Venting Why must I continue...

[AngelTear]

I don't understand why I "have to keep going" or why "I must survive"
My life is shit and things are not going to get better- I'm not going thru hell just to get to heaven
They say they understand I have very little will to live, I don't think they truly fucking understand

And I know you can't just tell a suicidal person to off themselves cuz laws and shit but damn I'm so sick of this toxic positivity mindset around these things. It's so bad that websites put of that bullshit "we care about you" thing when you speak a little to real about being suicidal- I hate it.

I'm tired of being told to research this, research that, go to the government...for nothing to every actually get even remotely better
On top of that, I've been wanting to kill myself as early as age 12. Nothing has changed my mind to live in that time. If anything, the longer I go on the more I realize that life is just scamming me. People are shit.

I will attempt hanging from my door tonight, whatever method that's called, and I hope and pray that it's successful and no interruptions. I'll spend the meantime hyping myself up until I have enough nerve to go through with it.
It sucks because this is not the method I wanted. I didn't want any of this bullshit- I mean I never wanted to live a long time but I wanted to live a nice happy life until I decide to go.
I know I will not have the "funeral" I want either which was simply being thrown into the wilderness to be scavenged by wildlife or into the sea.

I know my mom will still be delusional (hell she don't even think I'm her kid half the times anyway even though I came out of her), I know my dad's health will never get better, I know my brother will act like he loved me so much and was always praying for me despite being my first bully...I know y'all don't know me but I want everyone to know I did not fuck with my family, they're the major reason I turned out the way I did. Istg I'm gonna be so pissed if they post pics of me on their Facebook like I was all loved an shit when in reality I was just an after thought because I was an unexpected baby. At least they don't have adult pics of me, they only have the pics of me as a baby, the only version of me they ever really loved.

I still have many things I've never gotten to do which pisses me off the most. I never got to see a seal irl, never got to have an art career or make more art, never got to be fluent in another language, nothing...

And all because I had to be born.

 

[black_iris]

This is so real, i myself am planning to ctb soon. It really does suck when everyone is like "you have so much to live for", like no the fuck i dont. Or saying dont ctb. Like its totally the persons choice what they do because they are the only ones experiencing THEIR life. No one else lives as them so why does it matter to cease to exist? just so others dont suffer? thats so stupid. My situation isnt as bad as other peoples ive heard but i still see no point. theres nothing i could really achieve that i actually care about. and ill die anyways so why does it matter when. and im also curious about what happens next but that isnt why im doing it. Ive come to realize a lot of people tell others to not ctb as virtue signaling and they dont actually care no matter how much they swear they do. I think you should at least do the method you wanted to do if you do it- you owe it to yourself to have whatever passing you want. I hope whatever outcome you have is peaceful. And remember if you somehow have a complete 180 change of character and decide you wanna live, thats totally okay. But in the end its your choice and i hope youre happy with it and thats its peaceful <3