Discussion Why CTB?

[ixkitty]

I sit here sometimes and I wonder, "Why do people want to CTB?"

For me it's simply, I'm too kind. I'm a giver and I don't know how to not give. I give till I bleed and then when I have no more blood... I give some more. I give till there's nothing left of me but a shell of a person but I keep giving. I have tried to give less, I've resorted to lying to get out of giving but then I feel bad for lying. I've tried to tell them I just don't have it or I can't do it.. I've told the truth.. but then they get disappointed in me for not being able to give.

Why would someone as nice as me exist? This world use and abuse it, but here I am.. still giving because I just want to see people happy. At this point it's too farfetched to think I will be able to have happiness and I refuse to be the martyr. Well, I guess I am the martyr in this case. As stupid as this sounds I feel like I'm being killed by kindness... my own kindness.

I digress... if you feel like sharing - please lay it all out there.

 

[Mr2005]

What's wrong with that? I don't see it as a reason to kill yourself. The world needs more people like that. I try but only because what I've done is so unspeakably awful I have no choice

 

[ixkitty]

What's wrong with that? I don't see it as a reason to kill yourself. The world needs more people like that. I try but only because what I've done is so unspeakably awful I have no choice

I completely understand. I'd cherish this person if I found them so they would feel amazing about the sacrifices made. But no one does that. No one thinks about it. If you use the same tool over and over it will ware down and break. I've been worn and I've been broken, but like a good tool I keep being used. I guess it boils down to saying I'm tired. I'm oh so very tired.

 

[Superdeterminist]

• No job. I have a bizarre phobia of job interviews, I can't see myself sitting through another one ever again after a succession of terrible interview experiences, which will doom me. I will literally be homeless before I do another interview, it's that bad. Something's wrong with my brain because that's not logical, but every time I sit through an interview, it's like pure hell, I can't stand it. I want to be able to just go to an interview despite my fears because I know it's so stupid to get so caught up on it, but there's some kind of mental block. Beyond interviews, I just have a terrible mindset regarding work in general, I hate the whole process of having to make a CV and somehow I tell myself that being homeless would be better than working a job I don't enjoy. I hate the idea of just settling for whatever you can get.
• No car, can't drive (don't care much, but it's humiliating when everyone else drives and I don't, plus I hate public transport. I cannot wait for driverless cars.)
• No intimacy
• Really don't want to grow old. If I could succeed with all the above then maybe I could justify getting old.

There are lots of other worries that motivate my desire to ctb but these are by far the main ones.

 

[ixkitty]

• No job. I have a bizarre phobia of job interviews, I can't see myself sitting through another one ever again after a succession of terrible interview experiences, which will doom me. I will literally be homeless before I do another interview, it's that bad. Something's wrong with my brain because that's not logical, but every time I sit through an interview, it's like pure hell, I can't stand it. I want to be able to just go to an interview despite my fears because I know it's so stupid to get so caught up on it, but there's some kind of mental block. Beyond interviews, I just have a terrible mindset regarding work in general, I hate the whole process of having to make a CV and somehow I tell myself that being homeless would be better than working a job I don't enjoy. I hate the idea of just settling for whatever you can get.
• No car, can't drive (don't care much, but it's humiliating when everyone else drives and I don't, plus I hate public transport. I cannot wait for driverless cars.)
• No intimacy
• Really don't want to grow old. If I could succeed with all the above then maybe I could justify getting old.

There are lots of other worries that motivate my desire to ctb but these are by far the main ones.

I see your struggle there. o.o
Interviews scare me but not as a phobia.. I just hate feeling like I'm being judged.. I'm not good enough for this job so they won't pick me.. THEN the waiting process makes me anxious-er (making words up now) so I feel you!

 

[TripleA]

Because when you CTB there is eternal peace and no wory about life misery and pain

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Why would someone as nice as me exist?

I often ask myself this, I am simply too nice and the world is not made for nice people because people take advantage of that and as a male you´re seen as a beta male yet I can´t stop being polite and nice to people.

 

[262653]

That reminds me of some animal species I've hear about not long ago, where individual member of a group might sacrifices itself for the improved chances of survival for the rest of a group. Something about underground animals, like badger maybe.

What I'm saying is kindness and altruism can be beneficial for the group. Recently I read a little about inclusive fitness model (of evolution?) on wiki. The way I understand it is that some time ago a small society with somewhat altruistic people outlasted other small societies where people only cared about themselves. And we happen to be the descendants of somewhat altruistic people

But now we live in huge societies where most people are strangers and have no meaningful contribution to a certain individual.
I don't need to care to survive, only to find enough gold to buy the necessary things from strangers. Altruism sounds great on a larger scale, but not so good for the altruist. It seems to me that in the modern world, being altruistic is much more bad than good.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I feel like a fraud every time I try to do anything remotely productive or useful. My mind feels like it's been split into two separate entities, both of which hate each other's guts. I can't tell the difference between them and I can't even always tell which one I am. No matter which one I am, I always feel like the other me has ruined/is ruining my life so I have to kill him. I'm not CTB'ing because I'm too nice for this world either, I firmly believe I'm too evil for it. I just don't fit in anywhere because I've become so needlessly specific in what I believe that I wouldn't be happy in any society. I think I am such a selfish and cruel being that I need to be eliminated and if other people are too dumb to see it, then I guess I'll have to do it myself lest I continue to wreak suffering and pain upon the world around me. CTB'ing would be the most noble thing I could possibly do for the world.

I'm also a kissless virgin at the age of 26 and my recent heartbreak experience has probably made it impossible for me to ever be willing to open my heart up again before I turn 30 which is when I know I have to CTB for sure because being this lonely and pathetic in my 30s and beyond is guaranteed to feel even worse than it does right now in my 20s. Maybe if I got back with her things would change and I'd be overflowing with hope and love but that just seems so unlikely at this point.

 

[Squiddy]

Things that make me want to ctb:
My mental illnesses, my inability to articulate myself verbally sometimes, my bad short term memory issues, my incompetency (so many things I don't know that I feel like I should know) and my inability to process what people are saying sometimes

 

[StringPuppet]

I can't find reasons to live and be happy like other people. Everyone else finds ways to give their life meaning like work, art, raising children, etc but all of those things sound like a big distraction to me because at the end of the day the world is still full of pain, boredom, death, and unfulfilled desires, and those things will always exist because that's how our reality was designed. There's no way I can put all of that in the back of my mind while I go live a 'normal' life. This world just wasn't made with people like me in mind. I'm a fundementally flawed individual living in what I percieve to be a fundamentally flawed reality and I know ctb is the only real thing I can ever do about that.

 

[ixkitty]

I often ask myself this, I am simply too nice and the world is not made for nice people because people take advantage of that and as a male you´re seen as a beta male yet I can´t stop being polite and nice to people.

Yes!

That reminds me of some animal species I've hear about not long ago, where individual member of a group might sacrifices itself for the improved chances of survival for the rest of a group. Something about underground animals, like badger maybe.

What I'm saying is kindness and altruism can be beneficial for the group. Recently I read a little about inclusive fitness model (of evolution?) on wiki. The way I understand it is that some time ago a small society with somewhat altruistic people outlasted other small societies where people only cared about themselves. And we happen to be the descendants of somewhat altruistic people

But now we live in huge societies where most people are strangers and have no meaningful contribution to a certain individual.
I don't need to care to survive, only to find enough gold to buy the necessary things from strangers. Altruism sounds great on a larger scale, but not so good for the altruist. It seems to me that in the modern world, being altruistic is much more bad than good.

That is exactly how it feels. It doesn't help people like us at all!

 

[Insertname1]

I sit here sometimes and I wonder, "Why do people want to CTB?"

For me it's simply, I'm too kind. I'm a giver and I don't know how to not give. I give till I bleed and then when I have no more blood... I give some more. I give till there's nothing left of me but a shell of a person but I keep giving. I have tried to give less, I've resorted to lying to get out of giving but then I feel bad for lying. I've tried to tell them I just don't have it or I can't do it.. I've told the truth.. but then they get disappointed in me for not being able to give.

Why would someone as nice as me exist? This world use and abuse it, but here I am.. still giving because I just want to see people happy. At this point it's too farfetched to think I will be able to have happiness and I refuse to be the martyr. Well, I guess I am the martyr in this case. As stupid as this sounds I feel like I'm being killed by kindness... my own kindness.

I digress... if you feel like sharing - please lay it all out there.

I so agree with you, im a giver, I give even when I've got nothing to give, which isnwhy im in so much debt, they know how much money I make but know I can get stuff on finance, so I get it for them(got fucked over for it eventually to the tune of about £1000)

 

[ixkitty]

I feel like a fraud every time I try to do anything remotely productive or useful. My mind feels like it's been split into two separate entities, both of which hate each other's guts. I can't tell the difference between them and I can't even always tell which one I am. No matter which one I am, I always feel like the other me has ruined/is ruining my life so I have to kill him. I'm not CTB'ing because I'm too nice for this world either, I firmly believe I'm too evil for it. I just don't fit in anywhere because I've become so needlessly specific in what I believe that I wouldn't be happy in any society. I think I am such a selfish and cruel being that I need to be eliminated and if other people are too dumb to see it, then I guess I'll have to do it myself lest I continue to wreak suffering and pain upon the world around me. CTB'ing would be the most noble thing I could possibly do for the world.

I'm also a kissless virgin at the age of 26 and my recent heartbreak experience has probably made it impossible for me to ever be willing to open my heart up again before I turn 30 which is when I know I have to CTB for sure because being this lonely and pathetic in my 30s and beyond is guaranteed to feel even worse than it does right now in my 20s. Maybe if I got back with her things would change and I'd be overflowing with hope and love but that just seems so unlikely at this point.

I understand that ♡

 

[SHThrowAway213]

Many reasons.
The main one being my mental health problems.

 

[MariV]

-cancer: skin, lungs, stomach
-tinnitus
-snow vision
-insomnia
-chronic pain
-isolation
-IBS

 

[ixkitty]

Things that make me want to ctb:
My mental illnesses, my inability to articulate myself verbally sometimes, my bad short term memory issues, my incompetency (so many things I don't know that I feel like I should know) and my inability to process what people are saying sometimes

Not offering a solution but have you tried learning sign language.. I find that by learning (I'm still attempting to presue a degree smh).. weirdly enough it's easier for me to communicate my thoughts because it uses my entire body, my facial expressions, and whatnot as opposed to just finding words. Maybe you'd like to try to make that aspect more bearable

I so agree with you, im a giver, I give even when I've got nothing to give, which isnwhy im in so much debt, they know how much money I make but know I can get stuff on finance, so I get it for them(got fucked over for it eventually to the tune of about £1000)

Phew... that ... I've never gone into the negative until someone continued to take money from me... I racked up so many negative charges in my bank account! I understand you

Many reasons.
The main one being my mental health problems.

I am quite sorry about that. :(

-cancer: skin, lungs, stomach
-tinnitus
-snow vision
-insomnia
-chronic pain
-isolation
-IBS

So are you trying to end before the cancer ends you? :( I'm sorry about those btw

 

[MariV]

Not offering a solution but have you tried learning sign language.. I find that by learning (I'm still attempting to presue a degree smh).. weirdly enough it's easier for me to communicate my thoughts because it uses my entire body, my facial expressions, and whatnot as opposed to just finding words. Maybe you'd like to try to make that aspect more bearable

Phew... that ... I've never gone into the negative until someone continued to take money from me... I racked up so many negative charges in my bank account! I understand you


I am quite sorry about that. :(


So are you trying to end before the cancer ends you? :( I'm sorry about those btw

indeed..but i cant because of my mother. but will die eventually

 

[Squiddy]

Not offering a solution but have you tried learning sign language.. I find that by learning (I'm still attempting to presue a degree smh).. weirdly enough it's easier for me to communicate my thoughts because it uses my entire body, my facial expressions, and whatnot as opposed to just finding words. Maybe you'd like to try to make that aspect more bearable

Phew... that ... I've never gone into the negative until someone continued to take money from me... I racked up so many negative charges in my bank account! I understand you


I am quite sorry about that. :(


So are you trying to end before the cancer ends you? :( I'm sorry about those btw

I would learn it, but not everyone will understand me

 

[ARW3N]

"What is called a reason for living is also an excellent reason for dying." - Albert Camus

Because when you CTB there is eternal peace and no wory about life misery and pain

I know those involved in suicide prevention don't like to hear it but CTB is a permanent solution to all our problems.

 

[ixkitty]

-cancer: skin, lungs, stomach
-tinnitus
-snow vision
-insomnia
-chronic pain
-isolation
-IBS

So are you trying to end before the cancer ends you? :( I'm sorry about those btw

indeed..but i cant because of my mother. but will die eventually

I got you.

I would learn it, but not everyone will understand me

That's a good point... well I appreciare you sharing despite itnall

 

[AJ95]

Because my brain has too much wrong with it to fix, and rather than spend the next 60 years miserable I'm going to call it now.

 

[ixkitty]

"What is called a reason for living is also an excellent reason for dying." - Albert Camus

I know those involved in suicide prevention don't like to hear it but CTB is a permanent solution to all our problems.

It is indeed a permanent solution.
Suffering is a permanent problem.

Because my brain has too much wrong with it to fix, and rather than spend the next 60 years miserable I'm going to call it now.

I understand completely. ♡

 

[theguineapigking]

Because I HATE myself and existence. Life's a joke. I hate feeling lesser than most people. Here too, because I'll always be less helpful or less unique than you all or my siblings. I'm always tempted to self ban because that'll make me more suicidal :)

Ctb is the ultimate cure for me, don't you see?!! :0 Me+Existence= Me+SN=

 

[ixkitty]

Because I HATE myself and existence. Life's a joke. I hate feeling lesser than most people. Here too, because I'll always be less helpful or less unique than you all or my siblings. I'm always tempted to self ban because that'll make me more suicidal :)

Ctb is the ultimate cure for me, don't you see?!! :0 Me+Existence= Me+SN=

People expect us to love ourselves and it's not that easy. Since of us are wired differently and just can't! I understand!

 

[Breadbfra]

Because it's been too many years battling major depression.
I was doing ok with Ketamine treatments and now I have to deal with a virus for at least three years that will likely destroy the economy for at least 10 years.
I'm also too sensitive too everything, i constantly worry about how other people are doing, how many people die, etc it's some sort of paranoid thoughts and I have had enough.

 

[chewgu]

Things that make me want to ctb:
My mental illnesses, my inability to articulate myself verbally sometimes, my bad short term memory issues, my incompetency (so many things I don't know that I feel like I should know) and my inability to process what people are saying sometimes

That would be my reasons too (mostly). It's so stressful to talk to other people and I feel like a failure after. I think I should have done better. I hate to be me. But the biggest reason to CTB is that I feel overwhelmed by life (work, social activity and just existing). Even the smallest things are too hard to accomplish for me. Another reason is that I care to much what people think about me and so I'm playing a role. I feel like I'm never the true me. I have no value.

 

[ixkitty]

Because it's been too many years battling major depression.
I was doing ok with Ketamine treatments and now I have to deal with a virus for at least three years that will likely destroy the economy for at least 10 years.
I'm also too sensitive too everything, i constantly worry about how other people are doing, how many people die, etc it's some sort of paranoid thoughts and I have had enough.

Dear gods you sound like me. Wperying about how they're feeling or doing and constantly wondering if I did something to effect their mood and its madening!

That would be my reasons too (mostly). It's so stressful to talk to other people and I feel like a failure after. I think I should have done better. I hate to be me. But the biggest reason to CTB is that I feel overwhelmed by life (work, social activity and just existing). Even the smallest things are too hard to accomplish for me. Another reason is that I care to much what people think about me and so I'm playing a role. I feel like I'm never the true me. I have no value.

Yes ! I understand that entirely!