Venting Why do I force myself to go to sex club, when I really don't want to?

[Nexvyr]

Sorry for my bad English (half of the text is translated using Google Translate) and for writing so much.

Why do I go to sex clubs over and over again even though it's against my Christian faith, I'm asexual and I don't really want to have sex?

It mostly happens that someone drags me along to have sex in a secluded room, after which I'm pretty passive.

I often feel in the moment as if I'm going on autopilot or "leaving my body".

Growing up, I was abused, both by my parents (for short periods) and classmates, saw my mother being abused a few times by my father, was possibly raped by a teacher assistant at the age of 8 (I don't remember for sure though, it could be a fabricated memory) and had my pants pulled down by older students in public in the schoolyard at the age of 8.

I wrote and asked ChatGPT about this, who believes that this has become a kind of self-harming behavior. A little over 4 years ago, when I was 14, I used to cut myself with razor blades or heat keys with a lighter and press them against my wrists, but I managed to stop doing that and feel better for a while. However, I now often feel worse again, especially now during the winter, and sometimes miss the sweet relaxing feeling that it gave me. However, I have managed to resist this lately, which I think is positive.

My feelings have now gotten so far during the winter that I yesterday attempted suicide by partially suspended hanging, but chickened out when I was almost about to pass out. If I had succeeded, that would been a very simple solution to all my problems. Many people answer with the usual "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem", but I genuinely don't think that's true for me. I really feel that I get no pleasure/pleasure from living and that I don't mean anything to anyone else. Therefore, suicide would be the best solution.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Actually, I just want to vent and hear someone else's thoughts on it. Why do you think I go to a sex club, when it doesn't give me anything?

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

Sorry for my bad English (half of the text is translated using Google Translate) and for writing so much.

Why do I go to sex clubs over and over again even though it's against my Christian faith, I'm asexual and I don't really want to have sex?

It mostly happens that someone drags me along to have sex in a secluded room, after which I'm pretty passive.

I often feel in the moment as if I'm going on autopilot or "leaving my body".

Growing up, I was abused, both by my parents (for short periods) and classmates, saw my mother being abused a few times by my father, was possibly raped by a teacher assistant at the age of 8 (I don't remember for sure though, it could be a fabricated memory) and had my pants pulled down by older students in public in the schoolyard at the age of 8.

I wrote and asked ChatGPT about this, who believes that this has become a kind of self-harming behavior. A little over 4 years ago, when I was 14, I used to cut myself with razor blades or heat keys with a lighter and press them against my wrists, but I managed to stop doing that and feel better for a while. However, I now often feel worse again, especially now during the winter, and sometimes miss the sweet relaxing feeling that it gave me. However, I have managed to resist this lately, which I think is positive.

My feelings have now gotten so far during the winter that I yesterday attempted suicide by partially suspended hanging, but chickened out when I was almost about to pass out. If I had succeeded, that would been a very simple solution to all my problems. Many people answer with the usual "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem", but I genuinely don't think that's true for me. I really feel that I get no pleasure/pleasure from living and that I don't mean anything to anyone else. Therefore, suicide would be the best solution.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Actually, I just want to vent and hear someone else's thoughts on it. Why do you think I go to a sex club, when it doesn't give me anything?

Familiarity or comfort from your lifelong abuse

 

[ipmanwc0]

Our instincts aren't rational. People who are traumatized (PTSD) are known to self sabotage.

 

[fedup1982]

Yes I'd say don't go to the sex club if you don't get anything out of it. I'm sorry you're going through this.

As for suicide though, society doesn't give a fuck that we don't want to live. Especially if it's more a neutral stance of "i dont enjoy anything", society worldwide expects us to persevere. Even if you're suffering unbearably, most countries won't offer euthanasia.

I hate it

 

[Seneca65AD]

IMO - human beings are a very simple species. Strip away the suits, cars, planes and fancy titles, we are organisms which try to avoid pain and move towards pleasure - although generally pain avoidance takes precedence.....and it's the pain avoidance (or pain mitigation) which could explain you going to clubs.

I am not a psychologist.....but a possible explanation is your statement I often feel in the moment as if I'm going on autopilot or "leaving my body". If a person is in pain (emotional or physical), then the absence of pain can feel like pleasure for a while. Based on your history, you already know you can go to the clubs, feel disassociative and therefore feel less pain. You may feel shame or guilt after but those feelings are not as severe as the emotional trauma which takes you to the club in the first place.

Of course my opinion and a euro will get you a cup of coffee so take it for what it's worth. Try not to be too hard on yourself - you experienced trauma that I can't even imagine so give yourself a break.

 

[ElTopo]

Sorry for my bad English (half of the text is translated using Google Translate) and for writing so much.

Why do I go to sex clubs over and over again even though it's against my Christian faith, I'm asexual and I don't really want to have sex?

It mostly happens that someone drags me along to have sex in a secluded room, after which I'm pretty passive.

I often feel in the moment as if I'm going on autopilot or "leaving my body".

Growing up, I was abused, both by my parents (for short periods) and classmates, saw my mother being abused a few times by my father, was possibly raped by a teacher assistant at the age of 8 (I don't remember for sure though, it could be a fabricated memory) and had my pants pulled down by older students in public in the schoolyard at the age of 8.

I wrote and asked ChatGPT about this, who believes that this has become a kind of self-harming behavior. A little over 4 years ago, when I was 14, I used to cut myself with razor blades or heat keys with a lighter and press them against my wrists, but I managed to stop doing that and feel better for a while. However, I now often feel worse again, especially now during the winter, and sometimes miss the sweet relaxing feeling that it gave me. However, I have managed to resist this lately, which I think is positive.

My feelings have now gotten so far during the winter that I yesterday attempted suicide by partially suspended hanging, but chickened out when I was almost about to pass out. If I had succeeded, that would been a very simple solution to all my problems. Many people answer with the usual "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem", but I genuinely don't think that's true for me. I really feel that I get no pleasure/pleasure from living and that I don't mean anything to anyone else. Therefore, suicide would be the best solution.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Actually, I just want to vent and hear someone else's thoughts on it. Why do you think I go to a sex club, when it doesn't give me anything?

Abuse victims tend to respond to the trauma by engaging with sex in exaggerated or problematic ways, there is nothing really wrong with you, it's pretty normal I think. It may also be a reason why you shut sex off in your "normal" life. I'm religious too but the shame with which sex is associated in more secular Christianity is probably not the best to work this out, it's understandable why you don't want to work this out too, it's a very scary beast to confront, it may make you feel worse than what you feel like now, to dive into this, but there is light at the end I think. I really like the view on sex that an Orthodox priest I once listened to had, he simply said "it is a great and enjoyable thing and that's why it has to be approached with care and understanding". It may be self-harming behavior or it could be a very instinctual and undeveloped way to attack the trauma.

Also asking ChatGPT for any kind of help isn't really a good move although it's easy to give in to that when you have no one.