Venting Why do I still caring about my future if I am going to die

[shironeko]

I've suffered a lot, and tried to end my life a few times. But I failed every time because of lacking courage to do it, or the method simply does not work.

I tried to hang myself, tried overdosing, and jumping out of a window. I had enough pain in my life but I just can't do it. And each time after I tried, I'm still trying to work hard just for a little hope. I really don't know why.

I am so tired, but I still don't want to suspend my study. I gave up on hope, but I'm still looking for a job to let me have a future. This is ridiculous right?

But I'm tried of trying. I really want to have SN in my hand so next time I won't fail, but after I knew SN as a method, my home country banned it for individual use. Life is always being like this for me. It's just like someone playing on me, make me work hard, and took everything I had.

I found a source yesterday. I'm ready to pay for it. Then I panicked, about welfare check. I know I probably won't use it right away after I received it. And being in psych ward will be a nightmare.

I don't know why do I care about the future. I hope I have the courage to die right away but I just can't.

I am so tired…

 

[Plentiful_Despair]

At some point you stop caring. I don't care anymore for anything beyond the current day.

 

[shironeko]

At some point you stop caring. I don't care anymore for anything beyond the current day.

My entire life is chased by some invisible force.
If I'm gonna live, I must get things settled, which means I could not stop planning and worrying.

I tried to forget everything but I can't. I need to work for a living eventually, and I cannot get back to my home country of which the society tortured me like their toys. When I have some hope, I was just wanted to live a peaceful life with love and no pressure.

Maybe it's the world that wants me dead but I kept disobeying their will. As a consequence, I need to suffer. I hope sometimes I will not care about anything and get all stuff I needed to leave this disgusting world.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't think it's ridiculous at all to keep your options open. Unless we are 100% sure that we want to die on a certain date and we're 100% sure our method will work- and we probably can't be sure of either then- more than one pathway is ahead of us. And- life requires money, which requires a job.

I know some people kind of strategically make life so terrible for themselves that suicide becomes their only option. Personally though, I wouldn't want to commit in that desperate and likely destitute state. I don't want to feel like CTB is my last, terrible option. I want to do it knowing it was a calm choice.

Plus, not meaning to hurt you but- if you have had the experience of failed attempts (which must have been really distressing- I'm sorry,) then you know that there is that inherent possibility and it's surely better not to have burnt all your bridges if you need to struggle on. So, it makes sense to me.

I'm putting effort into life. Not recovery anymore but, enough to tread water as it were because although I do feel pretty certain I want to CTB, I know I can't do it now. (While my Dad is still alive.)

 

[J'sSister]

My entire life is chased by some invisible force.

Have you considered that this invisible force may be God? That maybe God doesn't want you to die yet?

 

[apearl]

I have been confused about the same situation myself, I am an A/B university student even though I am planning to ctb this year. My guess on why I keep trying is two things, the first one is that there is always a chance that the attempt will fail and then you'll be stuck in your living situation for a bit so might as well make the best of it. And secondly, maybe there is some hope (or anxiety) unconsciously in your mind that keeps your motivation to keep up with your studies going.

 

[willitpass]

I try my best to do the same. I've failed things that should have absolutely killed me too many times to want to fall complacent. If you try but you fail then you still have a life set up for you. If you give it all up and fail then you're not only trapped in life but you're trapped in an even worse one.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I personally have a rough date when I want to ctb. But until then, life goes on. If something happens to change my mind, I will welcome it - although I highly doubt it, life is absolutely meaningless to me and I doubt I will discover any meaning, I've already spent years trying and nothing has happened so far. When I make my attempt, I will still have my belongings around me in case something goes wrong so I wouldn't have to start from zero.

SI is difficut to override so it's natural to have thoughts like you are having. Maybe you're not completely ready for ctb-ing yet and that is okay. You will know when and if you are. Until then, maybe you can have your chosen method stashed away somewhere as a backup, so you know that it's there if anything, and that will give you peace of mind.

 

[shironeko]

My depressive period has passed.
But I still want to hit that transfer button and get my SN immediately.

Now I learned that, death is my desire. And I don't want to live but to disappear like I've never existed.

Planned to travel back to my home, to deal with some visa issue, and then get all things I needed except for SN, which will ship directly to my apartment. (It's so ironic that in a famous country for various SN sources I cannot even get my own SN)

I don't care about welfare check anymore. I just want to have some control of my miserable life. At least I can die in anytime after I got my kits.