Venting Why did I want to make my parents proud?

[kindalone]

Because of the bullshit expectations my parents placed on me, I thought the only way to gain value in this world was to have a university degree. But I was a lazy underachiever. After getting my A-levels, I should have just learned a trade or got an apprenticeship. But I had to try for a university degree over and over again. I'm such an idiot. I couldn't fucking let go. I'm burned out with nothing now.

Why did I want to have my parents approval? They fucking abused me physically and mentally. I was more afraid of them than I loved them. They brought the worst relationship drama into my life. I wished they'd divorce at least 5 times in my life. They tried to abuse and shame my sister, too. What did I expect? My dad only finished 7th grade. Why the fuck did he want me to have a university degree? To brag to his friends? You can't parent for shit. At least, everybody fucking knows it now. Their children are fucking successful. Your kid is a fucking loser.

The worst part is, they did not have to suffer the consequences of their shit parenting. They took care of their life while I'm still a dependent mess. I'm the fucking victim but nobody will acknowledge that because I'm an adult. I should have grown up and made my own decisions. But they didn't raise an adult. They raised a scared kid. A kid, who did not realise that he's digging himself a hole because he wanted his parents' approval and love so fucking desperately, he did not realise he never wanted this shit. Now he's browsing suicide forums while still living under his parents' roof. What a great fucking accomplishment.

Now everybody looks at me with eyes of pity or disgust or both. I'm not human. I'm fucking dirt. All this shit will take a fucking lifetime to erase. Wife? Kids? House? I can be happy if I don't search for leftover food in the fucking trash cans someday. The future my parents' so deseperately wanted for me, is the future they destroyed by being involved with me. It's dead and they killed it.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Why did I want to have my parents approval?

Because abuse fucks with your head and it's a natural ingrained desire anyways. It sounds like the expectations of your milieu were such too, anyways.

I'm sorry about the state of your life. As I already told you I'm In a similar position myself. I'm sure you had some legitimate challenges that interfered with obtaining a "normative" life.

 

[kindalone]

Because abuse fucks with your head and it's a natural ingrained desire anyways. It sounds like the expectations of your milieu were such too, anyways.

I'm sorry about the state of your life. As I already told you I'm In a similar position myself. I'm sure you had some legitimate challenges that interpreted with obtaining a "normative" life.

Thanks for the kind words. Yeah, abuse is fucking evil but so many people attribute it to good results and good parenting. I always thought that I would become a dad and give my kids a different environment. In the end, the best decision is to not become a parent at all. The abused often become abusers themselves.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so incredibly awful what you've been through, it's just so horrible how humans create so much harm, of course it's for the best to never be a parent, there is just no need to create unnecessary suffering by so unfairly bringing life into this world.

 

[Challu]

Literally me. Failed outta college 3 times, got into trades, didnt stick with it, now under parents roof. Passive-agressive ashamed dad. Mom goes for gentle approach but ultimately mirrors him. I'm in my late 20s.

Few weeks until my Motilium comes and I'm outta here.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

In the end, the best decision is to not become a parent at all. The abused often become abusers themselves.

Certainly most people here would agree about not having kids. Some people manage to break the cycle of abuse. Not everyone has the wherewithal. I know it sucks to have life make decisions for you. It's one thing if you actively say you will abstain from children; it's another to have your circumstances impose that choice.