KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,854
I'm speaking from my experience now of living in 3 different countries, it's all the same garbage. No matter where I go, it seems like for the vast majority, people believe you can overcome being sexually assaulted and mold yourself into a completely "normal" person who has no emotional hangups or boundaries about their body, no fear, and a cheery disposition even when you see something which directly reminds you of your past. Pretty much everyone I know, outside of two people, believes PTSD is 100% curable and if you aren't getting better it's because you didn't try hard enough.
For context, I have been sexually and physically abused multiple times in my life, starting in early childhood. I have posted a lot about it, because I believe these events have had the most devastating impact on my life and lead me to the point where there's just a constant feeling of despair hanging around me. It's not only the abuse itself that damages you, but the cruel reactions from other people that are akin to pouring salt and alcohol both in a festering wound.
The first time I was molested was when I was about 4/5 years old, by a doctor. There was no medical justification or reason for me to be naked, but all I remember was being stripped, crying, and dissociating, my mind has blocked out many of the details but I remember those feelings of violation so well. After that, I began to act out in ways that made it blatantly obvious I had been abused by that doctor, but my family didn't care.
Every time I cried and screamed about potentially being in a medical setting again, and being violated, my family would say I was being difficult and pin me down so that they could beat me. There was never any attempt to help me, from the medical side either, no sedation, or anything, just more callous judgement because I was "being a brat" by acting so afraid.
Around the time I started high school, an older guy at my school also started molesting me, before I really understood what sex was. For several months, I would be taken to a semi-public place and molested multiple times, while being told I was "learning new things." Unlike before, my family actually did take this seriously. The police were involved, but the boy did not go to jail or face any punishment. Instead, it was recommended that I did not attend school anymore until he graduated, so I missed out on two entire years of schooling, at a pivotal time in life, simply because I was sexually abused.
Again, I got violently abused, by an acquaintance of my much older ex boyfriend when I was just barely 18 years old. Even though I was bleeding and injured, some people in the social circle, and eventually my ex as well, started weaving a tale that I made it up for attention, and that I probably just "liked it rough" and regretted it. They said there is no way that someone could have experienced sexual abuse so many times, so I must be lying, especially because I was young and immature. This was when I truly began to realize, that people doubted me and hated me because I had been abused TOO much.
Throughout my life, I have consistently faded judgment from people because they don't understand how abuse can effect you. The most obvious one is that I can't use tampons and dislike penetration. Even in school, other girls would bully me because I couldn't go on swimming trips, solely due to being unable to use tampons, because I can't insert anything there without pain. I also wasn't allowed to participate in any school sports, because I wouldn't submit to medical checkups, and pretty much every single person I knew during that time thought I was being an absolute baby because I didn't want to do them.
Time and time again, I was told to face my fears and triggers. Medical settings are the biggest ones, since the original assault happened in that context. I have tried pretty much every type of therapy you can imagine, both in professional settings and DIY at your own pace sorts of fashion, as well as nearly every psych drug on the market. I still have PTSD, I still don't want strangers touching me when I'm uncomfortable with it, and I still don't like penetration.
I've been able to have relationships, but sex is still painful and I can really only get aroused by reinacting traumatic scenarios, it's so awful and distressing. There are aspects of my trauma that I feel like I did overcome, but not the ones that matter. I can see a hospital on TV without freaking out now, and I have actually been able to work in a healthcare setting for awhile now, though it is absolutely terrible for me mentally because a lot of my coworkers are not great people and don't treat patients with respect.
I think because my experiences have made me a kinder, gentler, and more professional person, I have a good rapport with patients and can understand them. However, I can't tolerate most examinations or tests myself. Time and time again, people have told me I should move out of my low paying job (which I can hardly handle as is) and try to advance in the healthcare field because I have a niche for scientific knowledge and good professionalism, but I'm confident I would be discriminated against because of my PTSD and not wanting my classmates to use my body as a practice doll. Once again, people would see this fear as irrational, and think I am "mentally ill and crazy".
Any time I've opened up to others about PTSD, they give a blank eyed stare, and most of the time just tell me to go to therapy. I've tried so much therapy, and it simply doesn't work for me. After the gamut of SSRIs, SNRIs, tricyclics, antihistamines, etc didn't do anything positive for me, I begged the doctors for any kind of sedative for when there is a particularly triggering time, only to be told by multiple so called "experts" that medication is an addictive crutch, and the most effective way is to face your fears and quit hiding from them. The cruelty is fucking unreal, that they would rather see someone suffer for years and years, then do ANYTHING to change the situation, and this only reinforces my trauma.
It's been over 20 years since the original incident, and I'm still so messed up by it. Yet, other people just act like it's no big deal, or something like a broken leg that will inevitably heal with treatment and time. As I get older, this judgement becomes even more pronounced, because of the fact that I am not having children. I've heard every cope under the sun, you can have a woman present, only women involved, etc, but it doesn't change the fact that doesn't matter to me. The first person who abused me was a woman, gender doesn't matter when someone has violated you. Furthermore, I have always been treated like a nuisance and a burden whenever I have opened up about my trauma, but especially by medical staff.
While I personally think it would be cruel to subject a new life to the risk of my autism and chronic health problems, not to mention the risk they may experience something traumatic during their own life, that scars them in the same ways I have been, it hurts my heart that I can't ever experience what it's like to have a family. There's no way a person like me would be allowed to adopt, due to all my health conditions, finances, and so on, so I gave up on the idea a long time ago. Yet many people can not understand why I can't have children.
More people I know are thinking about settling down and discussing these topics with me, and it hurts my heart, because the abuse took this option from me. Not to mention, how many opportunities I've missed out on during my life because I didn't want to do invasive medical exams. A lot of countries just straight up ban you from work or study if you don't have a litany of medical tests done, even if they aren't relevant to the job in any way, it's a formality they won't budge on.
This is very common where I am living right now in Japan. So I had to go through a big song and dance at my language school because I did not want to go to a gymnasium and have a group medical exam where a bunch of people are helping you strip down in public. I would probably fail because I would be panicking so badly, from that sense of not having control. Then whenever I tried to explain to some of my classmates why I didn't go to the health checks, they just told me some platitudes about how the skin is seperate from the soul, and I should learn not to be so modest about nudity.
My brother in Christ, it's not about feeling a little embarrassed, it's that I HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED MULTIPLE TIMES IN MY LIFE, and I don't like other people touching my body in an environment where I'm not allowed to be in control or say stop. But as usual, people don't get it. I have no doubt in my mind that if I mentioned I have PTSD, I will just get told the same spiel about how I need to get over it- go get therapy and go to the psychiatrist. When I've been told by multiple therapists and psychiatrists that there was nothing more they could do to help me.
It's insanely frustrating, and I feel like everyone just hates me because of the inconvenience posed by my trauma, and inability to simply be normal with no boundaries. I am made to feel like less of a woman, a coward, a child, a nuisance, and every other negative thing that exists. Many people will straight up avoid you if you have trauma because they see you as damaged goods. Families will refuse to adopt young girls often if they find out they've endured sexual abuse. We are made to feel lesser than at every turn and I hate it so much. Can anyone else relate to this?
For context, I have been sexually and physically abused multiple times in my life, starting in early childhood. I have posted a lot about it, because I believe these events have had the most devastating impact on my life and lead me to the point where there's just a constant feeling of despair hanging around me. It's not only the abuse itself that damages you, but the cruel reactions from other people that are akin to pouring salt and alcohol both in a festering wound.
The first time I was molested was when I was about 4/5 years old, by a doctor. There was no medical justification or reason for me to be naked, but all I remember was being stripped, crying, and dissociating, my mind has blocked out many of the details but I remember those feelings of violation so well. After that, I began to act out in ways that made it blatantly obvious I had been abused by that doctor, but my family didn't care.
Every time I cried and screamed about potentially being in a medical setting again, and being violated, my family would say I was being difficult and pin me down so that they could beat me. There was never any attempt to help me, from the medical side either, no sedation, or anything, just more callous judgement because I was "being a brat" by acting so afraid.
Around the time I started high school, an older guy at my school also started molesting me, before I really understood what sex was. For several months, I would be taken to a semi-public place and molested multiple times, while being told I was "learning new things." Unlike before, my family actually did take this seriously. The police were involved, but the boy did not go to jail or face any punishment. Instead, it was recommended that I did not attend school anymore until he graduated, so I missed out on two entire years of schooling, at a pivotal time in life, simply because I was sexually abused.
Again, I got violently abused, by an acquaintance of my much older ex boyfriend when I was just barely 18 years old. Even though I was bleeding and injured, some people in the social circle, and eventually my ex as well, started weaving a tale that I made it up for attention, and that I probably just "liked it rough" and regretted it. They said there is no way that someone could have experienced sexual abuse so many times, so I must be lying, especially because I was young and immature. This was when I truly began to realize, that people doubted me and hated me because I had been abused TOO much.
Throughout my life, I have consistently faded judgment from people because they don't understand how abuse can effect you. The most obvious one is that I can't use tampons and dislike penetration. Even in school, other girls would bully me because I couldn't go on swimming trips, solely due to being unable to use tampons, because I can't insert anything there without pain. I also wasn't allowed to participate in any school sports, because I wouldn't submit to medical checkups, and pretty much every single person I knew during that time thought I was being an absolute baby because I didn't want to do them.
Time and time again, I was told to face my fears and triggers. Medical settings are the biggest ones, since the original assault happened in that context. I have tried pretty much every type of therapy you can imagine, both in professional settings and DIY at your own pace sorts of fashion, as well as nearly every psych drug on the market. I still have PTSD, I still don't want strangers touching me when I'm uncomfortable with it, and I still don't like penetration.
I've been able to have relationships, but sex is still painful and I can really only get aroused by reinacting traumatic scenarios, it's so awful and distressing. There are aspects of my trauma that I feel like I did overcome, but not the ones that matter. I can see a hospital on TV without freaking out now, and I have actually been able to work in a healthcare setting for awhile now, though it is absolutely terrible for me mentally because a lot of my coworkers are not great people and don't treat patients with respect.
I think because my experiences have made me a kinder, gentler, and more professional person, I have a good rapport with patients and can understand them. However, I can't tolerate most examinations or tests myself. Time and time again, people have told me I should move out of my low paying job (which I can hardly handle as is) and try to advance in the healthcare field because I have a niche for scientific knowledge and good professionalism, but I'm confident I would be discriminated against because of my PTSD and not wanting my classmates to use my body as a practice doll. Once again, people would see this fear as irrational, and think I am "mentally ill and crazy".
Any time I've opened up to others about PTSD, they give a blank eyed stare, and most of the time just tell me to go to therapy. I've tried so much therapy, and it simply doesn't work for me. After the gamut of SSRIs, SNRIs, tricyclics, antihistamines, etc didn't do anything positive for me, I begged the doctors for any kind of sedative for when there is a particularly triggering time, only to be told by multiple so called "experts" that medication is an addictive crutch, and the most effective way is to face your fears and quit hiding from them. The cruelty is fucking unreal, that they would rather see someone suffer for years and years, then do ANYTHING to change the situation, and this only reinforces my trauma.
It's been over 20 years since the original incident, and I'm still so messed up by it. Yet, other people just act like it's no big deal, or something like a broken leg that will inevitably heal with treatment and time. As I get older, this judgement becomes even more pronounced, because of the fact that I am not having children. I've heard every cope under the sun, you can have a woman present, only women involved, etc, but it doesn't change the fact that doesn't matter to me. The first person who abused me was a woman, gender doesn't matter when someone has violated you. Furthermore, I have always been treated like a nuisance and a burden whenever I have opened up about my trauma, but especially by medical staff.
While I personally think it would be cruel to subject a new life to the risk of my autism and chronic health problems, not to mention the risk they may experience something traumatic during their own life, that scars them in the same ways I have been, it hurts my heart that I can't ever experience what it's like to have a family. There's no way a person like me would be allowed to adopt, due to all my health conditions, finances, and so on, so I gave up on the idea a long time ago. Yet many people can not understand why I can't have children.
More people I know are thinking about settling down and discussing these topics with me, and it hurts my heart, because the abuse took this option from me. Not to mention, how many opportunities I've missed out on during my life because I didn't want to do invasive medical exams. A lot of countries just straight up ban you from work or study if you don't have a litany of medical tests done, even if they aren't relevant to the job in any way, it's a formality they won't budge on.
This is very common where I am living right now in Japan. So I had to go through a big song and dance at my language school because I did not want to go to a gymnasium and have a group medical exam where a bunch of people are helping you strip down in public. I would probably fail because I would be panicking so badly, from that sense of not having control. Then whenever I tried to explain to some of my classmates why I didn't go to the health checks, they just told me some platitudes about how the skin is seperate from the soul, and I should learn not to be so modest about nudity.
My brother in Christ, it's not about feeling a little embarrassed, it's that I HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED MULTIPLE TIMES IN MY LIFE, and I don't like other people touching my body in an environment where I'm not allowed to be in control or say stop. But as usual, people don't get it. I have no doubt in my mind that if I mentioned I have PTSD, I will just get told the same spiel about how I need to get over it- go get therapy and go to the psychiatrist. When I've been told by multiple therapists and psychiatrists that there was nothing more they could do to help me.
It's insanely frustrating, and I feel like everyone just hates me because of the inconvenience posed by my trauma, and inability to simply be normal with no boundaries. I am made to feel like less of a woman, a coward, a child, a nuisance, and every other negative thing that exists. Many people will straight up avoid you if you have trauma because they see you as damaged goods. Families will refuse to adopt young girls often if they find out they've endured sexual abuse. We are made to feel lesser than at every turn and I hate it so much. Can anyone else relate to this?
