Venting Why is it so hard to let go?

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

It's been two weeks since I've bought my SN. I cry my eyes out almost every day. And every day I feel like I'm ready. But as soon as it gets close to the time I have to take SN, I'm starting to feel scared fuck knows why...... I know there's no future for me, I know there's no way out. What the hell am I afraid of then?.....
I can't be as pathetic as I am anymore........
So why is it so hard to let go of this meaningless life????

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I don't have my SN yet but I sense I'm gonna have this problem... I also don't understand why I want to die so bad yet the idea of ctb is very scary for me, I guess it's just the SI, logic can't beat what are brains are programmed to do (try to survive) I guess... and also I guess fear of the unknown may make the SI stronger

 

[WornOutLife]

Just as @killedbypsychiatry said, it's all due to the SI and also, for some people, because of the fear of the afterlife.

Last year, when I tried to ctb, I managed to supress my SI by drinking lots of booze and taking many sleeping pills and anti-depressants.

Sadly, I failed.

 

[Toptock]

I believe its also, meaning in addition to SI, a sense of finality. Like how one has a hard time pulling the trigger on a major decision, we have to deal with the irreversible outcome.

I hope that when you do find the strength to do this, you can find comfort and peace.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I don't have my SN yet but I sense I'm gonna have this problem... I also don't understand why I want to die so bad yet the idea of ctb is very scary for me, I guess it's just the SI, logic can't beat what are brains are programmed to do (try to survive) I guess... and also I guess fear of the unknown may make the SI stronger

It even took me some time to order SN. I couldn't even order it.
I wish there was someone there for me in my last moments. To hold me I guess or something

Just as @killedbypsychiatry said, it's all due to the SI and also, for some people, because of the fear of the afterlife.

Last year, when I tried to ctb, I managed to supress my SI by drinking lots of booze and taking many sleeping pills and anti-depressants.

Sadly, I failed.

No access to antidepressants or good sleeping pills. Don't drink whatsoever.... Probably won't tolerate alcohol. I wouldn't mind smoking something good. It could help. Also not available

I believe its also, meaning in addition to SI, a sense of finality. Like how one has a hard time pulling the trigger on a major decision, we have to deal with the irreversible outcome.

I hope that when you do find the strength to do this, you can find comfort and peace.

Thank you. I hope so too.

I also don't want my mom to do anything to herself. And she will. I know her. But sometimes it hurts so much that I don't even care if my death will cause pain to people

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I wish there was someone there for me in my last moments. To hold me I guess or something

same, I wish my loved ones would accept my decision and be there for me in my final moments, would make things so much easier and decrease my suffering

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

same, I wish my loved ones would accept my decision and be there for me in my final moments, would make things so much easier and decrease my suffering

I'd prefer it to be a stranger for some reason....

 

[End Game]

I feel you brother, I went through the same feelings when I tried to take my SN a few weeks ago...obviously I didn't do it. I also felt extremely alone when I drove to a secluded place to take it, I think ideally it would be with a partner to support each other. Seems like it would be easier to do it in my own room, but that wasn't an option as I couldn't be alone. I am working on a solution to my mental problems right now, so not actively looking for a partner. It may also mean you just are not ready yet, it is a lot for your mind to process. I am keeping my bottle as a security blanket for now, I figure it is always there for me and I can take my time trying to figure out my life and a solution to my depression/anxiety. Wishing you peace, whatever you choose to do.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I feel you brother, I went through the same feelings when I tried to take my SN a few weeks ago...obviously I didn't do it. I also felt extremely alone when I drove to a secluded place to take it, I think ideally it would be with a partner to support each other. Seems like it would be easier to do it in my own room, but that wasn't an option as I couldn't be alone. I am working on a solution to my mental problems right now, so not actively looking for a partner. It may also mean you just are not ready yet, it is a lot for your mind to process. I am keeping my bottle as a security blanket for now, I figure it is always there for me and I can take my time trying to figure out my life and a solution to my depression/anxiety. Wishing you peace, whatever you choose to do.

Thank you. And I wish you to figure out your problems, at least partly, so you wouldn't have to ever end your life.

 

[Kvotheloner]

Hell yeah shit is scary and exhausting to think about all the time. I often feel like im going to end up laying down somewhere and just go from dehydration/starvation while I zone out

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

And the hardest part is that sometimes people try to understand and to help, but in reality no one is there for you and you can't be 100% open and honest about what you're going through. You're always feeling alone, even being surrounded by many peoples

 

[Lost Magic]

It is never easy to end human existence. We are programmed to survive despite the overwhelming odds against us. I have had Sodium Nitrite (gonna do a blood test with it soon to test for purity) for ages now. I felt so tearful and amazing when I first got it but now it just sits in the cupboard teasing me. Oh well, at least I know it is there and that is hugely comforting.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

It is never easy to end human existence. We are programmed to survive despite the overwhelming odds against us. I have had Sodium Nitrite (gonna do a blood test with it soon to test for purity) for ages now. I felt so tearful and amazing when I first got it but now it just sits in the cupboard teasing me. Oh well, at least I know it is there and that is hugely comforting.

You do know it has an expiration date, don't you?

 

[Lost Magic]

You do know it has an expiration date, don't you?

I have had it a year. Dr Philip Nitschke said it will last a good 10 years so long as it isn't exposed to air for too long. Mines is in a silver vacuum sealed bag but I am going to do a blood test with it soon, reseal it and put it in an airtight container.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I have had it a year. Dr Philip Nitschke said it will last a good 10 years so long as it isn't exposed to air for too long. Mines is in a silver vacuum sealed bag but I am going to do a blood test with it soon, reseal it and put it in an airtight container.

Okay.
As long as you know what you're doing.
I don't wanna risk it though ;)

 

[Lost Magic]

Okay.
As long as you know what you're doing.
I don't wanna risk it though ;)

Yeah, I understand what you are saying but seriously that salt is good for a long time if kept in the right conditions. Still, a blood and/or aquarium test kit is worthwhile to test the products purity.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Yeah, I understand what you are saying but seriously that salt is good for a long time if kept in the right conditions. Still, a blood and/or aquarium test kit is worthwhile to test the products purity.

I guess you're right.
But this testing sounds like too much work . And it's not like I wanna ctb bc I'm such a hard-working person
And when there's really no point in delaying, then why delay, you know?

 

[GarageKarate07]

It's been two weeks since I've bought my SN. I cry my eyes out almost every day. And every day I feel like I'm ready. But as soon as it gets close to the time I have to take SN, I'm starting to feel scared fuck knows why...... I know there's no future for me, I know there's no way out. What the hell am I afraid of then?.....
I can't be as pathetic as I am anymore........
So why is it so hard to let go of this meaningless life????

It's the fear of the unknown. It's also maybe that we know why we are here and we know what is on the other side. Many of us have our method ready to go but we are still here. It can seem like there are no more "connections" for us anymore so why stay? Some of us have had our method for years yet we still "cling" to this strange world and hard life. The heartache and problems seem like they can't be faced and at the same time they make us feel "alive".

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

It's the fear of the unknown. It's also maybe that we know why we are here and we know what is on the other side. Many of us have our method ready to go but we are still here. It can seem like there are no more "connections" for us anymore so why stay? Some of us have had our method for years yet we still "cling" to this strange world and hard life. The heartache and problems seem like they can't be faced and at the same time they make us feel "alive".

I'm really hoping to learn soon how to stop clinging to whatever life I have!!! But you're absolutely right. The unknown is pretty scary. At least we know this life, no matter how horrible it is

 

[GarageKarate07]

I guess you're right.
But this testing sounds like too much work . And it's not like I wanna ctb bc I'm such a hard-working person
And when there's really no point in delaying, then why delay, you know?

Why do you feel like you want to go?

 

[Luna88]

Es ist zwei Wochen her, seit ich meine SN gekauft habe. Ich weine fast jeden Tag meine Augen aus. Und jeden Tag fühle ich mich bereit. Aber sobald es kurz vor der Zeit ist, in der ich SN einnehmen muss, fange ich an, Angst zu haben, verdammt noch mal, weiß warum ... Ich weiß, dass es keine Zukunft für mich gibt, ich weiß, dass es keinen Ausweg gibt. Wovor zum Teufel habe ich dann Angst? .....
Ich kann nicht mehr so erbärmlich sein wie ich ........
Warum ist es so schwer, dieses bedeutungslose Leben loszulassen?

It's been two weeks since I've bought my SN. I cry my eyes out almost every day. And every day I feel like I'm ready. But as soon as it gets close to the time I have to take SN, I'm starting to feel scared fuck knows why...... I know there's no future for me, I know there's no way out. What the hell am I afraid of then?.....
I can't be as pathetic as I am anymore........
So why is it so hard to let go of this meaningless life????

I feel exactly the same as you. As if I wrote it. I ordered xanax today and hope that I can suppress this panic and fear shortly before it. Otherwise I don't know what to do next. It's so lonely

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Why do you feel like you want to go?

I guess like many of us here. Hate myself, hate my life, can't see any decent future for myself,

I feel exactly the same as you. As if I wrote it. I ordered xanax today and hope that I can suppress this panic and fear shortly before it. Otherwise I don't know what to do next. It's so lonely

I'm sorry to hear that. It's indeed so very lonely

 

[GarageKarate07]

I guess you're right.
But this testing sounds like too much work . And it's not like I wanna ctb bc I'm such a hard-working person
And when there's really no point in delaying, then why delay, you know?

Why do you feel like you want to go?

I guess like many of us here. Hate myself, hate my life, can't see any decent future for myself,

I'm sorry to hear that. It's indeed so very lonely

I get that. I think most of us feel this way. It's exhausting. It's also confusing and it hurts.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Why do you feel like you want to go?

I get that. I think most of us feel this way. It's exhausting. It's also confusing and it hurts.

Exactly. Confusing, exhausting and just endless

 

[2CTBorNOCTB]

It is never easy to end human existence. We are programmed to survive despite the overwhelming odds against us. I have had Sodium Nitrite (gonna do a blood test with it soon to test for purity) for ages now. I felt so tearful and amazing when I first got it but now it just sits in the cupboard teasing me. Oh well, at least I know it is there and that is hugely comforting.

I'm supposed to get mine tomorrow. I'm kinda supposed to CTB next week but I wonder what'll happen....
For now however, I agree. It's a comfort.

 

[Lost Magic]

I guess you're right.
But this testing sounds like too much work . And it's not like I wanna ctb bc I'm such a hard-working person
And when there's really no point in delaying, then why delay, you know?

haha I mean if you call pricking your thumb (you can use numbing cream) for some blood and

I'm supposed to get mine tomorrow. I'm kinda supposed to CTB next week but I wonder what'll happen....
For now however, I agree. It's a comfort.

Yep, it is comforting. There is still part of me that is stupidly clinging onto life, but eventually that part of me will die too. I find everything exhausting.

 

[LastDayz001]

Why do you want to ctb?