Hello. I just wanted to spew out my story here for my own little bit of catharsis. Typing it out on my cell phone. I'm not much with words, it won't be well written. It probably wont be relatable. It will be long. Just need to get something out there.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 10 years now. We started dating at 19 while in college and got married a couple years later. She was and is incredibly loving and supportive, smart and talented. I've always struggled with mild depression and social anxiety (probably slightly autistic). Never saw any doctors or took any meds. I've always been determined to fix myself through diet and lifestyle, or ignore the problem. Even through my darkest days, and times when I've treated her badly and unfairly she has stuck with me, forgiven me and loved me.
Anyway we got married and shortly after bought an old farmhouse on a little chunk of land outside of town. It was paradise for me. I loved having my own quiet bit of solitude away from people, and I loved farming and becoming intimate with nature. We had a dog and barn cats, chickens, goats, geese, and our own dairy cow eventually.
She got pregnant with our first child 4 years ago. I've never wanted children and I was very overwhelmed at first but then I started to love being a father. I couldn't believe how love that little girl, watching her grow up and develop her own personality, there is nothing like a father's true love for his child. I wanted to give her the best life, the healthiest food to eat. Sunshine and animals and friends to play with.
Time went on. Life was busy. I was happy but started to become quite tired physically. I new something wasn't quite right but I wasn't sure what, this was the story of my life though. Around this time our septic system backed up on our basement. We got it drained but as we figured out the problem it backed up occasionally a few more times. I didn't know it then but that was the beginning of my doom. Our basement was mostly concrete and was unfinished. But along the side of the stairs was a cabinet. As it turns out it was also a low spot in the floor and water pooled there. I couldn't really see it but it was starting to grow mold.
My wife got pregnant again at the beginning of 2019. And then from about February until September we got record breaking snow and rain. Our basement flooded in april and basically didnt dry out all summer, dispite the sump pump running constantly. Of course more mold grew. I meant to get to gutting everything out but life was just crazy busy. It kept getting pushed back. I had paternity leave coming up in September so the plan was to get to it then. And over the summer I was experiencing more and more fatigue and brain fog that I couldn't put my finger on.
Anyway my second daughter was born at home in September. The birth went fine, it was a little crazy but over all pretty smooth and quick. I got to hold my newborn daughter that night and it was wonderful. But that one night was really all the time I had to enjoy her before my world went black. The next morning I got up and went out to milk the cow. I felt fine. Still running off of the natural high of having a brand new child that is yours. I came in and made some breakfast. The second I finished eating everything broke, and day turned to night.
It felt like a sudden onset of the stomach flu, but mixed with a pounding heart, chest pain, and extreme anxiety. Nothing like I've ever felt before. I ended up going into the ER thinking that I was having a heart attack. Everything checked out fine and I was sent home. That was 7 months ago. I have never really recovered.
Basically what has happened is I have developed the dreaded ME or myalgic encephalomylitus. It had some similarities with chronic fatigue syndrome, however ME is caused by a virus attacking and damaging the brainstem causing dysfunction of basically every system in the body. You know how to cbt with a gun, it's the brainstem you want to aim for? That's should say something about how important it is. At this point I spend probably 22 to 23 hours a day in bed. I'm unable to care for my children. My mind is effected as well as my body. I have trouble focusing, can't enjoy music movies videogames, I've basically developed major depression in addition to being physically bed bound. I'm also chronically constipated and have insomnia.
To make matter worse, I believe that I'm. Mostly responsible for this tragedy due to my negligence with the mold in my basement. Turns out mold is EXTREMELY toxic and gives off fumes called mycotoxins. These destroy you immune system and weaken your blood brain barrier. It seems like this is what let the virus get out of control and devastate me like it did. It is lucky that my wife and children were not more harmed. However they have been more sick this winter and I believe that it has taken a toll on them as well.
That's not all however. We have had to move off of our farm. For help with the kids as well as getting away from the mold (Even after being cleaned it might not be livable anymore). And we are staying in my parents basement. My wife has lost her job due to the corona virus. My wife knows I'm suicidal because I just about lost it a couple months ago and was planning on shooting myself with a handgun but accidentally misfired it into the wall (No one was home) before I was even ready to kill myself.
It's just too much to take. As awful as it is I feel like death is literally the only was out for me. I have totes full of supplements. We have already spent thousands on treatment for ME and i only continue to decline and get worse. People with severe ME are 100 percent bed bound and generally unable to even tolerate light or noise. They sit in dark rooms alone for years. Not even given the small mercy of a terminal illness, this can go on for decades. It's been called "living death disease" Even now I cannot be around my children for long because of the noise, it becomes extremely painful. Nor can i be on my feet for long. My heart seems to struggle to beat hard enough to circulate my blood. This would all be a little more bearable if it was just random chance but I also have the guilt of knowing that I played a part in this with the mold. I've ruined 4 lives whether I live or die.
All I can think about is death. Nothing brings me joy anymore. At first I wanted to At least be able to wait 18 months so my life insurance would pay out but now I don't know if I can make it. And I'm terrified of declining even more and losing the chance to decide. I already fucked up with the gun, and i know guns and have used them plenty of times on the farm. It's unbelievable. I made everything so much worse. But that's how it is, I am literally losing my mind.
A year ago I would never believed that I would be posting on a forum like this. But I have to say that I'm glad it is here. There are some truly intelligent and compassionate people here. I wish I had found it before firing off that gun.
The thought of the pain that I would put my wife and children through is horrendous. But i feel like my hand is being forced. My Body and mind are shutting down. I feel like some people can take disability with grace and strength, but I'm not one of them. Probably due to my predisposition to depression and autism. And due to my guilt. I just have nothing positive to offer. I just languish and decay. (I have seen couselors and therapists and have tried a number of different antidepressants already, they only make me feel worse)
The cherry on top is that my favorite videogame of all time final fantasy 7, is getting an insane looking remake, I can't even effing enjoy it.
There are more crumby details to the story than that but I will leave it there. Thanks for reading.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 10 years now. We started dating at 19 while in college and got married a couple years later. She was and is incredibly loving and supportive, smart and talented. I've always struggled with mild depression and social anxiety (probably slightly autistic). Never saw any doctors or took any meds. I've always been determined to fix myself through diet and lifestyle, or ignore the problem. Even through my darkest days, and times when I've treated her badly and unfairly she has stuck with me, forgiven me and loved me.
Anyway we got married and shortly after bought an old farmhouse on a little chunk of land outside of town. It was paradise for me. I loved having my own quiet bit of solitude away from people, and I loved farming and becoming intimate with nature. We had a dog and barn cats, chickens, goats, geese, and our own dairy cow eventually.
She got pregnant with our first child 4 years ago. I've never wanted children and I was very overwhelmed at first but then I started to love being a father. I couldn't believe how love that little girl, watching her grow up and develop her own personality, there is nothing like a father's true love for his child. I wanted to give her the best life, the healthiest food to eat. Sunshine and animals and friends to play with.
Time went on. Life was busy. I was happy but started to become quite tired physically. I new something wasn't quite right but I wasn't sure what, this was the story of my life though. Around this time our septic system backed up on our basement. We got it drained but as we figured out the problem it backed up occasionally a few more times. I didn't know it then but that was the beginning of my doom. Our basement was mostly concrete and was unfinished. But along the side of the stairs was a cabinet. As it turns out it was also a low spot in the floor and water pooled there. I couldn't really see it but it was starting to grow mold.
My wife got pregnant again at the beginning of 2019. And then from about February until September we got record breaking snow and rain. Our basement flooded in april and basically didnt dry out all summer, dispite the sump pump running constantly. Of course more mold grew. I meant to get to gutting everything out but life was just crazy busy. It kept getting pushed back. I had paternity leave coming up in September so the plan was to get to it then. And over the summer I was experiencing more and more fatigue and brain fog that I couldn't put my finger on.
Anyway my second daughter was born at home in September. The birth went fine, it was a little crazy but over all pretty smooth and quick. I got to hold my newborn daughter that night and it was wonderful. But that one night was really all the time I had to enjoy her before my world went black. The next morning I got up and went out to milk the cow. I felt fine. Still running off of the natural high of having a brand new child that is yours. I came in and made some breakfast. The second I finished eating everything broke, and day turned to night.
It felt like a sudden onset of the stomach flu, but mixed with a pounding heart, chest pain, and extreme anxiety. Nothing like I've ever felt before. I ended up going into the ER thinking that I was having a heart attack. Everything checked out fine and I was sent home. That was 7 months ago. I have never really recovered.
Basically what has happened is I have developed the dreaded ME or myalgic encephalomylitus. It had some similarities with chronic fatigue syndrome, however ME is caused by a virus attacking and damaging the brainstem causing dysfunction of basically every system in the body. You know how to cbt with a gun, it's the brainstem you want to aim for? That's should say something about how important it is. At this point I spend probably 22 to 23 hours a day in bed. I'm unable to care for my children. My mind is effected as well as my body. I have trouble focusing, can't enjoy music movies videogames, I've basically developed major depression in addition to being physically bed bound. I'm also chronically constipated and have insomnia.
To make matter worse, I believe that I'm. Mostly responsible for this tragedy due to my negligence with the mold in my basement. Turns out mold is EXTREMELY toxic and gives off fumes called mycotoxins. These destroy you immune system and weaken your blood brain barrier. It seems like this is what let the virus get out of control and devastate me like it did. It is lucky that my wife and children were not more harmed. However they have been more sick this winter and I believe that it has taken a toll on them as well.
That's not all however. We have had to move off of our farm. For help with the kids as well as getting away from the mold (Even after being cleaned it might not be livable anymore). And we are staying in my parents basement. My wife has lost her job due to the corona virus. My wife knows I'm suicidal because I just about lost it a couple months ago and was planning on shooting myself with a handgun but accidentally misfired it into the wall (No one was home) before I was even ready to kill myself.
It's just too much to take. As awful as it is I feel like death is literally the only was out for me. I have totes full of supplements. We have already spent thousands on treatment for ME and i only continue to decline and get worse. People with severe ME are 100 percent bed bound and generally unable to even tolerate light or noise. They sit in dark rooms alone for years. Not even given the small mercy of a terminal illness, this can go on for decades. It's been called "living death disease" Even now I cannot be around my children for long because of the noise, it becomes extremely painful. Nor can i be on my feet for long. My heart seems to struggle to beat hard enough to circulate my blood. This would all be a little more bearable if it was just random chance but I also have the guilt of knowing that I played a part in this with the mold. I've ruined 4 lives whether I live or die.
All I can think about is death. Nothing brings me joy anymore. At first I wanted to At least be able to wait 18 months so my life insurance would pay out but now I don't know if I can make it. And I'm terrified of declining even more and losing the chance to decide. I already fucked up with the gun, and i know guns and have used them plenty of times on the farm. It's unbelievable. I made everything so much worse. But that's how it is, I am literally losing my mind.
A year ago I would never believed that I would be posting on a forum like this. But I have to say that I'm glad it is here. There are some truly intelligent and compassionate people here. I wish I had found it before firing off that gun.
The thought of the pain that I would put my wife and children through is horrendous. But i feel like my hand is being forced. My Body and mind are shutting down. I feel like some people can take disability with grace and strength, but I'm not one of them. Probably due to my predisposition to depression and autism. And due to my guilt. I just have nothing positive to offer. I just languish and decay. (I have seen couselors and therapists and have tried a number of different antidepressants already, they only make me feel worse)
The cherry on top is that my favorite videogame of all time final fantasy 7, is getting an insane looking remake, I can't even effing enjoy it.
There are more crumby details to the story than that but I will leave it there. Thanks for reading.
