Venting Why do my friends and lover make me cry myself to sleep every night?

[poisontree]

None of my relationships would stay intact unless i stopped chasing, and becoming a total doormat to fix it. They'd leave me all alone while accuse me of doing that, things about how I'm so distant and they don't recognize me anymore. I am still trying to be sweet as I can be even if they treat me like shit. my boyfriend insulting my apperance, groveling at me when i feel bad about it, telling me im actually gorgeous and then ignoring me when i try to speak more on it after i forgive him. he also suddenly doesnt want to do anything with me anymore, or anything at all. hes suicidal too so i understand him but he would get mad at me if i did the same and didnt want to do anything. whenever we agree to do something he would act like i am torturing him so i eventually stopped asking for a while, he gets so angry at that, and then i go back to initiating almost everything, and nothing changes its like im still his tormentor. i never ever pressure him to do anything he doesnt want to so i dont understand.

my friend wont stop getting angry over me not explaining every little thing that might indicate that im not well, which might sound great, but its ridiculous when they accused me of being secrety, because i dont know how to talk about something, that i dont open up to them anyore. when i all i did was turn them down like, one time. its like he wants to rip my guts out and look at everything inside. after an overblown argument today i ended up being the one groveling for forgiveness that i shouldve just said what was wrong and that im sorry that i reply to their messages every 5 hours. this happens every 2-3 days im not even exaggerating. i do know theyre just trying to help but it doesnt because this shit happens.

my other friend is so nice to me theyre always there for me they love to hang out with me they dont force me to tell them anything.

Spoiler: inappropiate touch

but i keep flashing back to how they molested me in highschool feeling up my ribcage and spine treating me like a freakshow and making me feel as though theres something wrong with me.

everything on here feels so gross and like a belt buckle on my neck making me a bitch doormat to all of my friends

i dont know how i forgot i am completely alone in this world no ones fucking normal and i cant make new friends cause im an ugly freak with no life or social skill my boyfriend would get mad at me for it anyway whats the fucking point whats the fucking point im just a puppet to these people all the more reson to fucking kill myself

i clawed the shit out of my arms and abdomen from frustration today now tonight im crying like an idiot i know im not perfect i feel like i deserve all of this for being a weakwilled imbecile

 

[bandoscii]

OP I'm so sorry you're being treated this way by your friend and boyfriend. You don't deserve this at all

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

That's not friends, or lover's, that's toxic, unhealthy relationships.

Work on stop being a people pleaser, focus on yourself, and friendships will improve. Focus on loving yourself.

You will find better friends, and people in general to be around is what I mean, because right now, these are not your friends and are stomping all over your boundaries, which is unacceptable. One day you'll wake up and see that, and ask yourself why you allowed this to happen.

I know it's hard to get out of these patterns, but you can. It is possible. Start to teach yourself healthy boundaries, and respect for you, and you'll grow as a person.

It takes time and hard work, but it can be done. The first step is showing others you will not allow them to disrespect you, so the word 'no', and 'I'm not standing for this'. You do not need to explain yourself to anyone.

All the best, I know how tough this is. I've been there, many times and I know how awful it is, but trust me, you CAN do it. I believe in you!