Venting Why do I have to live

[sheleftme1]

This entire thing is stupid man. I'm just sitting in my head knowing that my life will literally never be what I wanted it to be. I lost the love of my life and she just moved on as if I was nobody. And God doesn't even care…and the idea of Heaven doesn't even make sense to me anymore because how can there be a haven without that love. I'm so confused and I don't want to hurt myself but I truly just don't want to do life. This is just fucking stupid

 

[day]

Sorry life has been so cruel to you OP. I wish you the best moving forward..

 

[dreamscape1111]

Because Infinity/Reality would be incomplete without you.

 

[sheleftme1]

Because Infinity/Reality would be incomplete without you.

And apparently infinite didn't think a happy fulfilled version of me would be better. All I wanted was to just be happy in love

 

[regal20]

In love you will not find either permanent or true happiness. It's a delusion.

 

[sheleftme1]

In love you will not find either permanent or true happiness. It's a delusion.

Then I have no reason to be alive because that is the only thing that I truly want. And don't tell me wants vs needs… life is fucked up. You can't make me into the unique person with desires for certain things and expect me to be just ok with being alive. There is absolutely no point to conscious desire if the things we want aren't part of us. To me that is what I want and without it life is empty and meaningless. I'm the same way a some women find no meaning in a life without the ability to have children. It's not delusional it's a personal desire… it's what I want and desire is part of passion which is part of purpose which is part of meaning…

 

[アホペンギン]

Im sorry this happened to you, the love of your life was a bad person, obviously. I can't give much advice concerning relationships because i haven't been in a stable one myself, but all i can tell you is that you should still try to hold on, you don't want to hurt yourself so i think you should try to recover from your problems, (if you can, that is.) I can assure you that you will find the right person, if you search enough. I can see how the removal of the love of your life from your life has affected you. If i was in your shoes, i'd also feel the same as you. I send you my best regards and i wish you the best of luck. :)

 

[sheleftme1]

Im sorry this happened to you, the love of your life was a bad person, obviously. I can't give much advice concerning relationships because i haven't been in a stable one myself, but all i can tell you is that you should still try to hold on, you don't want to hurt yourself so i think you should try to recover from your problems, (if you can, that is.) I can assure you that you will find the right person, if you search enough. I can see how the removal of the love of your life from your life has affected you. If i was in your shoes, i'd also feel the same as you. I send you my best regards and i wish you the best of luck. :)

Unfortunately I'll never recover and while I don't want to hurt myself I don't want to live either. This world just isn't good. I don't know if anybody else knows a better way of describing this but my soul hurts. It's a deep ache in my heart not just from the heartbreak but from the world. There is no one else I'd rather be with and yet there is no way I'll ever get her back. I appreciate the hopefulness but truthfully it's wasted on me as I'll never be truly ok with my life without her.

 

[FuneralCry]

I could never believe that there is a God, I just think that existence is endless suffering and senseless cruelty with no deeper purpose behind it. But anyway existence truly is so cruel and I think it's such a dreadful world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own, I just see having the ability to exist as being a terrible thing in general as there is unlimited potential to suffer endlessly, it must be so painful what you are going through.

And I believe that nobody should have to continue suffering if they don't wish to, it would be inhumane expecting one to stay here and suffer against their wishes, I just find it so awful how suicide is purposely made so difficult.

 

[love_peep]

I'm sorry for you, I'm sorry that you have to go through this right now, but love is a strange thing, it can both make happy and mortally wound. Everything in this world is so complicated. To be honest, I myself have not fully understood the meaning of suffering here because it infuriates me that people here suffer so much. It feels like there is nothing else in this world besides suffering, how everything is fucked up. I'm sorry for the harsh words, but I can tolerate this world, I don't understand it.

 

[sheleftme1]

I could never believe that there is a God, I just think that existence is endless suffering and senseless cruelty with no deeper purpose behind it. But anyway existence truly is so cruel and I think it's such a dreadful world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own, I just see having the ability to exist as being a terrible thing in general as there is unlimited potential to suffer endlessly, it must be so painful what you are going through.

And I believe that nobody should have to continue suffering if they don't wish to, it would be inhumane expecting one to stay here and suffer against their wishes, I just find it so awful how suicide is purposely made so difficult.

I believe there is a God. I'm not sure why but I do. I just don't understand the cruelty. I'm confused all of the time… I genuinely tried to do the right things and be good and I kept messing up. I even tried to learn ton beat those mishaps but losing her was the only thing that I could not handle.

I'm sorry for you, I'm sorry that you have to go through this right now, but love is a strange thing, it can both make happy and mortally wound. Everything in this world is so complicated. To be honest, I myself have not fully understood the meaning of suffering here because it infuriates me that people here suffer so much. It feels like there is nothing else in this world besides suffering, how everything is fucked up. I'm sorry for the harsh words, but I can tolerate this world, I don't understand it.

It's ok I feel harsh words are necessary. I genuinely am confused by what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not perfect but I tried to be better every day. I don't understand purpose because I always felt like passions would guide me to where I'm supposed to be. Sometimes I make excuses for God like suffering worse than mine would have to be npcs and this is some personal test but I don't know man it's killing my soul. I can't even explain the soul but the way this ache is so deep I know it's something there. And how could there be a heaven with no Rachel and if she is there then what if she creates a family in the future how is that heaven? And if we just stop existing after this then I went through this torture for no reason? I just wish we had more answers because I genuinely tried man. And people say stop comparing my life to others but in the same breath say others have it worse. I hear and try to listen to people but everything is contradictory and I'm literally going insane. I hate myself for not being who she wants. I hate myself for ruining my chances with her. So what lesson can I learn from torture. What destination can this lead me to? I just don't get it…,

 

[love_peep]

It's ok I feel harsh words are necessary. I genuinely am confused by what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not perfect but I tried to be better every day. I don't understand purpose because I always felt like passions would guide me to where I'm supposed to be. Sometimes I make excuses for God like suffering worse than mine would have to be npcs and this is some personal test but I don't know man it's killing my soul. I can't even explain the soul but the way this ache is so deep I know it's something there. And how could there be a heaven with no Rachel and if she is there then what if she creates a family in the future how is that heaven? And if we just stop existing after this then I went through this torture for no reason? I just wish we had more answers because I genuinely tried man. And people say stop comparing my life to others but in the same breath say others have it worse. I hear and try to listen to people but everything is contradictory and I'm literally going insane. I hate myself for not being who she wants. I hate myself for ruining my chances with her. So what lesson can I learn from torture. What destination can this lead me to? I just don't get it…,

I was told many times that I would compare my life with someone else's, but it only annoyed me because I can't enjoy life, I'll be in apathy and depression and with a bunch of loans, it makes sense for me to continue living if I don't even have relatives in my 19 I'm completely alone and no one wants what the hell is wrong with this world.

 

[dreamscape1111]

a happy fulfilled version of me would be better. All I wanted was to just be happy in love

Sometimes it seems like you're being denied something, but in reality, you're just being guided to something better.

God's Love is such that It wants for you what you want for you, God's Love is unconditional, It's utter Oneness, Perfection, no exclusion or bias toward one thing being better than another thing.
We are kept in the role of creators, there's no separation between God and creation, Life and God are one.

Now, God can create Heaven or hell on earth, the choice in every situation is very simple: fear or Love?
The power within you is more powerful than the power in the world, you're using your power right now to imagine that you're powerless.
That's how powerful you are.

You fully deserve happiness, dear, what makes you believe that happiness is out of reach for you?

 

[sheleftme1]

Sometimes it seems like you're being denied something, but in reality, you're just being guided to something better.

God's Love is such that It wants for you what you want for you, God's Love is unconditional, It's utter Oneness, Perfection, no exclusion or bias toward one thing being better than another thing.
We are kept in the role of creators, there's no separation between God and creation, Life and God are one.

Now, God can create Heaven or hell on earth, the choice in every situation is very simple: fear or Love?
The power within you is more powerful than the power in the world, you're using your power right now to imagine that you're powerless.
That's how powerful you are.

You fully deserve happiness, dear, what makes you believe that happiness is out of reach for you?

Gods love doesn't seem unconditional. It doesn't make sense for it to be. I can't keep making excuses for god and it's not something I want to feel but nothing makes sense. If someone hurts you and you give them multiple chances to change and they don't then at a certain point you give up on them. God has lost my trust and I've tried to figure out why I feel that way… I don't know if I'm supposed to be ok being abused by the world. Happiness it out of my reach simply because I fell in love with someone that I lost and she chooses to live life without me. And that's within her rights but that has broken the last bit of will I had to fight.

 

[dreamscape1111]

I don't know if I'm supposed to be ok being abused by the world.

Absolutely not, true Love sets boundaries and is able to cut out bullies and toxic people by standing up for itself.
Leaving an abusive situation is masculine love in action, feminine love is very beautiful, both have their pros and cons, but one of its weaknesses is that it often allows itself to be walked all over.

God has lost my trust and I've tried to figure out why I feel that way

Because we're talking about two difference versions of God! I'm not talking about a dualistic God, but the actual Nondualistic version, Perfect Love and Oneness.
God Is All That Is, not someone sitting above you, you are God/Consciousness experiencing yourself as a human! God is not separate from you, Its looking through your eyes right now. ;)

I fell in love with someone that I lost and she chooses to live life without me

Only what's meant to be will happen, trust in this, open up to life, breathe deeply, and sit in silence with all your hurt.
In truth, nothing outside of ourselves can really deeply fulfill us anyways, maybe you're being shown that by this rather difficult situation.

If we aren't able to be at peace with ourselves first and seek a relationship out of a sense of lack, then both parties won't live up to their full potential.
I totally understand that though... I'm a total romantic and tend to get lost in fantasies about relationships before anything even started happening, rude awakenings are part of life though.
Embrace Life's fierce grace and listen to its guidance, it'll lead to a life well lived. All the answers are inside of us.

When did this happen if you don't mind sharing? How are you feeling now? Have your feelings changed in any way ever since?

 

[sheleftme1]

Absolutely not, true Love sets boundaries and is able to cut out bullies and toxic people by standing up for itself.
Leaving an abusive situation is masculine love in action, feminine love is very beautiful, both have their pros and cons, but one of its weaknesses is that it often allows itself to be walked all over.


Because we're talking about two difference versions of God! I'm not talking about a dualistic God, but the actual Nondualistic version, Perfect Love and Oneness.
God Is All That Is, not someone sitting above you, you are God/Consciousness experiencing yourself as a human! God is not separate from you, Its looking through your eyes right now. ;)


Only what's meant to be will happen, trust in this, open up to life, breathe deeply, and sit in silence with all your hurt.
In truth, nothing outside of ourselves can really deeply fulfill us anyways, maybe you're being shown that by this rather difficult situation.

If we aren't able to be at peace with ourselves first and seek a relationship out of a sense of lack, then both parties won't live up to their full potential.
I totally understand that though... I'm a total romantic and tend to get lost in fantasies about relationships before anything even started happening, rude awakenings are part of life though.
Embrace Life's fierce grace and listen to its guidance, it'll lead to a life well lived. All the answers are inside of us.

When did this happen if you don't mind sharing? How are you feeling now? Have your feelings changed in any way ever since?

I don't think of dualism in God either. The fact remains the same the world is abusing me. Not the relationship abuse the life is just abusing me. I can't take anymore of this. Yes I respect her boundaries to not have to love me just because I love her… but that's the point I'm making. What is the pint of me feeling this strongly if it's not meant to be or whatever saying anyone is going to throw at me. I have fought through all the other bull shit that has happened in my life and for it to come to literally this crazy ass horrible situation is just beyond my imagination and way beyond my capacity to see meaning in. I'd literally rather suffer through cancer. This happened march 3. I can't get her back.

 

[dreamscape1111]

This happened march 3. I can't get her back.

Open up, breathe fully, relax your jaw, hug yourself, and cry lots.

You're fighting with reality, and that war is impossible to win.
We suffer more in imagination than in reality, see.
Whenever we say something should be other than what it actually is, we're creating our own hell.
Loving what is is the cure, you don't have to like it, it's just easier if you do.
Arguing with reality means tension, depression, anger, and apathy.
Loving what is equals peace, love, enthusiasm, and unstoppableness.

The choice is yours, much love, dear friend. <3

 

[sheleftme1]

Open up, breathe fully, relax your jaw, hug yourself, and cry lots.

You're fighting with reality, and that war is impossible to win.
We suffer more in imagination than in reality, see.
Whenever we say something should be other than what it actually is, we're creating our own hell.
Loving what is is the cure, you don't have to like it, it's just easier if you do.
Arguing with reality means tension, depression, anger, and apathy.
Loving what is equals peace, love, enthusiasm, and unstoppableness.

The choice is yours, much love, dear friend. <3

As much as this is right it's not going to happen. I loved her and that's now gone and I'm not ok. I would have rather died