I know that if my partner saw this he would roll his eyes and go "see ------, this is what all of your problems are. Making everything about yourself."
And he's right. I'm not a good person. And I know it. I have been in therapy for a very long time and currently I'm in DBT therapy twice a week. I completed trauma therapy and did a lot of emdr. I was even in an outpatient psych program for 3 months a few years ago. The thing is, I have tried really hard to be a good person. But I'm not. And I really hate myself for it. I'm not a good mother. I'm not a good friend. I'm not a good daughter. My partner has given me an ultimatum that I need to get on antipsychotics and mood stabilizers in addition to the antidepressants I'm on or he's going to leave me. Both of my kids are already in the criminal system, and they are only preteens. I just really feel like all I do is hurt people in the world would be a better place without me. I'm trying to figure out a way that I can catch the bus without it being readily apparent that that's what happened. Like try to blame it on an accident or something. Anyway. I just needed to vent. Because, of course I did, because I'm a self-absorbed idiot lol. But I feel like this is the place where I am actually safe to say these things that I just roll around in my head all day. And that feels really nice. To get all this out of my head and into words. It's like my brain is taking a big sigh
And he's right. I'm not a good person. And I know it. I have been in therapy for a very long time and currently I'm in DBT therapy twice a week. I completed trauma therapy and did a lot of emdr. I was even in an outpatient psych program for 3 months a few years ago. The thing is, I have tried really hard to be a good person. But I'm not. And I really hate myself for it. I'm not a good mother. I'm not a good friend. I'm not a good daughter. My partner has given me an ultimatum that I need to get on antipsychotics and mood stabilizers in addition to the antidepressants I'm on or he's going to leave me. Both of my kids are already in the criminal system, and they are only preteens. I just really feel like all I do is hurt people in the world would be a better place without me. I'm trying to figure out a way that I can catch the bus without it being readily apparent that that's what happened. Like try to blame it on an accident or something. Anyway. I just needed to vent. Because, of course I did, because I'm a self-absorbed idiot lol. But I feel like this is the place where I am actually safe to say these things that I just roll around in my head all day. And that feels really nice. To get all this out of my head and into words. It's like my brain is taking a big sigh
