Stroopwafel.
Meow
- Jan 14, 2020
- 109
Why do people think it's a damn choise to be suicidal? Or depressed? I'm in a psychiatric hospital right now for 5 months and it's by far the best place I've been in.
But damn, why can't they just understand that it's not a choice to be suicidal, they think I sometimes use my depression as an 'excuse' to feel and act like I do. They clearly haven't been depressed and suicidal themselves for almost 6 years straight.
It just hurts me a lot. This weekend I had an extremely bad weekend. With lots op depression and lots of suicidal thoughts and making plans, things like that, I and I was not able to get out of my bed for more than a few hours. And than today I talk about it with my therapist and they are like 'do you think you can continue the treatment this way?' It's the second time since I'm here that this happens, I feel at my WORST and they are like 'you aren't committed enough' yeah well fuck, I am committed but I can't be like that literally 24/7 with a depression like this.
Some days depression wins, most of the days I win. But there are days that my depression wins it all. And that's NOT a damn choise I make. It's NOT an excuse. No one can fight a severe depression 24/7 for 6 years. Please don't expect that from me. It's not fair, it's not realistic. IT'S NOT.
Yes I have plans, I wanna have a 'plan b' for when this fails. And yes, I wanna think about it now, I wanna figure out my way now, because I won't have time for that when it comes to the point that I choose to leave. But I do not choose to go at the moment. But than they think I can't fully follow the therapy, because the last few weeks I've been 'with one leg in my grave', as my therapist described. Well, guess what, I've literally been for many years now. But that doesn't mean I don't wanna try to fix this shit, I just don't know how to do it anymore. I've tried so much for years, nothing works. I have to be realistic that maybe nothing will work, so yes I have to work on another plan. Doesn't mean I'm gonna do it next week.
Therapists just can accept the fact that this world is not made for some people and that they can't save everyone, and it's so damn frustrating at moments like this. I just want someone to understand me, instead of judge me. The longer this takes and the more I try (and fails), the harder it gets to keep fighting. I'm not ready to give up yet, I'm not. But don't expect me to win from the depression every single day, because some days depression wins. And that's it. It's not an excuse. It's not a choice. It's just how depression works.
I told them if they expect me to be able to fight this 24/7, that I can not do that and indeed maybe I should quit and leave. Also they make a huge thing out of this 1 time it went wrong. It's like they forget about the 99 other times I did actually ask them for help, that I did fight very hard. It went wrong a few months ago as well, and the exact same thing happend. It just hurts a lot... I wish they would understand what it is to feel this way for so many years. You do lose hope, every day I lose hope a tiny bit more. And that's not because I WANT to.
But damn, why can't they just understand that it's not a choice to be suicidal, they think I sometimes use my depression as an 'excuse' to feel and act like I do. They clearly haven't been depressed and suicidal themselves for almost 6 years straight.
It just hurts me a lot. This weekend I had an extremely bad weekend. With lots op depression and lots of suicidal thoughts and making plans, things like that, I and I was not able to get out of my bed for more than a few hours. And than today I talk about it with my therapist and they are like 'do you think you can continue the treatment this way?' It's the second time since I'm here that this happens, I feel at my WORST and they are like 'you aren't committed enough' yeah well fuck, I am committed but I can't be like that literally 24/7 with a depression like this.
Some days depression wins, most of the days I win. But there are days that my depression wins it all. And that's NOT a damn choise I make. It's NOT an excuse. No one can fight a severe depression 24/7 for 6 years. Please don't expect that from me. It's not fair, it's not realistic. IT'S NOT.
Yes I have plans, I wanna have a 'plan b' for when this fails. And yes, I wanna think about it now, I wanna figure out my way now, because I won't have time for that when it comes to the point that I choose to leave. But I do not choose to go at the moment. But than they think I can't fully follow the therapy, because the last few weeks I've been 'with one leg in my grave', as my therapist described. Well, guess what, I've literally been for many years now. But that doesn't mean I don't wanna try to fix this shit, I just don't know how to do it anymore. I've tried so much for years, nothing works. I have to be realistic that maybe nothing will work, so yes I have to work on another plan. Doesn't mean I'm gonna do it next week.
Therapists just can accept the fact that this world is not made for some people and that they can't save everyone, and it's so damn frustrating at moments like this. I just want someone to understand me, instead of judge me. The longer this takes and the more I try (and fails), the harder it gets to keep fighting. I'm not ready to give up yet, I'm not. But don't expect me to win from the depression every single day, because some days depression wins. And that's it. It's not an excuse. It's not a choice. It's just how depression works.
I told them if they expect me to be able to fight this 24/7, that I can not do that and indeed maybe I should quit and leave. Also they make a huge thing out of this 1 time it went wrong. It's like they forget about the 99 other times I did actually ask them for help, that I did fight very hard. It went wrong a few months ago as well, and the exact same thing happend. It just hurts a lot... I wish they would understand what it is to feel this way for so many years. You do lose hope, every day I lose hope a tiny bit more. And that's not because I WANT to.