Uninfluential_Karma
Rat Cult Leader
- Aug 5, 2024
- 86
I hate how when I tell the people closest to me that I don't want to live they automatically blame themselves. It's always the people who have done the best for me too. I get that there are things they could do, but ultimately CTBing is my choice. My mother and my best friend do this the most whenever I express how I feel. Are they stupid? Are they just trying to take the blame away from me so they can control the situation? In a strange way, I want to have the most credit for fucking myself up. I could've done so much better but I just don't.
Another thing that really sucks is that they tell me how much it would hurt them if I died. I believe that but they don't try to help me much either when I try to give them suggestions on how to help. I think that's why they blame themselves maybe. I just get told that if I die, they'll blame themselves forever and never recover. I get it must be hard, but it's also hard for me to live. Put very bluntly and selfishly, I just don't want to think about how they feel. I've stopped caring about basically everything I should but it's not like I chose this. I tell them this in the softest way I know how, but they still keep saying things about it anyway. My father had possibly a worse reaction a few years back, he started out as the same but then basically told me to kms. I don't know what I want, but I hate both of these reactions. Maybe it would be best if they supported me neutrally, trying to comfort me and not telling me what I should or shouldn't do. I don't know.
Kind of unrelated, but does anyone know what the rules to reporting suicidal ideation is? I want to tell my therapist about my last attempts, but I don't know if she'd force me to a mental hospital. It was a traumatizing experience to try to die, and I want to talk through it, but I don't know if it's too soon where I could get locked up. If it helps any, I still want to CTB, but I'm not in an active state anymore and it might take awhile for me to purposely try to kill my self.
Another thing that really sucks is that they tell me how much it would hurt them if I died. I believe that but they don't try to help me much either when I try to give them suggestions on how to help. I think that's why they blame themselves maybe. I just get told that if I die, they'll blame themselves forever and never recover. I get it must be hard, but it's also hard for me to live. Put very bluntly and selfishly, I just don't want to think about how they feel. I've stopped caring about basically everything I should but it's not like I chose this. I tell them this in the softest way I know how, but they still keep saying things about it anyway. My father had possibly a worse reaction a few years back, he started out as the same but then basically told me to kms. I don't know what I want, but I hate both of these reactions. Maybe it would be best if they supported me neutrally, trying to comfort me and not telling me what I should or shouldn't do. I don't know.
Kind of unrelated, but does anyone know what the rules to reporting suicidal ideation is? I want to tell my therapist about my last attempts, but I don't know if she'd force me to a mental hospital. It was a traumatizing experience to try to die, and I want to talk through it, but I don't know if it's too soon where I could get locked up. If it helps any, I still want to CTB, but I'm not in an active state anymore and it might take awhile for me to purposely try to kill my self.
