Why keep going?

[anopenwound]

I know that people say lows are a part of life. I wouldn't argue with that. I accept that. What they can't possibly imagine is that to me lows aren't just moments. They're like oil stains. Once they're there, they're forever there. And if you don't stop them quickly, they spread all over the fabric. They leak into other parts of the fabric.
The sadness takes over and leaks into every aspect of your life. It taints everything. Once is there is there to stay. I wish joy had the power to dissolve these stains. I wish it could at least stay just as long. It never does.

So no, I can't handle these lows. I understand they have to happen. But it seems that for everybody else in the world they're not so persistent. They come, they go. Mine stay. Forever.
Grief is something you grow around, but what if it is your grief that grows around you? And you keep on trying to outgrow it, but you never catch. The pain swallows you whole every time. You fight it only to figure out you were better off if you didn't. You'd have less wounds to heal. And they never do anyway.

I'm tired. Today was supposed to be a good day. By every aspect it was. Except for my heart. It's so irremediably broken. I don't know what to do with all its pieces anymore. They're so many and so small they're starting to look more like sand.
I love my friends, I love what has been going on for me, I'm grateful for the stage my life's at right now. But I can't feel any of that. I wish I did. And I'm sorry to all those who love me, 'cause I can't find a good reason to stay.
I'm tired of everything not making sense, being ruined, hurting me. To be clear: nobody is hurting me. Nothing is actually happening. It's just my brain. It's just me. I'm the problem. I'm fucked up.

I'm tired. I hope to go to sleep and not get up. I'm so, so, so tired. I pray to God he listens and takes away my pain, my life. I can't do this anymore.

 

[sos]

the expectations of your stains are too high

they're not to dissolve, forget or whatever
they're to be used to become a better person

the stains are there and you (probably) know what the cause of those stains

you can work on preventing more stains from happening

by working on that, you're working on becoming a better person

lower your expectations, don't expect to forget, or dissolve

use the lows / stains to improve where you're lacking

 

[anopenwound]

I try all the time to no avail.

 

[sos]

I try all the time to no avail.

have you gotten any help or have u been doing this solo

 

[anopenwound]

have you gotten any help or have u been doing this solo

I have lovely friends, did therapy for years, took meds for years. I'm still here.

 

[MEAT.01]

I know that people say lows are a part of life. I wouldn't argue with that. I accept that. What they can't possibly imagine is that to me lows aren't just moments. They're like oil stains. Once they're there, they're forever there. And if you don't stop them quickly, they spread all over the fabric. They leak into other parts of the fabric.
The sadness takes over and leaks into every aspect of your life. It taints everything. Once is there is there to stay. I wish joy had the power to dissolve these stains. I wish it could at least stay just as long. It never does.

So no, I can't handle these lows. I understand they have to happen. But it seems that for everybody else in the world they're not so persistent. They come, they go. Mine stay. Forever.
Grief is something you grow around, but what if it is your grief that grows around you? And you keep on trying to outgrow it, but you never catch. The pain swallows you whole every time. You fight it only to figure out you were better off if you didn't. You'd have less wounds to heal. And they never do anyway.

I'm tired. Today was supposed to be a good day. By every aspect it was. Except for my heart. It's so irremediably broken. I don't know what to do with all its pieces anymore. They're so many and so small they're starting to look more like sand.
I love my friends, I love what has been going on for me, I'm grateful for the stage my life's at right now. But I can't feel any of that. I wish I did. And I'm sorry to all those who love me, 'cause I can't find a good reason to stay.
I'm tired of everything not making sense, being ruined, hurting me. To be clear: nobody is hurting me. Nothing is actually happening. It's just my brain. It's just me. I'm the problem. I'm fucked up.

I'm tired. I hope to go to sleep and not get up. I'm so, so, so tired. I pray to God he listens and takes away my pain, my life. I can't do this anymore.

I totally understand you, it's horrible to see how others advance and you stay there stuck in this shit. To be honest I don't know how I keep breathing with so much pain inside, at this point I can't even concentrate in my daily activities...

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Lows that we could easily escape from forever by simply CTBing. Amazing that only a 700,000 out of 8.5 billion of us around the world are lucky enough to be able leave on our own terms like this every year.

 

[ziggystardust2222]

The only reason I keep going is for my parents and children. I hate my life and spend all my time on my own yet no one sees the despair I'm in. I feel like I'm on the edge. I've been googling Beachy Head and have a loose plan of going down, necking a bottle of vodka, then jumping. It consumes my thoughts.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of suffering in this existence, I also just wish to never wake again. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[BoneWeary57]

I know that people say lows are a part of life. I wouldn't argue with that. I accept that. What they can't possibly imagine is that to me lows aren't just moments. They're like oil stains. Once they're there, they're forever there. And if you don't stop them quickly, they spread all over the fabric. They leak into other parts of the fabric.
The sadness takes over and leaks into every aspect of your life. It taints everything. Once is there is there to stay. I wish joy had the power to dissolve these stains. I wish it could at least stay just as long. It never does.

So no, I can't handle these lows. I understand they have to happen. But it seems that for everybody else in the world they're not so persistent. They come, they go. Mine stay. Forever.
Grief is something you grow around, but what if it is your grief that grows around you? And you keep on trying to outgrow it, but you never catch. The pain swallows you whole every time. You fight it only to figure out you were better off if you didn't. You'd have less wounds to heal. And they never do anyway.

I'm tired. Today was supposed to be a good day. By every aspect it was. Except for my heart. It's so irremediably broken. I don't know what to do with all its pieces anymore. They're so many and so small they're starting to look more like sand.
I love my friends, I love what has been going on for me, I'm grateful for the stage my life's at right now. But I can't feel any of that. I wish I did. And I'm sorry to all those who love me, 'cause I can't find a good reason to stay.
I'm tired of everything not making sense, being ruined, hurting me. To be clear: nobody is hurting me. Nothing is actually happening. It's just my brain. It's just me. I'm the problem. I'm fucked up.

I'm tired. I hope to go to sleep and not get up. I'm so, so, so tired. I pray to God he listens and takes away my pain, my life. I can't do this anymore.

Every single sentence you wrote...I could've written verbatim. 100% understand what you mean by all of it. I'm sorry, truly, you are struggling like this. Depression, chronic depression, is one definition of Hell.