Iris Blue
-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-
- Oct 23, 2023
- 216
For about a couple years in a row I've been constantly depressed, suicidal and almost every other emotion in between with only one short period -a few months ago where I felt completely emotionally numb. Like where I couldn't even think or reimagine the thoughts and feelings I had of wanting to die all the time or where I wasn't crying every day and night.
These past few months I was waiting for my apartment lease to be over so I can finally CTB and I had months of planning and counting the days until I could kill myself. But now that I'm moved back with my dad the thought of wanting to die all the time or being depressed 24/7 is no longer there? It's like the last time that it happened so unexpectedly and just not feeling like myself (which is all the worst parts of me but for me my usual).
Maybe from all of the draining work leading up to the move I'm just burnt out? I don't feel "inspired" or wanting to make something out of being alive. I'm just waiting for this numb robotic feeling to end to hopefully be able to continue and go through with my original plan to CTB.
Is there something wrong with me for hating not being miserable all the time? When I should be grateful and happy I'm just skeptical and wanting to go back to my "normal". Even if it was hell.
These past few months I was waiting for my apartment lease to be over so I can finally CTB and I had months of planning and counting the days until I could kill myself. But now that I'm moved back with my dad the thought of wanting to die all the time or being depressed 24/7 is no longer there? It's like the last time that it happened so unexpectedly and just not feeling like myself (which is all the worst parts of me but for me my usual).
Maybe from all of the draining work leading up to the move I'm just burnt out? I don't feel "inspired" or wanting to make something out of being alive. I'm just waiting for this numb robotic feeling to end to hopefully be able to continue and go through with my original plan to CTB.
Is there something wrong with me for hating not being miserable all the time? When I should be grateful and happy I'm just skeptical and wanting to go back to my "normal". Even if it was hell.