a_carbon_based_life
I deserve peace
- Aug 16, 2023
- 43
Tw: SA, physical violence
I feel like there's some quality about me that everyone other than me can see that makes me undeserving of being treated with any amount of respect, that makes me deserving if any bad that comes my way. It started in like 2020 after I had a mental breakdown that rendered me unable to take care of myself for over a year. I Remember BEGGING all my teachers, all my friends, my extended family, the school counselors, school psychologist, anyone who would listen for, help and being ignored by everyone. My parents just didn't notice, I found out my best friend would lie and say she needed a break from talking to people in general whenever I really needed someone and then would only come back once she thought it had blown over, my family told me that I'd grow out of it, that my parents couldn't be as abusive as I said they are and that I should be grateful for them, all my other "friends" ignored my obvious cries for help. I remember showing up to my counselor's and school psychologist's office actively sobbing (before quarantine) telling them that I couldn't take it anymore, that I had been beaten by multiple of my past teachers and had felt physically sick being in any school building since, begging for help, begging for some sort of program to get me out faster or for kids who need extra help just to be lied to and told there were none by the people who ran them. The few times I brought myself to go outside during that time (near the end of quarantine) I'd have complete strangers pushing me and bumping into me while screaming " you have to stay 6 feet away for social distance" while the people around them laughed. I started going outside more consistently at the beginning of this year and met someone who I thought genuinly liked me only to later figure out that she love bombed me, repeatedly SA'd me and then was suddenly too busy to so much as text after I set a boundary and didn't let her push past it. She stopped texting around the same time I found out my best friend had been repeatedlt abandoning me. I still feel as though I lost what little love I had found in life that week. I remember texting 8 different people that I was scared and didn't want to be alone, that I could feel myself spiralling, and getting no response back. Out of desperation I contacted an "ex" (it was never romantic) who started sexualizing the fact that I was suicidal and ignoring my pain to try and convince me to suck him off. I don't know what I did to deserve that, to be ignored and left by everyone I cared about, to have the only person willing to pay attention to me when I was so distraught be someone who just wanted to use me. I feel like after being bullied and ignored and abused and gaslit my entire life with little to no empathy it's hard to be live I don't deserve it. It's hard to believe that I'm not doing everyone a favor by staying in my room
I feel like there's some quality about me that everyone other than me can see that makes me undeserving of being treated with any amount of respect, that makes me deserving if any bad that comes my way. It started in like 2020 after I had a mental breakdown that rendered me unable to take care of myself for over a year. I Remember BEGGING all my teachers, all my friends, my extended family, the school counselors, school psychologist, anyone who would listen for, help and being ignored by everyone. My parents just didn't notice, I found out my best friend would lie and say she needed a break from talking to people in general whenever I really needed someone and then would only come back once she thought it had blown over, my family told me that I'd grow out of it, that my parents couldn't be as abusive as I said they are and that I should be grateful for them, all my other "friends" ignored my obvious cries for help. I remember showing up to my counselor's and school psychologist's office actively sobbing (before quarantine) telling them that I couldn't take it anymore, that I had been beaten by multiple of my past teachers and had felt physically sick being in any school building since, begging for help, begging for some sort of program to get me out faster or for kids who need extra help just to be lied to and told there were none by the people who ran them. The few times I brought myself to go outside during that time (near the end of quarantine) I'd have complete strangers pushing me and bumping into me while screaming " you have to stay 6 feet away for social distance" while the people around them laughed. I started going outside more consistently at the beginning of this year and met someone who I thought genuinly liked me only to later figure out that she love bombed me, repeatedly SA'd me and then was suddenly too busy to so much as text after I set a boundary and didn't let her push past it. She stopped texting around the same time I found out my best friend had been repeatedlt abandoning me. I still feel as though I lost what little love I had found in life that week. I remember texting 8 different people that I was scared and didn't want to be alone, that I could feel myself spiralling, and getting no response back. Out of desperation I contacted an "ex" (it was never romantic) who started sexualizing the fact that I was suicidal and ignoring my pain to try and convince me to suck him off. I don't know what I did to deserve that, to be ignored and left by everyone I cared about, to have the only person willing to pay attention to me when I was so distraught be someone who just wanted to use me. I feel like after being bullied and ignored and abused and gaslit my entire life with little to no empathy it's hard to be live I don't deserve it. It's hard to believe that I'm not doing everyone a favor by staying in my room
