Help Why should I recover?

[TheLastGreySky]

I want to recover -- at least, I would assume it would be beneficial to do so versus CTB.
But, I guess I'm kind of filled with apathy again.

So maybe you can tell me things you're looking forward to or reasons you want to push forward, etc.

For me I feel like life itself is kind of against my moral compass. Until recently I was finding it hard to get a job because I have felonies,
But I found out that you can pass a background check for employment to not disclosing information as long as you're in a different state they won't check unless it's a medical or government job/or something like a bank etc.

So then I'm now filled with the disgust that I have to lie just to survive. I'm currently staying with a (new) girlfriend and about to start work.
Like I got her hooked up with a job at a factory and got a lot of good things for her, but for me... I'm just really not finding any motivation to make plans for next year. I built my identity around being a father, and now I have to play the legal system just to get a Fighting Chance at my freedom and my family. And really, if I lose those battles my life is over.

I'm struggling with trying to be optimistic, and in the event that I do get all the things I want, I don't want to get depressed because I never plan to actually get that far. So maybe I do need to start making plans I'm being successful whether or not I actually do get a miracle.

The last thing I was excited for was Mortal Kombat 1. and I guess I'm kind of disassociating on if there's anything I even enjoy anymore.

 

[amomentspeace]

So maybe you can tell me things you're looking forward to or reasons you want to push forward, etc.

I'm looking forward to playing elden ring nightrein and monster hunter wilds with my friends. as well as finally getting to do the thing I want to do in life after university ends next year. I hope I can make it

The last thing I was excited for was Mortal Kombat 1. and I guess I'm kind of disassociating on if there's anything I even enjoy anymore.

oof I get it, sadly it seems like there are no more good AAA games

 

[LoveroftheDark]

I want to recover -- at least, I would assume it would be beneficial to do so versus CTB.
But, I guess I'm kind of filled with apathy again.

Apathy was a stage for me too, it's really hard nowadays when there's tons of triggers all around and people who just ruin everything you worked for so hard. Recovery is really personal but maybe try giving yourself time? After all, you should choose what's best for you, and the answer might not be instant.

I'm now filled with the disgust that I have to lie just to survive.

I see it more like a white lie, because after all you lied about something that wasn't important at that moment. You do deserve the job, and it shouldn't be a deciding factor whether you have felonies or not.

So maybe you can tell me things you're looking forward to or reasons you want to push forward, etc.

So now, for the trivial part known as my reason, my reason is complex. First of all, it's because the people around me worry enough, I don't wanna disappoint them, even though I can't feel love by them, they certainly do, and I care enough to not make them suffer. Secondly, I do it for myself - stupid reason, I know, but someday maybe my self-hate and disgust will turn back to acceptance, and I hold onto that hope as it is the only thing I have left. Otherwise, I would just suffer. And lastly, I do it because I know I am blessed enough with therapy, things to eat, basic stuff like that. If I look at it as I would be just a nameless person, you would still think they deserve to live happily, right? So I wouldn't want them to suffer, so why would I want myself to suffer as well?

I personally think CTB is for people who lost all ways out, and it is personal choice, but I wouldn't wish anyone dying at the same time. I want them to suffer as least as possible, or not at all.

So the choice is yours and yours only, and this community would support you either way. Choose what you think is best for you, not what you deserve.