Venting Why does nobody understand that death would be the best solution for me (especially my mum doesn't understand it)

[Praestat_Mori]

Every few weeks (once in a while) that comes up due to my personal unsolvable problems and nobody understands that it would be so much better for everyone if I wasn't there anymore, I really should've died several years ago already when it was already clear that it won't get any better. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!!!

Why is it so difficult to understand for people being close to me (family and especially my mum) to understand that this is the only solution for myself? I have accepted that I failed in life and I don't want to live another life and just being kept alive in agony. I don't wanna die but it's the only solution to end this misery I have to go through since years.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense but I would have had a perfect chance to end this a little over a week ago but I fucking didn't ... I went in an excursion ...

I hate this life, i hate this new year that will end with more agony and pain if I can't end this misery.

 

[Ninja_Master]

Totally understandable, my life is also a mess with a few good things to hold onto. I just wish i had enough courage to end it, now i'm just stuck in a limbo.

 

[ropearoundatree]

personal unsolvable problems

I wish you didn't have those...

I don't wanna die but it's the only solution

I wish that this wasn't the case. . .

I do get it though, that being what you're saying - I think (& I can understand completely!)! So I wish you only the best of success with whatever it is you're planning. Believe me, I've pissed plenty of decades away in life, just sitting around & "wishing in one hand," while the other fills up, w/'you know what!' So I get it: I do.

Why is it so difficult to understand for people being close to me (family and especially my mum) to understand

Probably because they don't want to lose you. Sorry if that was rhetorical!

 

[Captive_Mind515]

You need to try to calm yourself down and make your peace with those who do not share your views. If you are steadfast in your own conclusions/convictions, then it won't matter if others disagree.

I have found that many people actually are far less certain of their own future in this life than they would like others to know... sure they will react aggressively or angrily to those who are considering ctb, but I have found this is more about their own conflicting feelings and insecurities than anything else. If you display confidence and self assured-ness, and even possibly some joy/happiness at the prospect of ending your life - and don't react to their obvious attempts to sow doubt/fear in your mind... you will start to notice that they can't get to you, and they know it. They will be puzzled about how you can be so relaxed and at ease with something that likely terrifies them.

 

[hellispink]

They will never understand. No one will, only yourself. Only the person going through their personal hell can get and understand their own reasons. Stop wasting your time wanting or getting frustrated over this, they won't it doesnt matter how you explain or say it. Only someone with your same beliefs or similar pain can get it, no one else. You have to accept the fact that no one ever will and then decide what to do from there.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Thanks for your kind replies, it means a lot. @OneAnotherPerson @ropearoundatree @Captive_Mind515 @hellispink

I think of getting a tent (for CO) using it indoors when I have the next chance. I don't wanna experience 2024. I hope i have a good chance to CTB soon. It's impossible rn bc I'm not alone at home ... fuck.

 

[rozeske]

Am sorry you are going through this. People aren't going to fully understand your pain or what you are going through unless they spend some time in your shoes, only you can know that. Most people would want you to still be around no matter your situation. People close to you especially your mom (like almost all moms) isn't going to support the idea of you CTBing. I hope things change for the better in your life but whatever you decide I hope you find your peace and freedom soon

 

[Tears in Rain]

Every few weeks (once in a while) that comes up due to my personal unsolvable problems and nobody understands that it would be so much better for everyone if I wasn't there anymore, I really should've died several years ago already when it was already clear that it won't get any better. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!!!

Why is it so difficult to understand for people being close to me (family and especially my mum) to understand that this is the only solution for myself? I have accepted that I failed in life and I don't want to live another life and just being kept alive in agony. I don't wanna die but it's the only solution to end this misery I have to go through since years.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense but I would have had a perfect chance to end this a little over a week ago but I fucking didn't ... I went in an excursion ...

I hate this life, i hate this new year that will end with more agony and pain if I can't end this misery.

I remember seeing one of your posts before stating that your main reason to ctb was money, and not being able to live the life you wanted because of that.

I realise that people in dire financial situations are sometimes driven to suicide.
Without getting into personal specifics, is it a dire financial situation that has led you to this situation? Or just not having the funds to lead a comfortable life/the life you previously expected?

 

[FuneralCry]

Sadly many humans won't even try to understand and believe that the suffering of others should be prolonged no matter what all because they wish to stay here. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the peace you search for, I understand that it's dreadful feeling trapped in an existence you hate.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I realise that people in dire financial situations are sometimes driven to suicide.
Without getting into personal specifics, is it a dire financial situation that has led you to this situation? Or just not having the funds to lead a comfortable life/the life you previously expected?

The situation is not that serious yet. In short, a project failed a few years ago and since then I have no new idea and all recovery attempts failed. That ultimately lead to my registration here last year. I can't generate the needed funds for a good life that I expected to have anymore. Becoming a wage slave is out of question, I've never been one and I will never become one.

I consider CTB bc I want to prevent myself from further suffering and an inevitable further decline of life quality, I'm not interested in experiencing it when it gets worse. Kinda self-care, I deserve sth better imo.

 

[Tears in Rain]

I can't generate the needed funds for a good life that I expected to have anymore. Becoming a wage slave is out of question, I've never been one and I will never become one.

I consider CTB bc I want to prevent myself from further suffering and an inevitable further decline of life quality, I'm not interested in experiencing it when it gets worse. Kinda self-care, I deserve sth better imo.

" The needed funds for a good life"? I guess this obviously varies from person to person, but I can see why you don't want to become a wage slave, even though that's what the vast majority of the population are.

So you're essentially weighing up ctb now to prevent a possible future terrible life, as opposed to currently living a hell?(not diminishing the current suffering you are going through).

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

My life is unfixable too. The only way I cope is knowing it will end when I CTB

 

[hopeless08]

I remember seeing one of your posts before stating that your main reason to ctb was money, and not being able to live the life you wanted because of that.

I realise that people in dire financial situations are sometimes driven to suicide.
Without getting into personal specifics, is it a dire financial situation that has led you to this situation? Or just not having the funds to lead a comfortable life/the life you previously expected?

Are you in a financial dire situation because your depression prevents you from being able to work or is it the financial situation that is causing your depression, leading you to want to ctb?
I'm sorry if the question is too personal.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

" The needed funds for a good life"? I guess this obviously varies from person to person, but I can see why you don't want to become a wage slave, even though that's what the vast majority of the population are.

A good start would be 5k USD (or other hard currency) / month. But due to age, lack of skills, no uni degree and so on this will never happen unless I do my own business again - that ofc has to run and I have to have an idea what I could do.

So you're essentially weighing up ctb now to prevent a possible future terrible life, as opposed to currently living a hell?(not diminishing the current suffering you are going through).

So to say, yes. I recall when it was clear that I failed it was already clear to me that most likely there won't be a recovery and I chose my method back then. It would have prevented me from so much suffering and constant declines and more failures. haha and I'm still here and probably will have to endure another terrible year that just started.

Are you in a financial dire situation because your depression prevents you from being able to work or is it the financial situation that is causing your depression, leading you to want to ctb?
I'm sorry if the question is too personal.

It's the financial situation and the trauma of the big failure (not a debt problem!) and me not being able to recover financially and everything I tried failed, I've given up. No idea what I could try next and as I said before becoming a wage slave is not an option. That is causing depressive episodes and that's why I want CTB. This is the one and only issue I have my life could be great if I found a way out of this.

 

[hopeless08]

A good start would be 5k USD (or other hard currency) / month. But due to age, lack of skills, no uni degree and so on this will never happen unless I do my own business again - that ofc has to run and I have to have an idea what I could do.


So to say, yes. I recall when it was clear that I failed it was already clear to me that most likely there won't be a recovery and I chose my method back then. It would have prevented me from so much suffering and constant declines and more failures. haha and I'm still here and probably will have to endure another terrible year that just started.

It's the financial situation and the trauma of the big failure (not a debt problem!) and me not being able to recover financially and everything I tried failed, I've given up. No idea what I could try next and as I said before becoming a wage slave is not an option. That is causing depressive episodes and that's why I want CTB. This is the one and only issue I have my life could be great if I found a way out of this.

 

[hopeless08]

A good start would be 5k USD (or other hard currency) / month. But due to age, lack of skills, no uni degree and so on this will never happen unless I do my own business again - that ofc has to run and I have to have an idea what I could do.


So to say, yes. I recall when it was clear that I failed it was already clear to me that most likely there won't be a recovery and I chose my method back then. It would have prevented me from so much suffering and constant declines and more failures. haha and I'm still here and probably will have to endure another terrible year that just started.

It's the financial situation and the trauma of the big failure (not a debt problem!) and me not being able to recover financially and everything I tried failed, I've given up. No idea what I could try next and as I said before becoming a wage slave is not an option. That is causing depressive episodes and that's why I want CTB. This is the one and only issue I have my life could be great if I found a way out

Have you ever seen a therapist because to me it sounds like you have a big fear of failure, which is a serious phobia.
I understand the pressure society places on people to be successful and that some people treat you based on how successful you are and it horrible to feel that pressure but you are so much more than that from i read in your posts and responses, advice and encouragement you give other shows that you are truly a good person but I understand that when you have certain beliefs, it's hard to get them out of your mind, it's like some kind of trauma.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Have you ever seen a therapist because to me it sounds like you have a big fear of failure, which is a serious phobia.

Yes I know that I obviously developed a "fear of failure" over the years. That's actually an issue and that's probably the major reason why I don't try anything anymore. I tried therapy several years ago but it failed due to other reasons (that's a whole other story!) and now I can't afford therapy anymore and anyway idk how it could help. The only solution is a restart and failure is not allowed = nearly impossible.

I also might develop more MH issues over time should my situation not improve. That's also sth I want to prevent myself from becoming a MH-wreck. Would be best to CTB long before that happens.

I understand the pressure society places on people to be successful and that some people treat you based on how successful you are and it horrible to feel that pressure but you are so much more than that from i read in your posts and responses, advice and encouragement you give other shows that you are truly a good person but I understand that when you have certain beliefs, it's hard to get them out of your mind, it's like some kind of trauma.

Thanks for your kind words!! It means a lot!!

It's not really social pressure, I have personal expectations for myself, where I see myself and what I worked for and I failed this. It's really a personal issue not sth that others expect me to be.

 

[Tears in Rain]

The only solution is a restart and failure is not allowed = nearly impossible.

I also might develop more MH issues over time should my situation not improve. That's also sth I want to prevent myself from becoming a MH-wreck. Would be best to CTB long before that happens.


Thanks for your kind words!! It means a lot!!

It's not really social pressure, I have personal expectations for myself, where I see myself and what I worked for and I failed this. It's really a personal issue not sth that others expect me to be.

You seem to be focusing a lot on what might go wrong in the future, or what you may have 'failed' at in the past. Our ideas of 'success' can be a bit delusional.

But I appreciate the failure you had was traumatic for you. Our current rat-race societies are leaving a lot of people feeling financially hopeless.

 

[Ash’Girl]

Because they love you, and even if you can't see any worth in yourself, they see worth in you, and they'd miss you, and your death would cause them grief.

It is the same with my mum. I often feel guilty that I've gotten to the point where I'll just tell her "I don't want to be here, I'm too tired for the fight anymore." It's not done emotionally, more just a statement of fact that I have accepted. I think I tell her because… she does get it, as she's felt the same since my big brother died. I think one of the main reasons my guilt stops and my SI goes nuts is because I don't want to hurt her more in life, she's grieving one of her children already.

She is however not the type to ctb. It's not in her brain wiring, though she now understands passive ideation. She gets by by putting all her energy into looking into others and she always has.

She knows I'm in pain though and she knows there's nothing she can do about it, and I think that hurts her too - because she only ever wanted her kids to be happy.

She would and does understand that I'm suffering being alive, and would be free from that in death, but she doesn't want to let me go.

So I'm in limbo. I don't much care about anyone else's reaction. They'd all give me the "stick around it gets better" rhetoric or look at me like I've grown another head, but truth is I'm not an active participant in anyone's life anymore so why would they miss me - not seeing or speaking to them, ever - what's it matter to them if I'm alive or dead? It wouldn't affect them on the daily.

Anyway - it's not about anyone else. It's about you, only you know what is right for you, what (if anything) is worth holding on for, and when it's really time to go. I don't feel like you should feel bad about making the right decision for you. I apply that to myself but I think I hold on first for my mum, and second for my furbabies. Once mum is gone, no more human emotional attachments to tether me, and I will make sure the furries are well taken care of in advance.

Unless I crack and truly can't take it anymore or accidentally die during a "practice attempt", in which case I'd not be bothered, it would be a blessing anyway, I'm ready.

I'm sorry you're struggling. Though loving someone means you should want what is best for them, it's often difficult for people to understand why death is our best chosen option, because they've never experienced the mindset or suffering.

I write too much,

 

[Praestat_Mori]

You seem to be focusing a lot on what might go wrong in the futute, or what you may have 'failed' at in the past. Our ideas of 'success' can be a bit delusional.

But I appreciate the failure you had was traumatic for you. Our current rat-race societies are leaving a lot of people feeling financially hopeless.

Yeah you say it, I'm kinda stuck.

 

[DEATH IS FREEDOM]

It is our civilization that has created the denial of death. Most societies want nothing to do with (human) death. Humans who have never suffered can´t understand the suffering of others. People are not used to death but 200 years ago, death was around the corner. The society´s task is to force people to live. The society forces people to live in a society where we all must die. People are expected to live no matter how life turns out for them. Humans are expected to suffer as long as possible before they die. Religion made suicide a sin. Man has never been more stupid. But this is changing - Canada has good rules for euthanasia. Futhermore, death is normal in nature. Hunters and gatherers kill their fellow humans for all sorts of reasons.

 

[ropearoundatree]

All I will say, @Praestat_Mori - is that, you seem to be quite a bit younger than me. And although I spoke of my decades of despondence. I have had as many epic, catastrophic failures as any-body! The one thing I will acknowledge, however, is that there have been many opportunities when "2nd chances," have arisen. And although I tried my best to seize them at each & every golden opportunity, I guess I just wasn't good enough to turn things around for good in the end. But that doesn't mean for somebody like you, that you won't be able to have, or find a better outcome than I did... when inevitably given these same chances of golden opportunities. Just because you can't seem to see it for yourself now, doesn't mean that is it a definite impossibility is all I'm saying. Because I definitely would have felt the same way back then, and also that things would never change or get better. They in fact did. A bunch of times. None of them were just permanent, is all! :)

 

[Abyssal]

Society has convinced people that death is bad in all ways. Sometimes, in fact many times, it is undesirable and therefore generally bad (putting it emotionally, not going to debate the whole point of death and whether or not it's truly good or bad) but in a way it's kinda fucked us over. Often, the death of a person is desirable for all, including the ones dying, so a situation like ours where we want death is too alien to them.

There's probably a biological drive for survival that makes humans think death = bad, but media's portrayal not just of suicide but the tragic death of beloved characters, the saving of a stranger's life, it all influences us to further believe that suicide is bad. It's not like theirs any real loud voices out there sharing our side of things, so I suppose it makes sense not to understand what you have never been allowed to.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

All I will say, @Praestat_Mori - is that, you seem to be quite a bit younger than me. And although I spoke of my decades of despondence. I have had as many epic, catastrophic failures as any-body! The one thing I will acknowledge, however, is that there have been many opportunities when "2nd chances," have arisen. And although I tried my best to seize them at each & every golden opportunity, I guess I just wasn't good enough to turn things around for good in the end. But that doesn't mean for somebody like you, that you won't be able to have, or find a better outcome than I did... when inevitably given these same chances of golden opportunities. Just because you can't seem to see it for yourself now, doesn't mean that is it a definite impossibility is all I'm saying. Because I definitely would have felt the same way back then, and also that things would never change or get better. They in fact did. A bunch of times. None of them were just permanent, is all! :)

Well "2nd chances": I had several ups and downs in the past decades but each time after sth failed or conditions changed and I had to find new sources of income I quickly found sth and it worked in my favors. I climbed up higher on the ladder. But the last time everything was different and still is, failure follows failure and this is killing me. This downward spiral lasts since more than half a decade now.

 

[ropearoundatree]

Well "2nd chances": I had several ups and downs in the past decades but each time after sth failed or conditions changed and I had to find new sources of income I quickly found sth and it worked in my favors. I climbed up higher on the ladder. But the last time everything was different and still is, failure follows failure and this is killing me. This downward spiral lasts since more than half a decade now.

I feel for you, I truly do!...
. . . & I'm glad you at least got to "taste," what success feels like~*

 

[LoiteringClouds]

It's not really social pressure, I have personal expectations for myself, where I see myself and what I worked for and I failed this. It's really a personal issue not sth that others expect me to be.

Hello @Praestat_Mori,

I might be able to relate - I had personal expectations for myself too, and it was that living independently.

Now I'm living in my parents' house, because I don't make money enough to pay the rent. I work as an administrative assistant in a tiny company and my job gives me a wage slightly more than minimum. With all my might, intelligence, fortitude and 5-year experience, I barely hold down this "easy" "entry-level" job - I make way too many mistakes. I have mental health issues since 2014 and it totally ruined my intelligence and memory. Though I'm not eligible for welfare/benefits, I'm legally disabled because of my bipolar II diagnosis. I also suspect SSRIs or benzos my former psychiatrist prescribed me fried my brain, but I don't blame the doctor because it was me who decided to rely on them - nobody shoved the pills into my mouth. Now I can hardly remember anything at work and I'm totally dependent on 10+ alarms on my phone to navigate my workday which relentlessly throws me a host of tasks.

When I started my current job I was a total disgrace by my standards. Now I've thrown my standards out the window altogether and now I'm trying to recover anyway - just existing on earth is an achievement for me.

Thank you very much for reading my venting

 

[LaVieEnRose]

If they care about you they're naturally going to be biased in your favor.

My friend is a psych nurse and has talked about even children patients essentially being, in his estimation, destined to be a burden on society and already at a dead end in their lives.

But I, despite having struggled for a long time, over 10 years of which he has personally witnessed, have a BrIGhT FuTuRe.

 

[Aim]

I don't think you or anyone else for that matter have the right to expect that parents should be obligated to validate their children's want to commit suicide. It goes against the law of nature basically. And would be way to much to ask in my opinion. Even if that for some could feel invalidating. However writing a suicide note to explain the reasons behind the act afterwards. Could help people gain a wider perspective to why an individual chose the outcome that they did.