Discussion Why I’m deciding even though I have hope

[pearlontherange]

So a bit about me I'm in therapy and on anti-depressants and I objectively feel much better after treatment.

Side note: the right combo of meds + a good therapist is godsend for feeling better.

Anyways it's a little contradictory that I still find suicide very appealing, but from a rational perspective I just think to myself "meh why not." My existence is a rollercoaster definite bright spots and dark spots, but I just don't find a rote existence of going to work, sleep, wake up, etc very appealing.

(Also I just find it funny that I'm this collection of molecules deciding "actually I don't like this configuration. Let me change it up by letting the forces of nature take me." )

At the end of the day, even though I don't have my depression goggles on, I still think this is me putting my best foot forward. I don't think it's sad that I'm going to die, it kinda makes me happy knowing that I can fully write how this story ends.

Hope that wasn't too long

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I love this perspective on it, thanks for sharing.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me your feelings really are understandable, personally I don't find existing appealing as well and I'd prefer to not exist. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[ThatGuyOverThere]

I have only ever done taken an anti depressant once, and that's because I was in probably one of the worst states I have ever been in, as a result of me being forced to attend tutoring classes, that I hated beyond belief. My Mother noticed how empty and depressed I looked, so she gave me one of her spare's (not the smartest Idea), it was an interesting experience, I didn't feel happy, it didn't put a smile on my face, but It did dull my sadness, It made me a robot in a way. I didn't like that I had no control over myself, I felt like I was on autopilot, I Like to think in my spare time, but instead I just sat on my bed staring at a wall, with out thinking, just empty.

I have never wanted to touch them ever since, maybe it was the strength of them, but still, never again.

 

[pearlontherange]

I have only ever done taken an anti depressant once, and that's because I was in probably one of the worst states I have ever been in, as a result of me being forced to attend tutoring classes, that I hated beyond belief. My Mother noticed how empty and depressed I looked, so she gave me one of her spare's (not the smartest Idea), it was an interesting experience, I didn't feel happy, it didn't put a smile on my face, but It did dull my sadness, It made me a robot in a way. I didn't like that I had no control over myself, I felt like I was on autopilot, I Like to think in my spare time, but instead I just sat on my bed staring at a wall, with out thinking, just empty.

I have never wanted to touch them ever since, maybe it was the strength of them, but still, never again.

Thanks for sharing I've actually had a similar experience. I was on lexapro as a teenager and that made me have terrible anxiety and spiral out more. Although it might've been the starting dose too like you said.

 

[davidtorez]

Everything is ultimately pointless no matter how bad or how good life is. This is probably why you feel the way you do , and I understand completely. There are times when I wake up and not that depressed but still think to myself " damn , not another day ahead of the same pointless bullshit " . When my physical pain gets bad the thoughts are 100 times worse, but never having coming into existence would've been best.