I have always had to deal with pain in my life. I knew life was like this as a young teenager. My mom was aterrible mom. She told me once her life was hard because of me. She said this to her 13 year old son. I from that point forward blamed myself for her decision to have me as the issue with her life. In reality that was not true. I internalized it non the less. She stole my college grant money when I was trying to get a degree in my mid 20s. I got clean off drugs in my early 20s and was looking for a job. I found a pizza delivery job and just needed to use her car to well deliver pizzas. It was all good till I went to the interview as I am walking out the door she told me I can not use her car anymore after she told me I could. I went to job core some time between 18 and 21 years old and before I got on the bus to leave for the facility her exact words to me were if you fuck this up do not come home. I did not even live with her I lived with my grandparents. An now since my wife left me she will call me and say I was talking to your wife. She says her name but I would rather not say my wifes name here. When i was a teenager she got me a truck. I left to go live with my dad for a little while when i got back she sold my truck because i left to go live with him. Through my entire life my mom has dug me in to a hole then when i have finally got my self back out of the hole she would take credit for me bettering myself. She use to tell me when I was 13 or 14 if I do not get my shit together I would have no where to live. I did not even live with her I lived with my grandparents. Even as I write this I realize how much she has ruined my life. To this day. I have always had this saying about my mom. I think she has hit the limit of what I believe she is capable of. Then she sets the limits a little bit higher. It is such a frustrating thing. There is so much more that she has done to me so much more. It all ways seemed like when I would start moving in a good direction she would sabotage me for what ever reason. If I even decided to put my plan in action to ctb my note to my mom will blame her. I will tell her she is responsible for the death of me. The action will be my own but the reasons I decided to do it would be her. I remember thinking as a teenager when my friends mom showed them love as a weird thing like your mom loves you?? Now I have my own kids and I tell them I love them when ever I can give them hugs and tell them how smart and handsome they are. Those two boys are why I think I have not ctb. I am rambling now. I just want a hug now after I wrote this. It is something my wife use to do and now that she is gone I am alone again and I am depressed and sad. If it was not for my two boys I would be dead already. I have told my mom how much of a shit mom she is. She use to run around saying how she was this great mom to family and family friends. Anyone who knows her and me knows the truth. So one say I told her to quit telling people she is a good mom because It makes her look stupid.... venting over. If you read this hole thing thank you.
I know that there are some good mothers in this world, but there are also many who are toxic and bent on destroying their own children. So I hear you. Mine was 100% toxic, cruel and a true narcissist. I seemed to understand when I was very young that I would have to get away from her. It took until I was in my 30's and finally found a competent therapist that I cut all ties and at that point began to heal as much as possible. And she fooled a lot of people into thinking her and my problems were all my fault. It was amazing that no one ever questioned her or held her accountable. When I was 13 and high on pot I asked her why she had children. She looked at me for a minute then said, well that is just what women do. No attempt to express, even falsely, that there was some type of love involved. So hang in there and know that change/healing is possible. Not easy, but possible. And, no, it is not okay for them to be destructive towards their children, regardless of what type of excuse they have for it.
