WildAtHeart
tired
- Oct 1, 2024
- 98
I find it hard to speak about these things but the anonymity here helps, I have spoken of these things with people in real life such as family, girlfriend and mental health professionals but other than my girlfriend I've never really felt any support on these things. When I was 8 I was touched multiple times by a guy who must have been 16-20, honestly I have no idea of his real age, i wasnf raped but was touched and I feel same every day for it, He showed me gay porn which I feel has fucked my sexuality up, I'm straight for the record but I do get off to gay porn which really confuses me, I'm not bi, I also blame him for my addiction to porn but I can't help but also blame myself for that addiction, i just cant get rid of it. Everyone tells me it wasn't my fault but I feel those are empty words, I could have stepped away, basically was when I was doing swimming lessons, the place has this kind of overlook area and a corridor leading to it. I used to sit there as a kid doing fuck knows to be honest I can't remember but he would come there and touch me. The worst past it I would always be there even after the first times, I never stopped going there/ told anyone, everyone tells me don't blame myself but I feel to blame a lot, the police have been involved but nothing came from it, don't want to sound like an incel but I do feel like because I'm male many of the people involved have kind have brushed it to the side, I just feel very guilty even though i "shouldn't do". Past that my family is very dysfunctional, depression has always been in my family, my brother is only 14 but he's sold and done drugs and is very violent even at a young age like 6 he would smash holes in walls in temper tantrums, he still does but now he's turned to physical assault to my parents who I still live with, I try to stay away from it as much as I can but it's hard yk, we have the police here maybe every other week and he's been arrested before for thag which I what my parents wanted for him. Property damage, assault and resisting is what he's been charged with I believe. I say believe because my parents don't tell me much, I'm often at my girlfriends as they want me to be away from what happens in the house as they are scared I'll break and kill myself, I'm very impulsive. In the past I've tried to kill myself twice, been in hospital before yk. He's not a bad kid I get along with him but he's also hell on earth at the same time. Ik this point on my brother isn't as significant and is kind of petty for letting it get to me but it does… a lot. I've been getting into drinking over the last few years more and more, not on an alcoholic level but enough that I find it Hard to walk away from a drink or when I drink I can't stop unless I finish every drink I can. I find it very hard to walk away from the shop when in town without buying enough to make me drunk, again I'm not an alcoholic but I feel my drinking habits are getting progressively worse. I have a lot of self doubt abour myself, I view my self worth as minimal. I understand I will never amount to anything. It's shit yes but that's just life to me, I feel like I'm constantly being one upped by those around me, it's petty again but it hurts to feel second class to those with much more value in life than me with their talents and general prospects for the future, I won't amount to much if anything. I used to heavily self harm, on a positive note not nearly as much as I used to considering it used to be every day and my arms are completely fucked but on a negative I feel I'm slowly falling back into those habits, I for a while was relatively stable but now the last few months it Has all gone down hill again and I feel even worse than I used to. Thoughts of suicide fill my mind every day and it's exhausting. This is again Petty but my sleep is getting worse, I sleep on average 2 am but now it's turning Into 4am wake up at 7am, every day feels like a dream because of this. Back to my relationship with my parents, I love them and they love me I'm sure but when they bought me up they were quite heavy handed hitting me and used to verbally abuse???? Me ??? Maybe verbally abuse me idk but used to make me feel worthless as punishment. I know they love me truly and I love them but it still hurts every day. I suffer from depression and have for years, done mental health care and medication but it's all moved it to the back to my head I've realised and now it's all coming forward again.
I've always been quite an emotional person and I admit that, but life it getting too hard, my girlfriend is fhe only good listener I have but a lot of the time I find it embarrassing to speak about those things, it's all ripping me up from the inside.
I know many of these are quite small issues and a lot of "issues" are probably non issues but shit, life is shit and I just need to write this stuff down.
I've always been quite an emotional person and I admit that, but life it getting too hard, my girlfriend is fhe only good listener I have but a lot of the time I find it embarrassing to speak about those things, it's all ripping me up from the inside.
I know many of these are quite small issues and a lot of "issues" are probably non issues but shit, life is shit and I just need to write this stuff down.
much love
