Venting why is life so hard?

[egobaby]

**TW MILD MENTION OF S/A AND DRUG USE** hey everyone, i havent been on this site in awhile but some baaaad shit has happened within the past couple months so ive decided to come back. short story i was addicted to coke and xans for about a year and was able to be clean for 4 months then i dont know what happened. i invited a friend over to my house then got back on coke and that lead me to get back on xans. its been 2 months now its at the point where im doing 2gs or more of coke a night. a few weeks ago i had a failed attempt which was a result of a stupid bender i went on. i even texted my boss and quit my job because of it.i dont remember much other than people just kept feeding me more and more pills and i was constantly blacking out. i remember some guy my friend invited over violated me horribly. i remember him forcing my body down and telling me to "stop fucking moving bitch" im just so tired of this constant cycle. my wallets empty, my fridge and pantry is empty, my mind and heart is empty.. ive lost so much weight im down to 94 pounds just the thought of food makes me want to throw up ive tried to eat but its so hard i take a couple little bites of a snack and im done. as a result of my attempt i was perscribed lexapro but it doesnt really help shit. today i found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, my own mother loves her boyfriend more than me and chose him over me, i know my father is tired of me and annoyed at the fact i still live with him, i have no friends irl, im never going to be anything in life but a junkie like everyone tells me. im just so tired of everything its just all too much. im dead broke and its gotten to the point where ive been taking a shit ton of adderall for the past 3 days because i have no coke. my dealer offered me a few gs in exchange for sex, i didnt do it but i was seriously debating on doing it and thats what made me realize, wtf am i doing with my life?? i just want to break this cycle but i cant seem to do it. also if anyone has any tips on getting sober off of coke and xans i will be forever greatful.

-swoulz

 

[cosmic-freedom]

I am so sorry that this is happening to you.I don't think anyone gets into things like addiction ,unless there is significant trauma behind it.I think analyzing why you do the things you do, might help.It'll help you get to the root of it.That's what I think atleast.

I don't know if this will help.But there are so many things you can do.You're free to choose a life of your own,the kind of life you want.The power of choice is often underestimated and is often rare to come by.Please believe in yourself.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

I'm so sorry to hear this... I can't do much but I send you my wishes.