Venting Why can't life be simple?

[Sensei]

A hurricane of feelings is raging inside me right now and I don't know what to do. The only thing I can come up with is to write, as always. I feel that I've lost the battle which is life and that it's time to surrender. I wish I was like my best friend who's in the same situation as me, minus bipolar disorder, but doesn't give a millionth of a fuck. He would never visit a place like this. He has a psyche of steel, whereas mine is made of brittle glass. I'm tired of having to live with this fucking disorder which turns me into a wreck, always unstable, moody, impulsive, clumsy, stupid. I could live with all of this if things were simple, but they never are. I'm so fucking tired of everything being so complicated all the time. I'm tired of not understanding the rules of life and of constantly making the wrong moves. I'm tired of getting hurt and of hurting people. I'm tired of making a fool of myself and never learning. I'm tired of never finding love and being forced to just pick someone I don't love. I'm tired of just working and sleeping and seeing my life disappear. I'm tired. There's nothing to say about this. I just needed to vent.

 

[WornOutLife]

It seems our lives are somehow connected. I'm feeling just like you. Although I don't care about love.
My main problem is pretending to be normal when deep in my heart I'm fed up with life.

Anyway, hope you can feel better soon. We don't deserve to suffer like this.

 

[Makko]

Life is simple if you want nothing from it. When you start making demands, life will want something in return, and when you try to balance that deal you see that the scale is rigged very much, and not in your favor.

 

[Sensei]

It seems our lives are somehow connected. I'm feeling just like you. Although I don't care about love.
My main problem is pretending to be normal when deep in my heart I'm fed up with life.

I hear you, brother. Keeping up appearances is a pain, but I'm afraid we don't have a choice. I don't, at least.

Anyway, hope you can feel better soon. We don't deserve to suffer like this.

No, we don't deserve it. Yet here we are. I hope we both can climb up from the abyss.

Life is simple if you want nothing from it. When you start making demands, life will want something in return, and when you try to balance that deal you see that the scale is rigged very much, and not in your favor.

I agree. I really wish I could live a life like that. Unfortunately, I'm mentally ill and can't control my feelings. I know it's difficult to understand, but think of it like this: where schizophrenia engenders abnormal thoughts, bipolar disorder engenders abnormal feelings.

 

[Amumu]

I'm tired of getting hurt and of hurting people.

May I ask you what hurts you and why do you hurt people?

 

[Sensei]

May I ask you what hurts you and why do you hurt people?

Love. If there's such a thing in my life.

 

[Good4Nothing]

A hurricane of feelings is raging inside me right now and I don't know what to do. The only thing I can come up with is to write, as always. I feel that I've lost the battle which is life and that it's time to surrender. I wish I was like my best friend who's in the same situation as me, minus bipolar disorder, but doesn't give a millionth of a fuck. He would never visit a place like this. He has a psyche of steel, whereas mine is made of brittle glass. I'm tired of having to live with this fucking disorder which turns me into a wreck, always unstable, moody, impulsive, clumsy, stupid. I could live with all of this if things were simple, but they never are. I'm so fucking tired of everything being so complicated all the time. I'm tired of not understanding the rules of life and of constantly making the wrong moves. I'm tired of getting hurt and of hurting people. I'm tired of making a fool of myself and never learning. I'm tired of never finding love and being forced to just pick someone I don't love. I'm tired of just working and sleeping and seeing my life disappear. I'm tired. There's nothing to say about this. I just needed to vent.

This is EXACTLY how I feel.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Love. If there's such a thing in my life.

Do you love yourself?

 

[signifying nothing]

Love. If there's such a thing in my life.

 

[Sensei]

Do you love yourself?

That's a good question, but I don't have a good answer. Honestly, I don't know. I probably don't.

View attachment 62330

Best illustration of love I've seen. Quite a mess in my case.

 

[Makko]

View attachment 62330

 

[Sensei]

I don't know if it simply is meant to be funny, but I really like it.

 

[Makko]

I don't know if it simply is meant to be funny, but I really like it.

Vaporwave makes everything beautiful and aesthetic.

 

[Ame]

I'm so fucking tired of everything being so complicated all the time. I'm tired of not understanding the rules of life and of constantly making the wrong moves. I'm tired of getting hurt and of hurting people. I'm tired of making a fool of myself and never learning. I'm tired of never finding love and being forced to just pick someone I don't love. I'm tired of just working and sleeping and seeing my life disappear. I'm tired.

My apologies if this comes across as an empty platitude, but my words are all that I have to offer. I am so sorry that you are hurting as much as you do and I can only hope that you will be kind to yourself. I resonate with your frustrations and was struck by the realization that I am also passing the days watching my life disappear. It is both terrifying and depressing isn't it? Even more so when you cannot seem to put the pieces together an make something work. I hope that you won't judge yourself to harshly for your feelings or your need to vent. As you said, a lot of it has to do with your disorder and I think that your pain ought to be met with compassion.

Ideally, we would like to never hurt others or be hurt. Unfortunately, a condition of living is that one can never exist without hurting others. Often times, we cause pain without meaning to and for reasons beyond our control. When you love, it hurts to see someone suffering because we rather they didn't. It is the duality of things, wouldn't you say? Please be gentle with yourself, Sensei.

 

[CatabolicSeed]

This was one of my first hangups with the world when I developed anxiety and depression in middle school. I remember going on a huge rant to my dad about how its not fair humans have to navigate such a complicated system in order to be happy and how I wished I was an animal instead, that only needs food and basic enrichment. Why can't it just be simple?

 

[Sensei]

My apologies if this comes across as an empty platitude, but my words are all that I have to offer. I am so sorry that you are hurting as much as you do and I can only hope that you will be kind to yourself. I resonate with your frustrations and was struck by the realization that I am also passing the days watching my life disappear. It is both terrifying and depressing isn't it? Even more so when you cannot seem to put the pieces together an make something work. I hope that you won't judge yourself to harshly for your feelings or your need to vent. As you said, a lot of it has to do with your disorder and I think that your pain ought to be met with compassion.

Ideally, we would like to never hurt others or be hurt. Unfortunately, a condition of living is that one can never exist without hurting others. Often times, we cause pain without meaning to and for reasons beyond our control. When you love, it hurts to see someone suffering because we rather they didn't. It is the duality of things, wouldn't you say? Please be gentle with yourself, Sensei.

Thank you, I appreciate your words. You're right that I shouldn't judge myself too harshly, but it's difficult. I'm a clumsy idiot, like a child playing chess with big mittens.

 

[Makko]

It was simpler in the feudal ages. Till your field. Pay your taxes. Hang out with your fellow villagers. That's it.

In traditional architecture this is called "human scale" and maintaining this is a basic principle. Old buildings are pleasant to look at because they look stable, they have visible doors for entry, visible windows to look out of, and if they're decorated they show individual craftsmanship. Modernist achitecture loves gigantic nondescript glass cubes that don't look and feel like they're made for humans at all.

As modern architecture so is modern society. It's not an arrangement based on human needs and capacities, it's a gigantic glass cube built for the pleasure of a few glass cube fetishists, but everyone else who is not a fetishist, and wants human scale, is also trapped in the cube and doesn't get a say.

 

[Ame]

Thank you, I appreciate your words. You're right that I shouldn't judge myself too harshly, but it's difficult. I'm a clumsy idiot, like a child playing chess with big mittens.

It's okay to find it difficult, we are always learning after all. The image of a child playing chess while wearing a pair of giant mittens is a cute one and it is also an apt description. Still, I suspect that an adult would struggle under the same conditions.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

It was simpler in the feudal ages. Till your field. Pay your taxes. Hang out with your fellow villagers. That's it.

In traditional architecture this is called "human scale" and maintaining this is a basic principle. Old buildings are pleasant to look at because they look stable, they have visible doors for entry, visible windows to look out of, and if they're decorated they show individual craftsmanship. Modernist achitecture loves gigantic nondescript glass cubes that don't look and feel like they're made for humans at all.

As modern architecture so is modern society. It's not an arrangement based on human needs and capacities, it's a gigantic glass cube built for the pleasure of a few glass cube fetishists, but everyone else who is not a fetishist, and wants human scale, is also trapped in the cube and doesn't get a say.

 

[Sensei]

This one looks like my mind!

 

[Myforevercharlie]

That's a good question, but I don't have a good answer. Honestly, I don't know. I probably don't.



Best illustration of love I've seen. Quite a mess in my case.

It's easy for me to say, but no wonder you're hurting. To me you have always seem like a great very smart guy.

In my country a singer has a song about loving yourself , I think there's a lot of wisdom in it. I tried to translate the last verse, maybe it will help you a bit

True love, believe me, always starts with yourself

Because I love you
Is not the key to someone else
But I love me
Even though it sounds harsh and bad
Because those who love themselves
Really give something valuable
When he says I love you
To someone else

 

[Sensei]

It's easy for me to say, but no wonder you're hurting. To me you have always seem like a great very smart guy.

Thanks, that's kind of you. If I was a smart guy I wouldn't end up in a suicide forum, now would I?

In my country a singer has a song about loving yourself , I think there's a lot of wisdom in it. I tried to translate the last verse, maybe it will help you a bit

True love, believe me, always starts with yourself

Because I love you
Is not the key to someone else
But I love me
Even though it sounds harsh and bad
Because those who love themselves
Really give something valuable
When he says I love you
To someone else

Right now, the very thought of love makes me anxious. I get your meaning and I appreciate it, though. I probably don't love myself and I need to learn how to do so. I'm not sure I can do it, though. It might very well be too late.

 

[Merlay]

I feel you. I try so hard to be as hard as a steel, but every time something goes wrong or something happened that's got out of my control, I break apart inside like a shattered glass. I find it difficult to just get over with my mistakes and failures, so here I am, stuck and unable to move forward. All I wanna do now is to hurt everyone who hurt me.

Anyway thank you for putting into words how you really feel. You're not alone in feeling those feelings, in thinking those thoughts. Keep writing!!

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Thanks, that's kind of you. If I was a smart guy I wouldn't end up in a suicide forum, now would I?



Right now, the very thought of love makes me anxious. I get your meaning and I appreciate it, though. I probably don't love myself and I need to learn how to do so. I'm not sure I can do it, though. It might very well be too late.

:) I don't think I'm a dummy, and I'm here as well.

Anyway, I'm always here if you need someone to talk /vent / scream to!