why ctb? Did you really try get help? ctb only thing left now? What is the main reason and not because I hate myself. What happened changed?

[RW__Asher23]

For myself too many things due to long life time and years of suffering. Main reason PTSD. It comes from 2 Rapes and War and killing to survive. Seeing the dead and them coming to me and the Rape happens over and over in my mind and sometimes flashbacks see the people who did it and the nightmares from the war and the people alive and dead suffering etc. all of it That is "PTSD." My main reason. I set my date ctb and it is coming few months. Happy we have this place. Love the people here.
What's yours?
Wish you all Peace.

 

[Sulyya]

That is truly awful - I'm sorry that your life had such pain.

 

[nance]

I have had a series of very unfortunate events, losing folks when young, going to a foster family, only to find it's equally broken, death of my biological brother who was adopted with me, truth is i was adopted by the family due to him, they wanted a son, saw my family grieve him a lot, saw mom working hard and dad being a narcissistic person, went to jail, came even hellish, made us go in debt due to his confidence he can win in cricket batting, dude did all his antics, didn't allow me to go to college, thinking i will get out of their grip, and me being stupid i went for highly tough career without even thinking how much it gonna cost, was miserable and in depression, used internet, told myself i will kill myself soon, met someone, fell in love, only for him to leave me...now I want to pursue a degree after years but scared as we are in debt and will i even be able to finish it? Ah and my mother wants me to get married.

For myself too many things due to long life time and years of suffering. Main reason PTSD. It comes from 2 Rapes and War and killing to survive. Seeing the dead and them coming to me and the Rape happens over and over in my mind and sometimes flashbacks see the people who did it and the nightmares from the war and the people alive and dead suffering etc. all of it That is "PTSD." My main reason. I set my date ctb and it is coming few months. Happy we have this place. Love the people here.
What's yours?
Wish you all Peace.

You have had a very tough life too. Hope you get peace too. What's your ctb method?

 

[another40seconds]

ive never tried to get help but recently my parents found marks on my arm and are trying to get me to talk about it to my therapist. i want to ctb because im broken. ive always been broken. ive seen and experienced shit from a young age for a prolonged time. im useless and ill never be able to experience life how it should be experienced normally; yknow: all smiles and loving your wife and children shit, crying after a movie, etc. every day feels like a carbon copy of the previous; the same shade of gray, over and over. im beyond help or fixing; im scarred, not just hurt.

edit: vagueness and nonspecific because i dont want to be known or have my identity found out

 

[RW__Asher23]

I have had a series of very unfortunate events, losing folks when young, going to a foster family, only to find it's equally broken, death of my biological brother who was adopted with me, truth is i was adopted by the family due to him, they wanted a son, saw my family grieve him a lot, saw mom working hard and dad being a narcissistic person, went to jail, came even hellish, made us go in debt due to his confidence he can win in cricket batting, dude did all his antics, didn't allow me to go to college, thinking i will get out of their grip, and me being stupid i went for highly tough career without even thinking how much it gonna cost, was miserable and in depression, used internet, told myself i will kill myself soon, met someone, fell in love, only for him to leave me...now I want to pursue a degree after years but scared as we are in debt and will i even be able to finish it? Ah and my mother wants me to get married.

You have had a very tough life too. Hope you get peace too. What's your ctb method?

Gun special one from my time in military. Peace and safe journey to you no matter what you do I would honor your decisions. Peace.

 

[nance]

Gun special one from my time in military. Peace and safe journey to you no matter what you do I would honor your decisions. Peace.

aw man wish i could get a gun too

 

[Lifeless mindset]

I've tried medicine, therapy, reaching out to friends. I guess there's still more I could try but there's no point in trying if I don't want the help. Aside from my past traumas and the fact that my life is very exhausting, I just feel as if I am never at peace. I am in no rush to CTB but suicide is how I want to die. I find beauty in it. Im writing a story and that's how I want my story to end.

 

[FuneralCry]

When wanting suicide is a logical response to the fact that life in itself is the true problem, then this point of view cannot be "helped". I could never see existence as being worth enduring and I despise existing, it's something unnecessary that just leads to more suffering.

In regards to the part about trying help, the fact is that not everyone wants to die because of mental illnesses, not everyone wishes that they could live and values life. Those things only apply to some suicidal people and I would choose death over absolutely everything, personally. But that sounds like hell what you've been through, it disgusts me how such torture is able to exist in this world.

 

[devoutweiss]

Today I told my therapist exactly how I would CTB, in detail about the method and how I have sellers etc. She didn't do anything about it. That was my last call for help, I've been to therapy for 4 years. Nothing is doing anything. I've been to doctors, their meds barely work. I have a terminal heart disease and I won't live past 30.

 

[SSGoingInsane]

Today I told my therapist exactly how I would CTB, in detail about the method and how I have sellers etc. She didn't do anything about it. That was my last call for help, I've been to therapy for 4 years. Nothing is doing anything. I've been to doctors, their meds barely work. I have a terminal heart disease and I won't live past 30.

quite shocking, to me atleast. i tried therapy once but it yielded mixed results.

 

[RubySimon]

I want to ctb because the world is becoming increasingly dangerous for someone like me, a disabled trans person. I can't even go on the internet without seeing at least half a dozen posts or new hit pieces full of abelism and transphobia. The Gender clinc wait times are insane where I live, Threaphy and counseling aren't helping. I have no job, no house of my own and everything feels hopeless. So I promised myself, if I reach 40 and nothing changes, I'll catch that bus.

 

[devoutweiss]

quite shocking, to me atleast. i tried therapy once but it yielded mixed results.

It's never been much help. Yesterday just felt like my last cry for help. The double letters in your name representing haha. But seriously, therapy is a complete pick n mix with who you get.

 

[SSGoingInsane]

It's never been much help. Yesterday just felt like my last cry for help. The double letters in your name representing haha. But seriously, therapy is a complete pick n mix with who you get.

SS? Haha whats ur opinion? Oh and yeah therapy is luck based

 

[devoutweiss]

SS? Haha whats ur opinion? Oh and yeah therapy is luck based

Depends what SS we're talking about! 100% luck based, shouldn't be but it is.

 

[kindalone]

Seeing some of the responses makes my reasons sound benign. My life was filled with expectations I couldn't fulfill. Instead of rebelling, I just kept going, hoping things would click or I would get the hang of it. But things never took off. I always broke down eventually and got nothing for it. I've never sought help because I always felt like I was just a lazy asshole with no discipline. But I feel like if it drives me to suicidal ideation, it is not normal at all. I'm exhausted now. My will to live doesn't even have anything to do with me. I live for the people that love me. But it's hard when you yourself aren't the one you're willing to live and fight for because why would I put myself through all that suffering.

Even though ctb is my preferred way to go, I can stick around forever if I have to. This body may still have some fight in it. It's not gonna do much but I'm curious what the future holds. What is life going to put me through next or what kind of random event will bring me unexpected joy. Last year it was a stupid superhero movie. Who knows what it will be this year.

 

[outrider567]

Get Help? That would be an exercise in futility after her death, and I'm not a pill taker

 

[lostmouse93]

Help has mostly been f*cking bs for me. I got help the first time I tried to ctb but it honestly traumatized me more. I tried living after that only to get bitten in the ass by my brain deciding to malfunction from trauma from said "help." No one seems to get that I TRIED. I tried and yes, I have a life with a lot to look forward to and blah blah blah but it's not really that exciting and I'm just fucking tired of living really

 

[junko]

Been like this since 13 years old. Got help, got better, regressed. Got help, got better, regressed. Got help, got better, stayed better, and then ended up homeless. From homelessness to abuse (which is a constant issue in my life) and from abuse to living alone in a small town that hates me. Just lost my job. Can't afford help even if I wanted it.

I'm too old to turn my life around at this point. Hope just hurts. Every time I think I've hit rock bottom, I go on to discover a new, deeper pit. Each one is harder to get out of. CTB because if God refuses to pick me up, I'll find some other way outta here, haha

 

[SilentSadness]

I guess death just seems better than life, no particular circumstance has made me suicidal. To me, I can only view death as the most rational and supreme form of peace, and the fact others spend so much effort denying me exit is living proof that we are in hell.

Got help, got better, stayed better, and then ended up homeless. From homelessness to abuse (which is a constant issue in my life) and from abuse to living alone in a small town that hates me. Just lost my job. Can't afford help even if I wanted it.

That really sounds dreadful, I hope your circumstances improve. That is certainly unfair of life to treat you that way.

 

[catsandrocks]

I am constantly in so much emotional misery that I cannot physically take it anymore. I have tried every single thing. Everything. Cognitive behavioral therapy. Dialectical behavioral therapy. Acceptance commitment therapy. Exposure therapy. Mindfulness. Meditation. Journaling. Residential. Inpatient. Outpatient. Non directive therapy. Every single medication under the sun. Genetic testing for effective medication. Medication for physical symptoms of mental illness. Being outdoorsy. Being indoorsy. Being online. Being offline. I can't fucking do it anymore. I just can't. I have put my fucking all in every one of these treatments with the promise of a life worth living. Every time, I believe them. I can't keep doing this. I have been suicidal for as long as I can remember. I can remember my first attempts as a kid who couldn't reach the laundry detergent because I was too small. The only common denominator of my entire life is the urge to die. The rapes. The psychiatric abuse from the TTI. Getting SAed by my fucking therapist. Being a lesbian in a traditional Catholic family. Getting death threats. Being abandoned more times than I can count. Physical abuse. Emotional abuse. Neglect. I can't fucking do this misery. The innate biological thing in my mind that makes me want to kill myself is enough. Everything on top of it hurts. I feel like even though I've had trauma, it's not enough to justify anything I feel. People have and will have it much worse than me. (Sorry for the vent)

 

[downndone2]

I lost over $200k, my so, ruined relationships, lost business and properties.. I hate myself, my heart and soul are shattered in pieces. I'll never get over it.

 

[unnormal9]

Disability is gate-kept.
Help does not exist in this world. It is simply a word used by others to make themselves think they are some hero, while doing nothing tangible.
There are no tangible actions; 7 years and running. Just a prison pit for the suffering. This is factual.

 

[StolenLife]

I can't write anything too specific in order not to doxx myself, but early life abuse left me dead inside and I don't trust people. I myself became rather evil after these experiences, and hard to manage. Not to mention that I'm starting to show signs of early schizophrenia, I don't feel safe anywhere and I don't want a world where so much cruelty and abuse exist.
I'm so sorry that you went through all that. No wonder you want to exit this disgusting world. I wish that you are able to find peace.

 

[Manfrotto99]

I actually wouldn't kill myself if I had money where I could escape to a little place of my own, where I could have a garden and dog. I'm a dreamer and I could loose myself in gardening and being with animals and nature and forget about the reality of this mad cruel world and all the losses, unfilled desires and sadness I've experienced in my life. I'm not able to afford that though. Instead I have to depend on abusive people who make my life hell and live in a place where I can't have a garden or sleep at night due to constant heavy traffic and noise. I use to be able to find things that helped me cope and manage depression, but everything has gone now except my old dog. Everything around me only perpetuates chronic depression and I'm unable to take medications to help due to a health condition. After a lifetime of trying to fight depression and being left with no arsenal- I'm ready to go once my dog has gone.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I have to consider CTB seriously bc of a big failure in life that lead to financial issues and a terrible outlook for my future. I just don't want to experience anything worse than it is already now. Either I cope with the facts and accept a further degrade becoming a wage-slave just to keep me alive in a life that I don't want to live anymore or I don't and CTB.

There're neither meds nor therapy that can cure my problem.

 

[Manfrotto99]

I have to consider CTB seriously bc of a big failure in life that lead to financial issues and a terrible outlook for my future. I just don't want to experience anything worse than it is already now. Either I cope with the facts and accept a further degrade becoming a wage-slave just to keep me alive in a life that I don't want to live anymore or I don't and CTB.

There're neither meds nor therapy that can cure my problem.

I believe the contribution of financial issues is hugely underrated by society. The failure, the degradation, the loss of so called friends who choose not to understand- and blame you for your situation... as it would otherwise make them feel bad about there privileged lives. The constant judgement of being useless and lazy and a let down in society...and if that's not depressing enough on top of an already existing depressive condition that you've been trying to fight all your life, you also have the financial burdens and struggles to make ends meet. This is all for nothing but a miserable slave like existence. But you will be told that meds and therapy will help, if only you will do the work and stop feeling sorry for yourself :(

 

[HollowDrop]

I have gotten help throughout my life since I was a child, and that probably is how I've been able to hang on for so long. My current psychiatrist I have known for years is a very down to earth and logical person so talking to her genuinely eases my mind about the dread of living, she doesn't blindly spout nonsense about how I matter or whatever but instead we dig deep to discuss why and how I feel like I should commit suicide. I can openly tell her I plan suicide.
But any help I get is a temporary aid and I easily spiral back into darkness, often feels like killing myself is the only way to escape my permanent feelings of shame, embarrassment, guilt and anger towards myself and this world. I am a bother to everyone around me and an embarrassment. I know I will eventually kill myself to escape my mental insanity, but until then I do not turn down help in case I actually do find something to turn the clocks in my brain. Life is unpredictable in both negative and positive ways after all.

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

@RW__Asher23
My situation is a little similar to yours.
I have c-ptsd. For ~7 years I dreamed of making friends, communicating closely with one social group.
Then, when I was at a turning point in my life - one girl asked to be my friend. she played the role of kind and good. Then a lot of bad things happened. she betrayed me in the most cruel way, tormenting me along with a whore from the same social group.
My own mother betrayed me. As well as 3 other friends from a social group that was once dear to me. I have had severe nightmares since ~December 2018. At the end of August this year they (nightmares) returned.
I described everything very briefly. Of course, there were a lot of details. Everything lasted for many years since April 2018.

I couldn't take revenge on that whore-monster. I hate myself and deserve to die.

 

[Fimbulvetr]

I've been in therapy since I was very young, 7 years old or so. My life has... been very exhausting and painful. I was raised by my great grandmother for the first few years of my life, since my parents were drug addicts. She died, since she was already in her 80s and in poor health. My father would hit me sometimes (I distinctly remember him slapping a milk bottle out of my hands, since he insisted I was too old to drink from them) and I began fantasizing about finding someone who would take me away from my home. I desperately dated a number of men, my first ex being deeply physically abusive and then attempting to murder me after his best friend raped me. He blamed me for it, insisted I tempted him, or whatever. I was 12. I couldn't tempt anyone if I fucking tried. ...My next ex after that was a pedophile who was deeply obsessed with making me his child bride. I found out while he was grooming me (or shortly before) that my grandmother, my mother's mother, killed herself in a park (OD'd on meds and alcohol) and I began to idealize her as the bravest woman; someone who was brave enough to escape this fucking bullshit world we live in. Eventually I mostly moved on from that, but the desire is still pretty strong inside me, regardless.
Essentially, the desire to die has been buried so deep within me, and has embedded itself inside me for so long, I don't really know how to stop it.