I have bee struggling with extreme anxiety, severe depression and panic attacks from more than 7 years. My parents always tell me I am doing all this to escape away from my responsibilities and studies. According to them, I lie to them about my illness.
After a certain point, I also started to think that they are right. But deep inside , I was getting worse day by day. I tried to focused on my studies with all these ailments and getting severe day by day, but my parents still thing I am absolutely fine because I am focusing on my studies all day. In reality, I was having stronger sense of suicidal feeling day by day and tried to attempt suicide many times before. Every time, I cursed myself for becoming a spoiled teenager as I was always told its all my mischief. After a certain point, I had no friends or social circle left. Everyone in school thought I am a psycho. People in my vicinity have always used me by getting emotional blackmailing and then dumping me like a garbage always. They are still doing so. There is no way left out for me. I tried seeking help from best friends, relatives , sibling but everyone used me instead and let me felt dumb and mentally disabled. Despite all this, I have always tried to help every body around me as much as I could have done. At last, every one including my parents held me responsible for everything . They think I am wasting their hard earned money and resources. I never panicked or shown my anxiety side in front of them. They think depression is just my mischief I am totally fine. I got addicted to laptop, food and hurting my own self, locking myself dark pg room for for more than 45 days many times for two years until my last suicide attempt. I try to live by torchuring myself each day although deep inside I know that dying is the only option for me to make peace with myself. Now, I want to become selfish and want to die for myself. Now I know this world is heartless devils. No mercy for anybody.Everyone is doing cruel business in which they want to torchure you and eat you soul and at last they will tell you that you are the culprit. I want to ask today , who asked the fucking two people to bring me in this world. Why have not they killed me in womb only. oh, I got this... because I can still serve their selfish means, I am here to fulfill there unfulfilled luxurious dreams in front of my life and mental health never meant anything. I ask today that who gave people the right to use love's name to use some body physically? Who gave you the right to torchure your roommate like a bonded labour. Who gave you the right to emotionally and mentally torchure your sibling by telling them you re a burden for everyone as they have to pay for you and do chores for you. Who gave relatives the right to say you are dumb and mad. Who gave your best friend the right to overhear you and ignore you to let you feel even more worse in hardest times? Who gave the society the right to torchure you entire life by creating peer pressure , tooxic environment , neverending materialistic race and many more countless miseries where no body eer listens to you but expects the best behaviour possible even in worst mental conditions where all you can think is why can't you get the courage to die and end all the misery? Why can't I think of ending all the misery just for the reason others around me don't have the courage to end their endless misriful lives and want me to continue with them as well. No, now they can't lure me by any means to make me a slave. I have started to fight for my peaceand I will soon find peace with myself. In my first attempt, I tried to hang myself but didn't got the courage to do so. In NEXT attempt, I tried cutting my nerve, then went to mountain to jump off, eaten pills ,then again went to higher cliff mountains from before. Then I tried to cut my nerves even harder, taken 40 sleeping pills for 2 times but was saved unfortunately. This time, I want something really quick and hard and strong to end myself quickly. I don't afford to live like this.
After a certain point, I also started to think that they are right. But deep inside , I was getting worse day by day. I tried to focused on my studies with all these ailments and getting severe day by day, but my parents still thing I am absolutely fine because I am focusing on my studies all day. In reality, I was having stronger sense of suicidal feeling day by day and tried to attempt suicide many times before. Every time, I cursed myself for becoming a spoiled teenager as I was always told its all my mischief. After a certain point, I had no friends or social circle left. Everyone in school thought I am a psycho. People in my vicinity have always used me by getting emotional blackmailing and then dumping me like a garbage always. They are still doing so. There is no way left out for me. I tried seeking help from best friends, relatives , sibling but everyone used me instead and let me felt dumb and mentally disabled. Despite all this, I have always tried to help every body around me as much as I could have done. At last, every one including my parents held me responsible for everything . They think I am wasting their hard earned money and resources. I never panicked or shown my anxiety side in front of them. They think depression is just my mischief I am totally fine. I got addicted to laptop, food and hurting my own self, locking myself dark pg room for for more than 45 days many times for two years until my last suicide attempt. I try to live by torchuring myself each day although deep inside I know that dying is the only option for me to make peace with myself. Now, I want to become selfish and want to die for myself. Now I know this world is heartless devils. No mercy for anybody.Everyone is doing cruel business in which they want to torchure you and eat you soul and at last they will tell you that you are the culprit. I want to ask today , who asked the fucking two people to bring me in this world. Why have not they killed me in womb only. oh, I got this... because I can still serve their selfish means, I am here to fulfill there unfulfilled luxurious dreams in front of my life and mental health never meant anything. I ask today that who gave people the right to use love's name to use some body physically? Who gave you the right to torchure your roommate like a bonded labour. Who gave you the right to emotionally and mentally torchure your sibling by telling them you re a burden for everyone as they have to pay for you and do chores for you. Who gave relatives the right to say you are dumb and mad. Who gave your best friend the right to overhear you and ignore you to let you feel even more worse in hardest times? Who gave the society the right to torchure you entire life by creating peer pressure , tooxic environment , neverending materialistic race and many more countless miseries where no body eer listens to you but expects the best behaviour possible even in worst mental conditions where all you can think is why can't you get the courage to die and end all the misery? Why can't I think of ending all the misery just for the reason others around me don't have the courage to end their endless misriful lives and want me to continue with them as well. No, now they can't lure me by any means to make me a slave. I have started to fight for my peaceand I will soon find peace with myself. In my first attempt, I tried to hang myself but didn't got the courage to do so. In NEXT attempt, I tried cutting my nerve, then went to mountain to jump off, eaten pills ,then again went to higher cliff mountains from before. Then I tried to cut my nerves even harder, taken 40 sleeping pills for 2 times but was saved unfortunately. This time, I want something really quick and hard and strong to end myself quickly. I don't afford to live like this.
