Discussion Why do i feel worse when i’m better?

[abruptum]

I have an odd feeling inside of me, when i want to ctb and my days are consumed by the thought of me leaving this awful planet i feel bad of course
but on days where i don't have my days almost completely consumed by the thought of suicide and i'm just doing goal oriented tasks to get through my day i feel worse
it's like getting rid of the idea that i could leave this awful place makes me feel worse because now i realize i have to stick around and deal with the bullshit of this world.
Right now i'm trying to live for people and make sure i stay here for them and can give them the support they need, and it's so hard to think of my life as good as i'm alive rather than thinking of death
does anyone else get this feeling or am i just crazy?

 

[Fin]

You're feeling worse because the task of living for other people doesn't directly benefit you, but the people you live for. You're not doing it for yourself, but as an obligation, which puts additional pressure on you. When you dream of suicide, that idea is directed at you and aimed to relieve the exact pressure you're facing by living a self-imposed life. What I'd say to you seeing that you're trying to find ways to recover is to be more self-oriented and set goals where you are the main (or the only) beneficiary. Something that feels worth-living and enjoyable in and by itself, and not through other people's reaction or feedback. Don't be afraid to be a little selfish, it doesn't harm anyone but could help you live more for yourself and less for your environment.

 

[the_final_countdown]

Suicidal ideation is a coping mechanism that helps relieve the prospect of long-term pain. It fools your brain, temporarily allowing you to handle every single problem life throws at you.

Dad died? No problem. I'm going to die soon. Pain won't last long.

Suicidal ideation brings relief because the thought of feeling this way daily for decades is unbearable.

Lost my health? In constant, unrelenting pain? No problem. I'm gonna die next week.

Most people on here probably won't kill themselves. They're all just overwhelmed by life's problems to the point where they can hardly function.

 

[mittensxx]

You're definitely not alone in feeling this way. I almost feel like being in a really dark place brings me more peace and comfort than just living a "normal" day.
I'm still trying to find a reason to live for myself rather than other people. If I figure it out, maybe my mental state will improve too.
But you're right, the idea of working 9to5 for the next 30ish years, paying mortgages etc isn't exactly appealing (not to me anyway).

 

[nopointofliving]

To me, today was a better day relatively. I could study for sometime. Pictures from my memory flash before my eyes making me regret my today's small progress. I don't want to let my pain go. I want to remember my ex bf forever, I want to be drown in this pain. I don't think you're alone feeling so. Sending hugs and love to you

 

[BandAddict]

Yeah. It's uncomfortable to feel any semblance of "good" or to stray too far from the way I usually am—which is very depressed and suicidal. It feels wrong and like I'm indulging in something I shouldn't have. Then I start to worry about others' expectations of me rising since I'm not completely defeated by my mind. It also distresses me because I start to question whether or not I actually have any problems?? And to top it all off, I wonder "what if I stay at this baseline for some time? What if I can't bring myself to CTB when the time comes?"

It's a fucking headache. And it's dumb because I hate feeling so horrible and like shit all the time, but I can't even feel at peace when the intensity of those thoughts and feelings subside. Like, what the fuck do I do?? I hate it all.

 

[Birthinjune]

To me, today was a better day relatively. I could study for sometime. Pictures from my memory flash before my eyes making me regret my today's small progress. I don't want to let my pain go. I want to remember my ex bf forever, I want to be drown in this pain. I don't think you're alone feeling so. Sending hugs and love to you

I feel this. My partner committed suicide a few months ago. It feels like a betrayal to feel better (not that I do), but in those rare moments where you're not consumed by intrusive thoughts.

It feels different than being afraid of letting go of depression, which I've experienced (mild to severe) as long as I can remember. That is a fear of, who am I if I am no longer experiencing this. It defines you.

Fear of letting pain go is the same as fear of forgetting my partner. He experienced a lot of mental anguish. For me to forget that for one moment feels like I'm forgetting him.