Why do want to kill myself so much? Why do I want to feel pain? Why do I desire pain?

[Minas]

I tried to research about moments of ego death or dissociation... And i finally understand a very deep problem i have.

Yes, I do often feel like i don't know why i like something or what i want in life, not even what drives me forward... but while that drives some people into a peaceful life without personal worries...

For me that just makes me look for death and pain. I don't feel "enlightened" when my ego dies, I feel like i gravitate towards my own destruction that way. It's instinctual, a part of me really wants to be abused. And when everything else inside me gets turned off, this is all that remains. Either i self harm, or complete overlook abuse towards me, letting people hurt me.

Is this... natural? Is this what I should be doing? Why am i so comfortable around pain to the point i start desiring it? That makes it really hard to fight my suicidal tendencies if i see myself dying as... natural, something good.

It feels like i was made to serve as biomass in necromorph outbreak, or to be absorbed by cell, if you know what I mean. Just a mass of flesh. The act of giving my life would feel... purposeful. I actually fantasize i would feel at peace and in ectasy before i die, like i did something fulfilling.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Humans are extremely adaptable creatures. We could adapt to exist in practically any situation. It's pretty cool, but it also creates a problem because once we've adapted to something, it starts to feel safe because it's what's familiar to us. We like what's predictable and familiar, so if you've adapted to a life of pain, chances are your mind is going to want to cling to it for dear life. Similar tendencies have been observed in other mammals, such as dogs. So I'd say it's natural.

 

[Minas]

Humans are extremely adaptable creatures. We could adapt to exist in practically any situation. It's pretty cool, but it also creates a problem because once we've adapted to something, it starts to feel safe because it's what's familiar to us. We like what's predictable and familiar, so if you've adapted to a life of pain, chances are your mind is going to want to cling to it for dear life. Similar tendencies have been observed in other mammals, such as dogs. So I'd say it's natural.

So that means it's correct for me to follow that right? Nothing would bring me greater happiness if it's natural.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

So that means it's correct for me to follow that right? Nothing would bring me greater happiness if it's natural.

I suppose it very much depends on if you want to live with the consequences? Because it does still hurt you, even if it's familiar.