I'm sorry if all my posts are annoying. I have no one irl to talk to that can really understand the pain and this site is like a personal diary for me. I think a part of me wants to look at these one day and say "man I'm so glad I figured out my life" but I know that won't happen. And that's why I'm planning to ctb on my birthday! Anyways.
I absolutely hate that I fall so attached to people that give me even the slightest bit of attention. It's like I fall in love with them right then and there and I hyper-fixate on them. It's not healthy. I wish I could hyper-fixate on myself but nah lol.
I care so much about a group of people that are so obviously using me as a void filler. I think what hurts the most is that these friends yoyo me so badly and don't even realize that when I tell them I'm miserable it's because of them. The friendships make me feel really good 2% of the time and the other 98% they make me feel fucking awful. They don't care about me so why the hell do I care so much about them?! Why do I want them to love me so so so badly? It's fucking miserable.
They all dodge the question when I ask to hang out. How stupid do they think I am? I notice they do this everytime I bring it up. Do they think I'm that dumb to not notice?? They always avoid talking about it and I absolutely hate it. What the hell did I do wrong for them to not want to hang out with me but oh look! They are hanging out with other people no problem. I bet when they have to ditch those people they reschedule with them but they haven't even tried to reschedule with me. I wish they would initiate wanting to hang out with me but they don't like me to want to do that. They just need me around so they can have a person to vent to. What's wrong with me?
My one friend treats me like a void filler but is also really good at making me feel like I'm his best friend. I know I'm not. I don't even have his number which is another thing I've noticed he avoids besides hanging out. We hung out once and he was really weird afterwards with me. The energy just wasn't the same. He then invited me to a party where again something just felt off. Maybe a gut feeling. Idk what it is but things just feel different irl. YET when we message each other on instagram things feel amazing!! I truly feel like I'm his best friend. It's so confusing. Maybe he's mirroring me to make me believe we are so alike so he can keep me believing I'm his best friend and not his security blanket void filler whose only using me because he's lonely. That's not a maybe actually that's just fact.
I'm so aware that I have such awful friends and yet I still want them to want me. I want them to care for me so bad. I want them to love me. I think this stems from me not really having family. My friends are my family. But my friends just see me as their therapist. The worst part? When I ctb on my birthday, I know they'll pretend to care and then go on with their lives in less than a week. They won't even give af. On the brightside I at least get to go away forever and my pain and suffering will end. So who cares what I leave behind. Right?
I absolutely hate that I fall so attached to people that give me even the slightest bit of attention. It's like I fall in love with them right then and there and I hyper-fixate on them. It's not healthy. I wish I could hyper-fixate on myself but nah lol.
I care so much about a group of people that are so obviously using me as a void filler. I think what hurts the most is that these friends yoyo me so badly and don't even realize that when I tell them I'm miserable it's because of them. The friendships make me feel really good 2% of the time and the other 98% they make me feel fucking awful. They don't care about me so why the hell do I care so much about them?! Why do I want them to love me so so so badly? It's fucking miserable.
They all dodge the question when I ask to hang out. How stupid do they think I am? I notice they do this everytime I bring it up. Do they think I'm that dumb to not notice?? They always avoid talking about it and I absolutely hate it. What the hell did I do wrong for them to not want to hang out with me but oh look! They are hanging out with other people no problem. I bet when they have to ditch those people they reschedule with them but they haven't even tried to reschedule with me. I wish they would initiate wanting to hang out with me but they don't like me to want to do that. They just need me around so they can have a person to vent to. What's wrong with me?
My one friend treats me like a void filler but is also really good at making me feel like I'm his best friend. I know I'm not. I don't even have his number which is another thing I've noticed he avoids besides hanging out. We hung out once and he was really weird afterwards with me. The energy just wasn't the same. He then invited me to a party where again something just felt off. Maybe a gut feeling. Idk what it is but things just feel different irl. YET when we message each other on instagram things feel amazing!! I truly feel like I'm his best friend. It's so confusing. Maybe he's mirroring me to make me believe we are so alike so he can keep me believing I'm his best friend and not his security blanket void filler whose only using me because he's lonely. That's not a maybe actually that's just fact.
I'm so aware that I have such awful friends and yet I still want them to want me. I want them to care for me so bad. I want them to love me. I think this stems from me not really having family. My friends are my family. But my friends just see me as their therapist. The worst part? When I ctb on my birthday, I know they'll pretend to care and then go on with their lives in less than a week. They won't even give af. On the brightside I at least get to go away forever and my pain and suffering will end. So who cares what I leave behind. Right?
