Why I want to commit suicide . Sorry I have flipped and want to pour my mind

[Now_And_Then]

This is going to be a quick and not detailed reason why

As a kid I got messed up mentally to the point of being a mental leper . I have never taken drugs , never smoked or done any sexual offense . I have never been violent and have never murdered any one . I always held this innocence in me and yearned for an innocent world

But growing up , I wasn't quite able to get a fixed sort of hobby or choose a career when becoming an adult . I always had and still have weird habits and I developed a fucking O C D that is both aggravating and makes my every day life un-bearable

I have had these dad , sinister feeling and horrible dreams every night near enough since at least the late 90's

For those reasons I have hardly had girl friends . In my 30's now and I have given up on the idea , I just want out

The Isle of Wight is my escape route I think and my saviour from this world

I just want out , desperately . I don't want to catch attention , I don't want people's sympathy , I couldn't care less if people piss all over my grave or forget me instantly . I just want to get out of here

 

[Arbie]

Sorry your struggling so badly, where is the Isle of Wight?
Can't forget you now, so that's out the window...your here now and people care what you have to say.
Wait 24 hours before you take a swim?

 

[cryptic_cynic]

I have OCD as well, and it really hurts my quality of life. The general public thinks it's a joke, but it's really horrible to live with, as I have for half my life.
I take fucking forever to do everything, even the dumbest most mundane shit. And it's humiliating when people notice me going through rituals and look at me like I'm fucking insane or a meth head...

 

[Arbie]

I only have minor OCD, nothing that draws attention.
It's hard to get rid of the internal voice we all have;
Your stupid; you can't even do the simplest thing you idiot; everyone thinks your weird.
I have moderate agoraphobia that paralyzes me some days... social phobia on steroids, just can't open the front door when it happens.

 

[sunny.sativa]

This... could possibly be deemed as the dumbest question to ask you, but have you tried meds? Therapy..?

A damn journal... marijuana, maybe. I don't know, sometimes shit's worth a shot. What's to lose?

 

[Pistolero114]

I have OCD as well, and it really hurts my quality of life. The general public thinks it's a joke, but it's really horrible to live with, as I have for half my life.
I take fucking forever to do everything, even the dumbest most mundane shit. And it's humiliating when people notice me going through rituals and look at me like I'm fucking insane or a meth head...

You sound more like a lead guitarist. Which I am. And repetitive "ritual" to us sounds more like a 1959 Gibson Les Paul cranked through a 1965 Fender Twin Reverb. You play an instrument? My guitars are one of the major reasons I am still here.

 

[Now_And_Then]

This... could possibly be deemed as the dumbest question to ask you, but have you tried meds? Therapy..?

A damn journal... marijuana, maybe. I don't know, sometimes shit's worth a shot. What's to lose?

I have tried some medication before and also some type of counselling , it doesn't do any thing

My problem is specific and severe

And how I am so glad that I am on a forum where I can freely say that the only way out for me is suicide and not get judges and scolded for it

Yes I do feel for my family a bit , but what can I do ?


This isn't some thing I have any chance of rectifying as it is way too strong and there isn't any thing here for me worth trying to fight it for

My family are half arsed any way

 

[Now_And_Then]

I have OCD as well, and it really hurts my quality of life. The general public thinks it's a joke, but it's really horrible to live with, as I have for half my life.
I take fucking forever to do everything, even the dumbest most mundane shit. And it's humiliating when people notice me going through rituals and look at me like I'm fucking insane or a meth head...

Do you do rituals to get nasty and horrible thoughts out of your head , like me ? Or are they just thought less repetitive rituals where you have to wash your hands so many times , et c ?

 

[sunny.sativa]

I have tried some medication before and also some type of counselling , it doesn't do any thing

My problem is specific and severe

And how I am so glad that I am on a forum where I can freely say that the only way out for me is suicide and not get judges and scolded for it

Yes I do feel for my family a bit , but what can I do ?


This isn't some thing I have any chance of rectifying as it is way too strong and there isn't any thing here for me worth trying to fight it for

My family are half arsed any way

I understand you, I've experienced the feeling. I'm very upset that life has brought you in this direction.

I have to say, though.. call me selfish, but I genuinely hope you find something that inspires you. Surfing, if you're near the shore. Pottery? Have you tried a pottery wheel? Nothing to save a life, but why not try it if you're gonna die, anyways?

Have some fun before you go. Read a new book, if you're into that. If you'd like someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to shoot me a message. I do care.

 

[Now_And_Then]

I understand you, I've experienced the feeling. I'm very upset that life has brought you in this direction.

I have to say, though.. call me selfish, but I genuinely hope you find something that inspires you. Surfing, if you're near the shore. Pottery? Have you tried a pottery wheel? Nothing to save a life, but why not try it if you're gonna die, anyways?

Have some fun before you go. Read a new book, if you're into that. If you'd like someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to shoot me a message. I do care.

Thank you

I go to the Isle of Wight regularly and that is where I plan to catch the bus

There are plenty of water spots to do so

I did have a computer and played Planet Coaster a lot , but because of my O C D , I couldn't enjoy it properly and it became torture to even place a tree or scenery item . It became torture to even watch a movie or read a book . So I sold my computer

I try to listen to music now , but this week that has been difficult as I have an ear infection in both ears and I can't hear a thing on my head phones

So I am alone and waiting for the crunch

I have no choice but to do this

Thank you for the offer to message you , I may do that