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canyounotbesad
Member
- Mar 19, 2024
- 23
This may be the wrong forum, but I want to say this.
Last month I got put on 150mg of Wellbutrin cause, frankly, I didn't feel like lying to my doctor about my thoughts and feelings. At first it worked great! I was happy and I had energy. I didn't sleep as much as normal, but it didn't feel like it was affecting much. Then it all went back to normal. I had a bad stint and I'm still in the bad stint. For fucks sake I was thinking about if I gunned it after X point and aimed for this tree or that pole, I'd probably die on impact today while driving home. I did get bumped up to the 'therapeutic' dose of 300mg, but will it even make a difference? Am I just fucked up to my core? I know the fact that I drink almost every night negates the medicine but idk I don't care. Maybe I don't care to actually get better. Maybe I want a reason to CTB and if I continue being shit, I will have a good one.
I'm going on a tangent but fuck it. I had a 'friend' tell me that if I continue having issues, they'll stop talking to me, another that said they miss the old me (when I hid how I felt0, and another just straight up ignore me when I say I need support. I know it's my own fault and I have no one to blame but myself but idk it still hurts. It makes me feel like I will be doing everyone a service by CTB but the fact that I pussy out shows how selfish and terrible I am. I don't see the point in making deep connections with anyone anymore and someone told me I choose this, it's not something I HAVE to do. But is not having anyone not force you to rely on no one and isolate? I guess it doesn't matter at this point. I will continue chugging along hoping I'd get the balls to actually finish what I start.
Last month I got put on 150mg of Wellbutrin cause, frankly, I didn't feel like lying to my doctor about my thoughts and feelings. At first it worked great! I was happy and I had energy. I didn't sleep as much as normal, but it didn't feel like it was affecting much. Then it all went back to normal. I had a bad stint and I'm still in the bad stint. For fucks sake I was thinking about if I gunned it after X point and aimed for this tree or that pole, I'd probably die on impact today while driving home. I did get bumped up to the 'therapeutic' dose of 300mg, but will it even make a difference? Am I just fucked up to my core? I know the fact that I drink almost every night negates the medicine but idk I don't care. Maybe I don't care to actually get better. Maybe I want a reason to CTB and if I continue being shit, I will have a good one.
I'm going on a tangent but fuck it. I had a 'friend' tell me that if I continue having issues, they'll stop talking to me, another that said they miss the old me (when I hid how I felt0, and another just straight up ignore me when I say I need support. I know it's my own fault and I have no one to blame but myself but idk it still hurts. It makes me feel like I will be doing everyone a service by CTB but the fact that I pussy out shows how selfish and terrible I am. I don't see the point in making deep connections with anyone anymore and someone told me I choose this, it's not something I HAVE to do. But is not having anyone not force you to rely on no one and isolate? I guess it doesn't matter at this point. I will continue chugging along hoping I'd get the balls to actually finish what I start.