Venting Why does everything have to be the way it is?

[unending_emptiness]

lol idk why I'm every posting this but I don't understand anything these days.

One of my closest friends died from cancer around a month ago . I don't understand why a person who has a will and purpose to live has to die and I who only desires death cannot die of causes other than suicide.

I want to die so badly but I'm scared . I was raised ultra conservative Christian my entire life , so I have the belief of hell instilled deeply inside my mind.

I'm so lonely . I barely have anybody to talk to ever and all my close friends have moved away somewhere far from where we all used to live . I never talk to anybody hardly . Even my church where all the people have are is far from where I live and I have to go to the smaller brach where there are only old people I cannot talk to.

I'm always scared about the church finding out about me doing stuff that are against the rules such as this website. If I mess up even in one thing I will lose everything I have left in my life. Because of the church I quit school In grade 8 and now I cannot even get a live outside of the church and getting married.

I hate how I'm so dependent on the church and how I'm slowly losing my reasons to live.

I have decided that I'm going to ctb in a year if I do not find one reason to live. Since at some point it doesn't seem logical for me to stay alive if I only suffer when I get up every morning . I guess I we shall see how everything works out lol .

 

[stillvoices]

I'm so lonely my chest hurts so I understand. I grew up with the same understanding with the church. Maybe not as bad because my mom eventually had a crisis of faith and tried to kill herself. I later read more about different religions and found a common theme. That no matter who you are that as long as your good as in treating people the way you would want to be treated that it doesn't really matter. "God" will love us and accept us no matter what. If we do something bad and feel bad just ask for forgiveness and it will be granted. I used to stay up at night afraid of an intrusive thought thinking he would hate me. But found he won't. He even understands about suicide knowing that some of us can't take this place. I understand that some of my beliefs aren't widely accepted so dont take what you don't want to heart. Only what feels right for you. I learned a lot from reading books by Sylvia brown. I hope you well.

 

[unending_emptiness]

I'm so lonely my chest hurts so I understand. I grew up with the same understanding with the church. Maybe not as bad because my mom eventually had a crisis of faith and tried to kill herself. I later read more about different religions and found a common theme. That no matter who you are that as long as your good as in treating people the way you would want to be treated that it doesn't really matter. "God" will love us and accept us no matter what. If we do something bad and feel bad just ask for forgiveness and it will be granted. I used to stay up at night afraid of an intrusive thought thinking he would hate me. But found he won't. He even understands about suicide knowing that some of us can't take this place. I understand that some of my beliefs aren't widely accepted so dont take what you don't want to heart. Only what feels right for you. I learned a lot from reading books by Sylvia brown. I hope you well.

Hey that interpretation actually makes a lot of sense . Thanks for sharing that I can't tell how how much that comforts me. I wish you well too and hope you find your peace .

 

[stillvoices]

Thank you! I'm so glad it's helped you. I had someone else in my real life who needed to hear that and they changed so much for the better. They actually lived their life away from all the stress. But you never know how anyone will react to new ideas and beliefs.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existence is just too cruel after all. But anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.