Hi Everyone. I'm new here and after reading quite a few threads, thought I would introduce myself.
I've been looking for this place since reading about the death of someone linked to the site. As some have touched on already, it's kind of ironic that the way I was finally able to find this community and therefore the method, was by following clues in Tantacrul's video (which I found after the BBC story). I was initially of a negative opinion (from Tantacrul), but I have to say I think media depictions of it are generally unfair and derived from moral panic rather than trying to get a true picture of it. It's really wonderful to see so many messages of support and I hope to be part of this community.
I've struggled with thoughts of suicide since I was a child, although of course 'thoughts of suicide' is a phrase that I repeat to mental health professionals while cursing myself that it doesn't show even 1% of the true nature and magnitude of this.
My first attempt was at 16 years old and I came quite close to dying. Throughout the next decade, I had frequent episodes of depression. Then, a few years ago I had a severe mental health crisis where I went from my 'normal' of occasional thoughts, to about two years of bombarding pulls to suicide. I say 'pull' because that's how it felt. It was like I was being dragged towards a cliff edge. My suicide felt inevitable. I love my children with all my heart but at the worst points, I couldn't feel connected to them and genuinely believed they would be better without me. I used to search online for stories of people who had lost a parent to suicide. In the beginning, I was looking for 'I was upset but soon moved on and had a happy life' type stories, but then story after story showed me the reality…that my death would traumatise so many, including my children.
I read a story about a man who planned to end his life in a way that no one would be harmed. He couldn't find anywhere, to summarise, and eventually decided that as there was no way he could die and not hurt people (even medical staff, police etc) he'd end the life he was leading instead of life full stop. He totally changed his life. I'm not saying this in some superficial 'pro life' way, just that this man's story inspired me to live.
Anyway, this is all to say, I try to live but at times like these when my mood dips, it scares me. Suicide seemed to weave its way into my mind at a young age and frankly, this site scares me because I now know about SN and have easier routes to death than before. If I'd had access to a site like this at 16, I'd definitely be dead.
For what it's worth, I think this community is important and that regulators shouldn't shut it down. For one, it'll only lead to a cat and mouse game. Secondly, being able to speak about suicide openly is so important and yet the general public, mental health services and the like just don't do it well. I don't feel comfortable with talk about methods, but then I don't want people disabled and chronically ill by attempts that go wrong. What I would hope is that people will find reasons on this site and in the bigger world to live. When I am at my worst (in pain) I tell myself my only job that day is to stay alive. I don't have to clean, or brush my teeth or smile or be nice…I just have to live.
I would advocate for the site not being public access. As I said, if I found this site as a teenager, I would be dead. Making it members only might have negatives I haven't thought about, but it would stop children accessing it and people in crisis from finding methods so easily. I don't find it easy, but I try to respect people's wishes who decide to CTB. There's a difference though between acting on impulse (which is more likely with easy access to methods) and making an informed decision after much thought and with a 'cool' mind (I.e. not in the heat of the moment).
My final thought after reading a real-time CTB post is, that's a hell of a lot for you guys to deal with. What are people's thoughts on contagion theory, I.e. that being exposed to this type of thing (an actual death), might increase the hopelessness and inevitability that people feel and therefore increase the likelihood of others following? No one has to answer that of course and I guess I'm just saying I hope you're all doing as well as can be (given your own hardships) after people who have posted here then CTB.
I've been looking for this place since reading about the death of someone linked to the site. As some have touched on already, it's kind of ironic that the way I was finally able to find this community and therefore the method, was by following clues in Tantacrul's video (which I found after the BBC story). I was initially of a negative opinion (from Tantacrul), but I have to say I think media depictions of it are generally unfair and derived from moral panic rather than trying to get a true picture of it. It's really wonderful to see so many messages of support and I hope to be part of this community.
I've struggled with thoughts of suicide since I was a child, although of course 'thoughts of suicide' is a phrase that I repeat to mental health professionals while cursing myself that it doesn't show even 1% of the true nature and magnitude of this.
My first attempt was at 16 years old and I came quite close to dying. Throughout the next decade, I had frequent episodes of depression. Then, a few years ago I had a severe mental health crisis where I went from my 'normal' of occasional thoughts, to about two years of bombarding pulls to suicide. I say 'pull' because that's how it felt. It was like I was being dragged towards a cliff edge. My suicide felt inevitable. I love my children with all my heart but at the worst points, I couldn't feel connected to them and genuinely believed they would be better without me. I used to search online for stories of people who had lost a parent to suicide. In the beginning, I was looking for 'I was upset but soon moved on and had a happy life' type stories, but then story after story showed me the reality…that my death would traumatise so many, including my children.
I read a story about a man who planned to end his life in a way that no one would be harmed. He couldn't find anywhere, to summarise, and eventually decided that as there was no way he could die and not hurt people (even medical staff, police etc) he'd end the life he was leading instead of life full stop. He totally changed his life. I'm not saying this in some superficial 'pro life' way, just that this man's story inspired me to live.
Anyway, this is all to say, I try to live but at times like these when my mood dips, it scares me. Suicide seemed to weave its way into my mind at a young age and frankly, this site scares me because I now know about SN and have easier routes to death than before. If I'd had access to a site like this at 16, I'd definitely be dead.
For what it's worth, I think this community is important and that regulators shouldn't shut it down. For one, it'll only lead to a cat and mouse game. Secondly, being able to speak about suicide openly is so important and yet the general public, mental health services and the like just don't do it well. I don't feel comfortable with talk about methods, but then I don't want people disabled and chronically ill by attempts that go wrong. What I would hope is that people will find reasons on this site and in the bigger world to live. When I am at my worst (in pain) I tell myself my only job that day is to stay alive. I don't have to clean, or brush my teeth or smile or be nice…I just have to live.
I would advocate for the site not being public access. As I said, if I found this site as a teenager, I would be dead. Making it members only might have negatives I haven't thought about, but it would stop children accessing it and people in crisis from finding methods so easily. I don't find it easy, but I try to respect people's wishes who decide to CTB. There's a difference though between acting on impulse (which is more likely with easy access to methods) and making an informed decision after much thought and with a 'cool' mind (I.e. not in the heat of the moment).
My final thought after reading a real-time CTB post is, that's a hell of a lot for you guys to deal with. What are people's thoughts on contagion theory, I.e. that being exposed to this type of thing (an actual death), might increase the hopelessness and inevitability that people feel and therefore increase the likelihood of others following? No one has to answer that of course and I guess I'm just saying I hope you're all doing as well as can be (given your own hardships) after people who have posted here then CTB.
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