GettingOut
I'm not worth any tears
- Aug 16, 2022
- 124
I've just had an interesting experience that made me think about the reason why some choose to ctb. I was speaking to Person A who was already very emotional about a situation, and she insisted she needs a break. Person B walked by and started bickering with person A. I could see the desperation on Person A's face, and she literally ran away from the situation to escape it. I felt compelled to support Person A emotionally because I don't want her to feel completely hopeless or worthless, despite me having an empty tank.
One of the main reasons why I want to ctb is that there is no emotional support for me. Even though Person A's problems aren't as serious (in my eyes and from the circumstances I know) I didn't want her to feel the pain of being ripped to pieces from the inside and having that ever-present vacuum/void that seemingly cannot be filled once it starts growing.
Do we give more of ourselves that what we should, but are unable to stop giving to make others feel better than we feel? Which makes us feel worse because we wish we had just a single person that would be willing to support us like we feel compelled to emotionally support others?
This also applies to feeling rejected. I'm hypersensitive to rejection and do not want anyone else (possibly even enemies) to feel the suffering that blunt nail being driven through your torso when someone turns you down. You are willing to do almost anything (immorality included) just to be accepted, feel a touch that appreciates what you have done.
Do some people choose ctb because their gas tanks are in a huge deficit? Do others frown upon people who choose to ctb because they are incapable of giving more of what they don't have? Which is completely logical btw. Is this why suicidal people need to go to therapy so that they can learn to think logically and stop giving when they cannot give anymore?
I know there are far more factors at play. I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts. This might just help me make sense of why I'm making my final preparations to ctb, or help me to give life/reason one more chance. Love to you all
One of the main reasons why I want to ctb is that there is no emotional support for me. Even though Person A's problems aren't as serious (in my eyes and from the circumstances I know) I didn't want her to feel the pain of being ripped to pieces from the inside and having that ever-present vacuum/void that seemingly cannot be filled once it starts growing.
Do we give more of ourselves that what we should, but are unable to stop giving to make others feel better than we feel? Which makes us feel worse because we wish we had just a single person that would be willing to support us like we feel compelled to emotionally support others?
This also applies to feeling rejected. I'm hypersensitive to rejection and do not want anyone else (possibly even enemies) to feel the suffering that blunt nail being driven through your torso when someone turns you down. You are willing to do almost anything (immorality included) just to be accepted, feel a touch that appreciates what you have done.
Do some people choose ctb because their gas tanks are in a huge deficit? Do others frown upon people who choose to ctb because they are incapable of giving more of what they don't have? Which is completely logical btw. Is this why suicidal people need to go to therapy so that they can learn to think logically and stop giving when they cannot give anymore?
I know there are far more factors at play. I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts. This might just help me make sense of why I'm making my final preparations to ctb, or help me to give life/reason one more chance. Love to you all