Venting Why it's so hard???

[puppy9]

I decided to to stat dose my SN rather than waiting 48 hours, I've already mixed my SN in a few paper cups. At the moment that I'm close to drinking it, I chickened out. I'm just pathetic, I can't even kill myself; I'm just a pathetic loser. I don't wanna see myself alive anymore, I'm gonna be 28 in a few months, every breath reminds me of how big of a loser I am.

Last year I almost succeed my partial hanging, lost consciousness but the window grill fell off and I woke up with bruises on my head and neck.

Why it was easier to do it in the past and it's hard now? It just show how big of a loser I am.

I just wanna die, I can't take it going out feeling overwhelmed with people, it triggers my anxiety to a point I can't function, I just freeze.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

It's hard puppy. But at least you had the proper method to begin with and were close to the edge. That one of being ready.
The memories of being a freaking loser haunt me too, so the least I can say on that is that you are not alone with the feeling.

Every step of the planning counts, but still, I would assume at this point that we could never foreshadow everything.
After all, we are human beings and not computing machines. I am sure when the time comes and that when everything is all ready, the way it should, you will be able to.

Anxiety itself, that's a whole different story. One that is by far the worst. Thank you for sharing all of this with us!
It's strange though, I thought SN is the most reliable thing for it, but I guess SI can still kick in and make a person step back.
How are you feeling and doing at the moment though? I bet the feeling is pretty bad that you couldn't follow through with it.
I am really sorry!

 

[puppy9]

@Vorty27

I'm having mixed feelings. I hope to try it again soon. I just can't imagine seeing 28.

I planned for 48 hours but I can't take the pain anymore so I decided to stat dose.

 

[degeneratewaste]

so many hugs for you, @puppy9 . but you are not pathetic, just know this. it takes a lot of bravery to face CTB like you have. the brain is so dead set on staying alive, it's understandable that you could "chicken out".

you are not a loser because things haven't gone to plan with this.

I know it is hard when you feel so low, but please try and do something to take care of yourself after this. you owe yourself that, at least. it feels like a failure, I know - but it takes a lot to stand up and face death like this. you have been brave and you deserve at least a little self-care following something so massive.

so much love and many hugs. <3

 

[puppy9]

@degeneratewaste thanks for your kind words. I'm still feeling horrible, I don't know what to do.

 

[sadworld]

I know exactly how you feel. Like I said on another thread, it feels like we are trapped in a prison (life) and SI is the jail warder trying to keep us locked in when we try to escape. I like seeing you around here on SS and you were also one of the people that congratulated me to my birthday last month so I'm really sad that you are trying to go. Anyway, I wish you all the best. Sending hugs

 

[puppy9]

@sadworld Thanks my dear.
I hope I'll gather enough courage to try it again soon. I'll try the 48 hours instead.

 

[SmellyRat]

Don't feel bad i'm in my 20s too, i can't see myself getting to 30.

I wish i had the strength to ctb, but i can't because i live with family so it would be stupid to try on impulse.

I'm just going to let fate guide me on when i go

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I saw the avatar and I thought BPD_LE had unbanned!

I'm so sorry you're suffering. I'm selfishly happy you're still here, but in my heart I feel sad for you that you're suffering. I want to be able to fix everything for you and I can't, but I would.

I don't know why it was easier in the past. I'm having a much harder time now, too, even though things are worse. This was only one attempt, though; later it may be easier again. Or you may find something that helps with what ails you so that you would want to live. Or an asteroid could hit the earth and we'd all go extinct.

Sending you comforting reusable hugs.

 

[puppy9]

@GoodPersonEffed I miss @BPD_LE so much. She's always there for me. I hope I'm not disrespecting her by using her avatar.

I guess helping me to ease my anxiety when I'm out of my four walls. Maybe when I see that I can improve in terms of anxiety even a little bit will make me feel there's hope for me integrate to society.

Asteroid would help too.

 

[puppy9]

Don't feel bad i'm in my 20s too, i can't see myself getting to 30.

I wish i had the strength to ctb, but i can't because i live with family so it would be stupid to try on impulse.

I'm just going to let fate guide me on when i go

I love you @SmellyRat