why is recovery so hard?

[pyx]

i'm unable to put ideas of recovery into practice. there is simply too much to consider and to mull over, and i feel incapable of doing so. recovery doesn't favour those like myself who are unable to think. i lack the motivation to improve my circumstances. i have been made only to rot, but i am not happy. perhaps contentment and general satisfaction is a privilege for minds well equipped to integrate into society. i find it all so tiresome

i know that nothing will come if i don't put in effort. for the longest time i have been trying to. in fact, my whole life has revolved around this. but nothing will ever come about. i'm not intelligent enough to critically think about the path to reintegration. something as simple as getting out of bed seems like a herculean task. i fear that blindly accepting dogmatic advice will harm me in the long term, since i am unable to critically examine and pick apart what works best in practice. i seek only to minimize pain currently, which entails coping through all forms of easy delusions and consuming the most degenerative media. all for some momentary and ephemeral pleasure which i constantly need to chase

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Recovery is so hard bc it's trial and error. The fact, that if MH issues are based on genetic defects that can't be fixed makes it even more difficult if genetic defects are a reason for MH issues. It's a trial and error task in any case and you have to start with the willpower to give it a try - that's often such a difficult task.

i know that nothing will come if i don't put in effort.

It's like the hen and egg problem - I can relate to this so much. We may not be in the same situation but as long as we don't give it a try and start from 0 again with the obvious risk that a recovery-attempt may fail we won't go anywhere.

 

[jamie_]

because the idea that people can change is flawed, sadly

 

[pyx]

Recovery is so hard bc it's trial and error. The fact, that if MH issues are based on genetic defects that can't be fixed makes it even more difficult if genetic defects are a reason for MH issues. It's a trial and error task in any case and you have to start with the willpower to give it a try - that's often such a difficult task.


It's like the hen and egg problem - I can relate to this so much. We may not be in the same situation but as long as we don't give it a try and start from 0 again with the obvious risk that a recovery-attempt may fail we won't go anywhere.

it's almost as if, deep down, i want to change. but every other part of me disagrees. there's no urgency to improve, no violence. this was what happened to me in highschool as well, and caused me all forms of misery to compound until eventually i lashed out, retreating into my room for years upon years. back then, i didn't care about my future. i still don't. the residual damage from that time perhaps still inflicts me

 

[ClownCringe]

because the idea that people can change is flawed, sadly

Exactly. Humans are creatures of adaptational patterns, our nervous system develops a loop which we replay and continuously project onto our environment.

Most of our neuroplasticity is worn out by age 7-10, and for those of us who grew up in hostile traumatic environments, key areas of function end up being limited permanently leading to maladaptive defense mechanisms which develop into cluster B disorders and organizations.

Change isn't as simple as deciding to be different, it's a long process that begins with self acceptance.

 

[AvaCutey]

What helps me is breaking things into smaller steps, even getting out of bed has more than one step; you sit up first. If no one will reward the small successes, you have to reward yourself. At first I felt like it was silly, but I think any progress is good progress.

 

[pyx]

What helps me is breaking things into smaller steps, even getting out of bed has more than one step; you sit up first. If no one will reward the small successes, you have to reward yourself. At first I felt like it was silly, but I think any progress is good progress.

the problem seems to be that i take no pleasure in achieving small steps. they feel meaningless, as if each step i take towards something opens up the threat of regression back into the original state. if it were up to me, i wouldn't leave my bed at all. i force myself, not through any measure of my own willpower, but simply because at a certain point i need to eat, piss, smoke, etc., all in order to minimize my own dissatisfaction

 

[Praestat_Mori]

it's almost as if, deep down, i want to change. but every other part of me disagrees. there's no urgency to improve, no violence. this was what happened to me in highschool as well, and caused me all forms of misery to compound until eventually i lashed out, retreating into my room for years upon years. back then, i didn't care about my future. i still don't. the residual damage from that

it's almost as if, deep down, i want to change. but every other part of me disagrees.

the problem seems to be that i take no pleasure in achieving small steps. they feel meaningless,

Our specific situation is probably very different but ultimately the same considering the result and how we think about it. Especially the last quote that everything (even small achievements) seems to to be meaningless. They are meaningless to me bc after a big failure in life I was there already and only the very big goals - they are now unattainable - remain to be achieved. Idk if that applies to u, too.

 

[AvaCutey]

the problem seems to be that i take no pleasure in achieving small steps. they feel meaningless, as if each step i take towards something opens up the threat of regression back into the original state. if it were up to me, i wouldn't leave my bed at all. i force myself, not through any measure of my own willpower, but simply because at a certain point i need to eat, piss, smoke, etc., all in order to minimize my own dissatisfaction

If you know that how you are now is not how you want to be, they are not meaningless, even if it feels like it at first. The fact that you can realize taking steps forward means you might fail and regress means that those steps have meaning to you. Starting on the path to recovery is unfortunately not pleasurable, but it does mean that for your future self, things will be more tolerable.

 

[ClownCringe]

Identify the origin points and triggers behind the behaviors that don't serve you. Draw up a logical framework and systematically tackle things. You seem to be caught in a shame/denial loop.

Can DM me if you want to go over things I'll offer what insight I can.

 

[pyx]

Identify the origin points and triggers behind the behaviors that don't serve you. Draw up a logical framework and systematically tackle things. You seem to be caught in a shame/denial loop.

Can DM me if you want to go over things I'll offer what insight I can.

in the past i did this, but losing the agency to think has made thinking systematically impossible. adaptability is something which i fundamentally lack, and i would like at some point to be able to think clearly again without needing to rely on stimulants for momentary clarity, which only affords me more comfort in devouring any form of media which requires even a little cognitive labor. i feel uncomfortable drawing up frameworks, since i require an external reference to develop healthy habits, and i am currently in a position where i can easily be coerced/manipulated by others. but maybe that is just my paranoia

Our specific situation is probably very different but ultimately the same considering the result and how we think about it. Especially the last quote that everything (even small achievements) seems to to be meaningless. They are meaningless to me bc after a big failure in life I was there already and only the very big goals - they are now unattainable - remain to be achieved. Idk if that applies to u, too.

for me, i have no desires outside of getting out of bed in the morning. i used to have dreams, but quickly found that i'm not in the capacity to plan ahead: they are mere fantasies for me

If you know that how you are now is not how you want to be, they are not meaningless, even if it feels like it at first. The fact that you can realize taking steps forward means you might fail and regress means that those steps have meaning to you. Starting on the path to recovery is unfortunately not pleasurable, but it does mean that for your future self, things will be more tolerable.

i suppose i'm just buying time at the present, procrastinating on my efforts hoping that at some point i will inevitably traipse the path of reintegration again. but as of now i can't muster up the energy to begin

 

[Leiot]

I can't trust my feelings when I'm down. They lie to me every time. I have to fall back to just cold logic. "I said last week I want to get better so I need to get up out of bed now" kinds of things.

@AvaCutey mentioned how she takes it one step at a time. That's a great way to do it. If you can't feel anything from doing it, that's fine. Just consider it a little box you were able to check off. Nothing big.

 

[SketchTurner]

As someone who spends large amounts of time in a barely functioning depression separated by brief mood swings in to a functioning mind with low mood, the mind can just turn off your ability to do things.
I get functioning periods where all the techniques, theories, and so on work. Periods where I feel like I'm pulling myself up, I'm dragging myself up to do things, and it feels "hard" but it's actually doing something and working.
And then, then it just collapses, the same thoughts don't do the same things, thoughts don't connect to actions, the concepts don't go anywhere, concepts stop making sense, I can't remember anything even if I wrote it down myself the day before. The systems, notes, reminders that worked before are no longer anything.
Recovery and the general cause&effect narratives of what work are only applicable to a certain window of experience, the cruelty being there's no argument or anything to identify it and you only have your experience of the trial and error as mentioned.
All this is to say, don't give up, but know that there is an experience where things do not work and not to blame yourself too much.

 

[pyx]

As someone who spends large amounts of time in a barely functioning depression separated by brief mood swings in to a functioning mind with low mood, the mind can just turn off your ability to do things.
I get functioning periods where all the techniques, theories, and so on work. Periods where I feel like I'm pulling myself up, I'm dragging myself up to do things, and it feels "hard" but it's actually doing something and working.
And then, then it just collapses, the same thoughts don't do the same things, thoughts don't connect to actions, the concepts don't go anywhere, concepts stop making sense, I can't remember anything even if I wrote it down myself the day before. The systems, notes, reminders that worked before are no longer anything.
Recovery and the general cause&effect narratives of what work are only applicable to a certain window of experience, the cruelty being there's no argument or anything to identify it and you only have your experience of the trial and error as mentioned.
All this is to say, don't give up, but know that there is an experience where things do not work and not to blame yourself too much.

i relate to this a lot actually. this describes my mind almost to a T