Why can't I just do it?

[shay23]

I have everything I need to CTB but I can't do it. I feel so weak and like a failure but I can't carry on living like this. I want it to end, I just don't have the energy or will power to do it, I feel like I'm overthinking rather than just doing it. Why is it so hard to live but so hard to die. I want peace.

 

[Marauder]

My words... I have best method available (gun) but I am still hasitating to pull the trigger

 

[imjustanemptyshell]

Heyyy are you okay? I feel you... going through the same thing here. Can't go through with recovery but can't go through with suicide too so yup. Sending hugssss

 

[Kruger]

I have everything I need to CTB but I can't do it. I feel so weak and like a failure but I can't carry on living like this. I want it to end, I just don't have the energy or will power to do it, I feel like I'm overthinking rather than just doing it. Why is it so hard to live but so hard to die. I want peace.

Because it goes against human nature. But we live in such a fucked up world that anyone with half a brain wants to get out. The Controllers have made this place a living hell. We were never meant to live like this: free-range slaves is what we are.

 

[shay23]

Heyyy are you okay? I feel you... going through the same thing here. Can't go through with recovery but can't go through with suicide too so yup. Sending hugssss

Thank you so much, hugs back to you!

Because it goes against human nature. But we live in such a fucked up world that anyone with half a brain wants to get out. The Controllers have made this place a living hell. We were never meant to live like this: free-range slaves is what we are.

It's true, I wish I could defy it. I just can't comprehend death and it scares me so much. The biggest decision I can make in my life and I know I have to do it but I don't even know if I can.

 

[Lil]

I feel the same. I have a very easy and peaceful method and still.....
Not being able to live or die is maybe the worst feeling In the world

 

[sadworld]

I feel you... Living and dying, both seems really hard. If we weren't born in the first place we wouldn't have to deal with this shit... Sending hugs OP

 

[profoundexperience]

I have everything I need to CTB but I can't do it. I feel so weak ... I want it to end, I just don't have the energy or will power to do it,

Exactly the same here.

The only thing that seems to be helping me is... Starting very recently I've begun to do many "dress rehearsals"/practice-sessions: Maybe 2-3 times per day for the past week and spending 20-30 minutes each time doing it... going very slowly and trying to "feel all my feelings".

At first, it was hard to even do one rehearsal/mock practice. (And, if I can't do that... how could I expect myself to do a full ctb??) But, it's getting easier! The more details I'm able to pretend/imagine/visualize -- the more "real" I make the practicing in my mind -- the more I seem to be able to see my resistances and reduce and accept them.

Not sure if this will help you/others... but if one has trouble practicing it in detail (like me), then actually doing it (which is ~harder) seems impossible.

we live in such a fucked up world that anyone with half a brain wants to get out. The Controllers have made this place a living hell. We were never meant to live like this: free-range slaves is what we are.

Very well said @Kruger!

I'd just add that... Beyond the "human controllers" there's the "selfish gene": biological drives to keep-on surviving (both as individuals and genetically through reproduction). We exist and are "free-range slaves" to so many different forces.

 

[shay23]

Thanks everyone

 

[AutoTap]

I know it's a bit late of a response. But if you can't do it, it means it's not the right time for you. Wish you well!

 

[Kruger]

Thank you so much, hugs back to you!



It's true, I wish I could defy it. I just can't comprehend death and it scares me so much. The biggest decision I can make in my life and I know I have to do it but I don't even know if I can.

It's the act that scares me - I'm not concerned about actually being there because I am 100% satisfied our consciousness survives. I've researched it extensively although i'm still not sure how to avoid the reincarnation trap. But you know what scares me even more that self-deliverance? A slow decline - the kind that awaits me because of a brain tumour - and being reliant on healthcare people who hate me and will abuse me.

 

[shay23]

I know it's a bit late of a response. But if you can't do it, it means it's not the right time for you. Wish you well!

Thanks for your response! Idk I think SI will always be a factor no matter how bad things get.

It's the act that scares me - I'm not concerned about actually being there because I am 100% satisfied our consciousness survives. I've researched it extensively although i'm still not sure how to avoid the reincarnation trap. But you know what scares me even more that self-deliverance? A slow decline - the kind that awaits me because of a brain tumour - and being reliant on healthcare people who hate me and will abuse me.

Yes absolutely, I agree with what you've said about consciousness too but the thought of doing it is so final and scary to me. Sorry to hear your diagnosis, sending love and light. I hope you're not in too much pain. It's shocking that those who working in healthcare seem to not like you and abuse you, can you report these individuals? That sounds awful they would take advantage of you like that. You're not a burden.

 

[Deleted member 8782]

Same situation here, can't bring myself to drink my SN. I hope things get better for you, guess we're stuck here for now :/

 

[Nimbus]

I can definitely relate to this. Although having a reliable method (or 2) is a huge comfort to me. My hesitation comes from the pain I will cause my loved ones.

I also have many (most?) days when I simply lack the energy and motivation to ctb, even with a method in place. But I think a day will come soon when the pain is so great that it will drive me to act. Until then, I, too am in limbo.

 

[Kat!]

Because we all know that it's not the solution to our problems, deep down.
I'm ready to take on whatever's on the other side. Once I receive what I need I'm not waiting around.

 

[Kruger]

Thanks for your response! Idk I think SI will always be a factor no matter how bad things get.



Yes absolutely, I agree with what you've said about consciousness too but the thought of doing it is so final and scary to me. Sorry to hear your diagnosis, sending love and light. I hope you're not in too much pain. It's shocking that those who working in healthcare seem to not like you and abuse you, can you report these individuals? That sounds awful they would take advantage of you like that. You're not a burden.

There is no accountability, the medical mafia are untouchable. All corrupt, so no one to report to. They will pay eventually, spritually.