has sailed. At my age, you either need to have your shit together or get out of the way and stop wasting people's time. I'll always have to pretend to be human.

 

[Tefnu]

I don't think I've explained anything complex. I have no talents. I'm awful at everything I try. I'd rather be average at everything than incapable of anything.

I'm not under any kind of delusion that I owe anything to the world. The issue is that I want to be able to earn my own way in life, but that's not possible due to my limitations. I'm just a worthless

One of my majors is education, right? And one of the things I've learned I fall short at is being able to explain my thoughts in a short and cohesive way (something rlly important for teaching woops). You managed to write your experience in an easily digestable way for me, someone who may not have expressly felt what you are feeling. That is an invaluable skill that too many in the political sphere, teaching profession, and business world neglect to learn. It's easy to believe your mind when it tells you that you aren't good enough at something.

It seems like something that would be a survival skill, you know? People who feel they aren't good at something will theoretically try to become better, and people who practice to become better are more likely to succeed in a hostile world. A lot of things, like social anxiety, are like that in the way that they're valuable mechanisms for helping us with important survival skills, but too much of that mental perfectionism will make your own brain turn agaisnt you and trick you into thinking you aren't any good.

You're probably more talented than you realize

Interesting, why do all these motivational speeches sound the same? Did someone perform a really good one, then everyone recycled its structure?

I liked one person's take! She was a Lyft/Uber driver. Heard me on the phone talking about my CTB impulses. So she gave me her business card for her side-hustle as hairdresser. Asked me to call. Her schpiel had a regional twist: converting me to Jesus Christ my Savior

I like the rhythm in their speech. And the odd gleam in their eyes. I imagine tears dripping from them, part of them aware of their normie madness

Yeahhh no I'm not quite there yet. I'm athiest. Maybe one day I'll be a stoner bible thumper but not today.

But I feel like a lot of life is just relearning something that thousands before me have learned. This sounds stupid af, but I heard in a slam poetry recording that 1 in 5 kids (in the U.S.) struggle with suicidal ideation. And I mean, when I was going through the worst of my shit I got to know this girl my age who had the same thoughts. Her mindset was eerily similar, and through her I think i realized that I'm incredibly unoriginal. We 'recovered' the same way (going on meds but still being edgy artsy people) and I found that we both kind of have the same 'oh man I want to tell people like me what it CAN be like' type of thing going on. It's broken record type shit though. To defend myself; i did not tear up writing this lol- nor am i trying to sell anything

 

[borderline-feline]

One of my majors is education, right? And one of the things I've learned I fall short at is being able to explain my thoughts in a short and cohesive way (something rlly important for teaching woops). You managed to write your experience in an easily digestable way for me, someone who may not have expressly felt what you are feeling. That is an invaluable skill that too many in the political sphere, teaching profession, and business world neglect to learn. It's easy to believe your mind when it tells you that you aren't good enough at something.

It seems like something that would be a survival skill, you know? People who feel they aren't good at something will theoretically try to become better, and people who practice to become better are more likely to succeed in a hostile world. A lot of things, like social anxiety, are like that in the way that they're valuable mechanisms for helping us with important survival skills, but too much of that mental perfectionism will make your own brain turn agaisnt you and trick you into thinking you aren't any good.

You're probably more talented than you realize

I barely scratched the surface in terms of my experience, so I think the praise is very much undue, but I'm not going to fault you for calling it the way you see it. I have a tendency to ramble on (as my post history shows), so I'm not good at communicating things at all. I'm autistic as well, which is why I have difficulty with communication.

Even if I was talented in that regard, I have no interest in any of those things. I can't be a businesswoman because I'm not smart or reliable enough. Politics is out as a career idea because I hate politicians, and teaching isn't possible because that would require college, and being around minors is bad for my OCD.

I'm not a perfectionist; I just can't do anything right. I'm stuck at a mental age of 12. The only life I see as worth living would be as my favorite person's pet, but I'll spare you that tangent so as to avoid showing how much of a freak I am. I have no talent or skills, and I'm not capable of developing skills. I'm like celery, worthless, flavorless, and inedible without adding in peanut butter and raisins (though celery is still inedible even with peanut butter and raisins).

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Some people here (like myself) could in theory recover just to cope, but what it all boils down to is the life you get from coping doesn't give us the net gain we want. For some of us, we are not willing to settle, especially when death will come anyways. It's just postponing the inevitable only to live a below standard life. Not worth it for me, at least.

 

[Tefnu]

For many of us solutions are outside of our grasp regardless of whether we use the resources available. I was told that I suffer from depression and was given every treatment for it including TMS and ECT. Eventually there was nothing left to try, and even therapists were telling me there was nothing they could do for me.

I later realized on my own that the source of my misery was my chronic loneliness. My autism made it impossible to connect with others. I always yearned for friends, a relationship, even the ability to just chat up a rando at the bar. But because I was so visibly different everybody kept their distance and I quickly settled into isolation. Even people on the internet form relationships around me but only talk to me if they think they can get something from me.

Even if I were to magically rid myself of autism at this point, my formative years are long behind me. Never will I be able to reflect on past successes to establish and build on relationships in the present because that ship has sailed. At my age, you either need to have your shit together or get out of the way and stop wasting people's time. I'll always have to pretend to be human.

Damn man. Im doing the stupid ass 'i resonate' snaps rn, which probably sounds disingenuous after my original post. Im 20, young as shit and in probably the most social period of my life being in college and all. My social circle is embarassingly small, though, and getting smaller. Most of my friends, while great people, are people 'damaged' like me who never learned how to move on from the friends they made in middle school (im one of those friends).

Im not neurotypical, but I'm not going to discount your struggles with socializing. Lemme be cliché for a second, though, and say you're not pretending to be human. Loneliness is something so innately human and yet it seems most everyone is poor at alleviating it. Even married people are lonely in their shared beds. Im sure you've heard all the advice, like 'oh join a hobby group' or 'dating apps' or 'put yourself out there' etc etc. Whatever. Works for some doesn't work for others. Doesn't work for me. I'm too immediately weird for most people to wanna hang with me. But in my mind, now, that's fine.

I wont, and cant, offer you any advice. But I want you to know I relate if that makes sense? I can see just how heartbreaking that can feel. Godspeed, man. I hope you find what you're looking for.

 

[wr3ck3d]

I have been better for 5 years until I went into severe depression again. Many of us have been depressed for a long long time. I'm glad it worked out for you, despite the things you went through to get to this point

 

[Tefnu]

I barely scratched the surface in terms of my experience, so I think the praise is very much undue, but I'm not going to fault you for calling it the way you see it. I have a tendency to ramble on (as my post history shows), so I'm not good at communicating things at all. I'm autistic as well, which is why I have difficulty with communication.

Even if I was talented in that regard, I have no interest in any of those things. I can't be a businesswoman because I'm not smart or reliable enough. Politics is out as a career idea because I hate politicians, and teaching isn't possible because that would require college, and being around minors is bad for my OCD.

I'm not a perfectionist; I just can't do anything right. I'm stuck at a mental age of 12. The only life I see as worth living would be as my favorite person's pet, but I'll spare you that tangent so as to avoid showing how much of a freak I am. I have no talent or skills, and I'm not capable of developing skills. I'm like celery, worthless, flavorless, and inedible without adding in peanut butter and raisins (though celery is still inedible even with peanut butter and raisins).

No lie, i eat celery as is. It's an aquired taste, like dark chocolate or coffee. You, someone who doesn't like celery, have a critical view of it. I love celery. I buy it all the time. I put it in soup, i eat the stalks by themselves, i use it as something to gnaw on when i work. Most people don't like celery, but you're not gonna please most people with any one food. And most people dont like it because they cant get past the taste. If you're celery, then the celery hating people are not your crowd, and their opinion of you isn't something you need to take to heart. This goes for you, too, celery hater. We're all our own worst critics, but your minds being unfair to you. You have value that it's not letting you see. Hard as it may seem, there ARE people out there who like celery. There ARE people who dont look at you as critically as you do. Celery is an acquired taste, you are capable of change.

My list of careers as well was not an all-inclusive list by any means. For ex. I'm a whiny little history major. I love it because it seems like 'my calling' to learn about it. But no one pays you just to learn, so i was like 'what jobs can you get with this skill' and my parents were very quick to say 'fuck all.' But that's not true. You can work in archives, as a tour guide, at archeological sites, be a reinactor, work in a museum, work with newspapers, data, etc. A SURPRISING amount of companies are interested in having history-able people to train their workers. I thought my only option would be teaching, so that's what i chose as my second major, but that's not true. And that's how it goes for every degree, for every talent, for every minute little skill. We live in a new age where the typical 9-5 office jobs and lifelong employment are an unlikely career options. Specialization, niche interests, uncommon talents, whatever the fuck. They're all what's important now. Which is why you, someone who views yourself as a 'freak' and some sort of 'other' outside of the general population, have more opportunities than you realize. Being a freak, being fucking weird, it gives you a perspective and kind of creativity towards differences that other people dont have. It's what makes it in a growing complex world. If everyone was 'normal' the world would be boring as shit, with technology that only works and doesn't excel.

As for the pet thing, i get you more than you realize lol. Lots of people got things about them that they're ashamed of. Lots of people find people different than them 'weird.' But they aint your people. (Search online for local bdsm groups if you're into pet play?)

 

[borderline-feline]

No lie, i eat celery as is. It's an aquired taste, like dark chocolate or coffee. You, someone who doesn't like celery, have a critical view of it. I love celery. I buy it all the time. I put it in soup, i eat the stalks by themselves, i use it as something to gnaw on when i work. Most people don't like celery, but you're not gonna please most people with any one food. And most people dont like it because they cant get past the taste. If you're celery, then the celery hating people are not your crowd, and their opinion of you isn't something you need to take to heart. This goes for you, too, celery hater. We're all our own worst critics, but your minds being unfair to you. You have value that it's not letting you see. Hard as it may seem, there ARE people out there who like celery. There ARE people who dont look at you as critically as you do. Celery is an acquired taste, you are capable of change.

My list of careers as well was not an all-inclusive list by any means. For ex. I'm a whiny little history major. I love it because it seems like 'my calling' to learn about it. But no one pays you just to learn, so i was like 'what jobs can you get with this skill' and my parents were very quick to say 'fuck all.' But that's not true. You can work in archives, as a tour guide, at archeological sites, be a reinactor, work in a museum, work with newspapers, data, etc. A SURPRISING amount of companies are interested in having history-able people to train their workers. I thought my only option would be teaching, so that's what i chose as my second major, but that's not true. And that's how it goes for every degree, for every talent, for every minute little skill. We live in a new age where the typical 9-5 office jobs and lifelong employment are an unlikely career options. Specialization, niche interests, uncommon talents, whatever the fuck. They're all what's important now. Which is why you, someone who views yourself as a 'freak' and some sort of 'other' outside of the general population, have more opportunities than you realize. Being a freak, being fucking weird, it gives you a perspective and kind of creativity towards differences that other people dont have. It's what makes it in a growing complex world. If everyone was 'normal' the world would be boring as shit, with technology that only works and doesn't excel.

As for the pet thing, i get you more than you realize lol. Lots of people got things about them that they're ashamed of. Lots of people find people different than them 'weird.' But they aint your people. (Search online for local bdsm groups if you're into pet play?)

Some people may like celery, but I can't eat it; the texture makes me vomit. I guess that's something that I should've clarified for my analogy. I know that there are people who look at me differently than how I look at myself, but that doesn't make them right. My favorite person, for example, is too blinded by his feelings for me to see the reality of what I am. I'm not capable of change.

I don't have any opportunities because I can't do basic things. I struggle to communicate properly, and I can't really take care of myself. I have no talents, and there are no careers that could ever be an option for me because I can't drive and didn't graduate high school. I also have no interest in getting a GED because I'd have to go to college to make any use of it, and that's not an option for me since I'm not intelligent or the academic type. You could list off any type of career, and I would have a genuine reason as to why I can't do it.

I'm a freak in that everything about me pushes people away. I constantly have to hide the most important things about myself (the only things that I can say are really me) from most people, which is part of why interacting with other people is so difficult. I don't want to give specifics in public, because that scares people away.

I'm not ashamed of the pet thing. I also don't think that "pet play" is the right term for it. It's not a sexual thing for me; I just want to live as a housecat (BDSM groups are also not an option because my favorite person is the only one who can be my master). I want my favorite person to control everything about me aside from what and when I eat/drink. I want to have my schedule controlled, and I want to have my bank account controlled.

The problem is that it's never going to happen because my favorite person doesn't want to have that control over me. He's okay with the whole putting me in a collar (with cat ears and tail), setting up a cat bed or a cage, and letting me eat Cheerios out of a cat food bowl aspects of it, but he doesn't want to be my master in a controlling way. He doesn't want to punish me if I misbehave. He wants to be equals because he can't handle the responsibility of having me as a pet.

 

[FlameWhisperer]

I found the other side of the tunnel, and I had to dig it out myself. I was fucked up in the head, and I still am. I can't exist 'naturally' but that's fine, because I CAN exist

This. This right there is the reason.

I can relate to your post in so many ways, however, here we are, you stand tall on your "Hey, this can be good too", I was there, until I remembered "Hey, this can be good too... If you keep repressing yourself for the rest of your life." Yeah. That's what I decided I don't accept. I won't live not one year more repressing myself.

I have a big story for background,, but to sum it up the best I can, I started my first 15 years of life in a very dark spot. After those years, there was some light, but then I realized light was not exactly how I expected, and there was some dark in me, that was still there. I realized the dark in me was not washed away by that light, because it did not belong to my past anymore, it had eaten through me, and now was a part of me.

I fell again, but this time even harder. I still somehow managed to go through those years until I was 19 and exploding again. Another wave, another try to get out of the dark spot.

At 20 I understood. I realized. No more rebellious actions, there was a way out: be one more in the crowd, accept things for what they are: event A happened, with consequence A as a result. That's all there is. Work because some money is better than none. Work because that money can buy you food, and some food is better than none. Work because that money can pay you a bed in a rented room, and a bed in a rented room is better than none. Then, someday, you can get better than what you have today.

And I was satisfied... For a time. Then it all came hitting me again. I've lived some years now in repression. There was a day I just accepted that, for me to exist, I would need to throw away myself completely, my personality, my identity, and live as some half-assed version of it, that is only accepting of the inevitability and empty little meanings that people give to stuff, lying to myself that I agreed with them, because otherwise I would be pushed to madness, to the sentiment of wanting freedom again.


Then it hit me like a truck again. Why am I doing this? Why do I keep pushing knowing fully well I know this has no meaning to me? That this enfuriates me, to just swallow down everytime something does not feel right? To pretend this is fine, because if I keep going I may eventually reach a place I am satisfied, somehow, because I have a comfortable house, maybe a car, a good paying job, and I can enjoy my hobbies on the days off, or hang out with my friends sometimes... And I wished that I could laugh, breath deep and say "man, I do love to hang out with my friends, or play" and be truly honest. But I can't. Because, no matter if the moment is a nice one, I am always haunted by the weight of how nothingness that actually feels like, that I am just lying to myself, in order to adjust, adapt, to be part of the society I was forced to be with, no other choice.

And I know, I cannot repress myself forever. I'm only human, after all. And I know that there is a day I won't repress myself anymore again, and all that I have worked for this far will be destroyed in a day, because that is the day I go rampant and make sure I destroy as much as I can before someone stops me.

So why, you asked? Because I agree that I am the one that needs to adjust because I am the odd one out, they are all the majority. It is only logical that the minority adjusts to accommodate the majority. And I also know, that it is just not in my nature to adjust, adapt, and let live, it is something out of my control, something that I just cannot change, and never did, not with therapy, not with meds, not under hospitalization. This nature never changed, only tamed, by the repression, the "gaslight yourself".

I know myself too well. And this time, I actually built something that I have consideration for, respect, pride, and maybe even cherish a bit. I can't afford to wake up one day, at my limit, and let it all out. Years of repression. At once. I won't allow that to happen and watch as I, myself, destroy everything that I, myself, built. It's a coin, one creates, one destroys, but both is me.

So I figured... I always told myself since ever that I would be the one taking my own life. I just knew it somehow that it is how it ends, and how I would want it to end. I think nowadays I know why I always thought that. Because I will end it while it is still good, while I can still smile, laugh, and be with people. If the coin flips... The end would be much more tragic. This way is better. This way I can go with a fulfilled conscience, a peace of mind that, even though I did not see the potential of how far I could reach with this newfound mindset, provided by the self-control of emotional repression, I could at least know a side of me I loved and nodded in pride saying "This is the me that I love, this is what I always wanted to be. But I could only be this for so long... Before the darkness that exists in me since ever, eats it away. I am glad it ended this way, this time."

Lots of metaphors in here lol Sorry, I am somehow sometimes a bit too "poetic" I suppose.

 

[letsmakeitagoodworl]

Honestly, I just want complete destruction of consciousness. I don't want to feel anything. I'm not like you. You have skills, talents, abilities. You have things that you can bring to the world; I don't. All I have is pain and anger, and I want it all gone.

Can I ask what stops you? I go between both, usually I'm st least passively suicidal, that's the norm, I have fleetingly better hours/a day maybe, then days/weeks mostly wanting to be dead, but im scared to do it & scared of death. I've tried once before with 110% decision but obvs failed. This makes me very confused because my life feels fucked (21 years depression, 17/18 years eating disorders), aparently autistic spectrum, anxiety, severe dirt phobia, life threatening destructive behaviour that's required more blood transfusions then I'd like to know the number of for 8/9 years, ocd PD, severe delayed sleep phase disorder... the list goes on. It makes me think some part of me must have hope cuse this stuff is worse then death... but then again maybe it's the idea of with life the option of death is always there but death is final. Idk. I have a diff history to OP but relate alot to the core message in the post for people who aren't wanting to escape every aspect of living & who have been sick a brief time or are 25 or under (related to prefrontal cortex development... I think there's def situations where the age thing isn't relative but I'm just broadly speaking, and also chronic pain or disability with no recovery options. Again just my opinion but ik a few (not on here) who I feel would benefit from trying to fight thelr mental illness rather then have no chance by worsening it intentionally. I just have the stance of if you are stuck being alive give mental wellness a chance, if it doesn't work you can opt out. I know it's not this easy, I wish I'd done so much diff in my life. I don't believe anymore everyone will heal from depression/suicidality etc (I don't believe I will) but I hope for everyone they give themselves a chance... again im this is way easier then it is when feeling so low.

At the end of the day only yourself can know how bad things are & what's the right choice. I can't seem to figure that out for myself so I'm on and off here

 

[borderline-feline]

Can I ask what stops you? I go between both, usually I'm st least passively suicidal, that's the norm, I have fleetingly better hours/a day maybe, then days/weeks mostly wanting to be dead, but im scared to do it & scared of death. I've tried once before with 110% decision but obvs failed. This makes me very confused because my life feels fucked (21 years depression, 17/18 years eating disorders), aparently autistic spectrum, anxiety, severe dirt phobia, life threatening destructive behaviour that's required more blood transfusions then I'd like to know the number of for 8/9 years, ocd PD, severe delayed sleep phase disorder... the list goes on. It makes me think some part of me must have hope cuse this stuff is worse then death... but then again maybe it's the idea of with life the option of death is always there but death is final. Idk. I have a diff history to OP but relate alot to the core message in the post for people who aren't wanting to escape every aspect of living & who have been sick a brief time or are 25 or under (related to prefrontal cortex development... I think there's def situations where the age thing isn't relative but I'm just broadly speaking, and also chronic pain or disability with no recovery options. Again just my opinion but ik a few (not on here) who I feel would benefit from trying to fight thelr mental illness rather then have no chance by worsening it intentionally. I just have the stance of if you are stuck being alive give mental wellness a chance, if it doesn't work you can opt out. I know it's not this easy, I wish I'd done so much diff in my life. I don't believe anymore everyone will heal from depression/suicidality etc (I don't believe I will) but I hope for everyone they give themselves a chance... again im this is way easier then it is when feeling so low.

At the end of the day only yourself can know how bad things are & what's the right choice. I can't seem to figure that out for myself so I'm on and off here

I'm here mainly for the sake of venting about my situation. I can't catch the bus without getting permission from my favorite person. After a particularly bad meltdown I had I was terrified that he might leave me, so I promised him that I wouldn't kill myself or self-harm. By making that promise, I essentially signed my life away to him, although, in all fairness, my life already belonged to him.

I'm not capable of getting better, and even if I was, I don't want to get better. I hate being happy because it involves a feeling of fear and dread about what will ruin my mood. Even when I don't have that feeling of fear and dread, the intensity of the happiness is really uncomfortable. My emotions are so intense that it's painful, and that's why I want to feel nothing. No amount of getting better would give me the only life that suits me, which is a life as my favorite person's pet.

I don't expect all of it to make sense, but as my username suggests, I have borderline personality disorder. I don't have an identity independent of my favorite person. Almost everything about me is an extension of him, and I just want to be his property. I'll never be able to have that life, so there's no point in living. It would be the only thing that could make existence tolerable.

 

[FuneralCry]

Shouldn't threads like this be in the recovery section?. I'm pretty sure that is the place in the forum for threads about people who's situation has improved. But in regards to the part of being unable to understand, why people "jump to ctb straightaway who haven't exhausted all options", the thing is that everyone experiences life differently and not everyone shares the belief that suicide must be the last resort and that life is something that is beneficial and valuable. I mean after all, continuing to exist is just delaying our inevitable fate and I see existence as not being worth enduring and I would prefer death to any kind of life. It's fine for you that you see life as being a good thing, but in my case the thing that I see as being the true problem is life itself and if suicide wasn't so difficult I would be long gone.

But anyway, the reality is that you cannot really understand others situations as you cannot experience life the same way. But I think that if you want to give advice to people on this site, the best place to do that is in the recovery section. Those are the people who want to stay here and maybe see potential for their situation to improve. I think that unsolicited advice and forced positivity can be quite insensitive in the suicide discussion if people aren't asking for it. The suicide discussion is a place for people to vent unless they specifically want advice.

 

[Moonomyth]

That's just me. I don't get why people who haven't exhausted all of their options would jump to CTB right away. I mean, I can't speak to any of your situations, again, only to mine. But like, if you're still holding on, still maybe looking back over the fence like 'ah but like what if it didn't have to be this way' then try to dig out of that tunnel just a littttle more. That's just my retrospective, sentimental thought.

The other options are all significantly less attractive and require me to improve as a person in ways that mean I will not hurt the people I want to hurt.