Help Why cant i just be happy for myself

[LoneMisery]

I just snapped at my 2 best friends for being happy about my new job and them being happy for me just irked me to bad. It made me want to bang my head off a wall. Why cant i accept people being nice to me? Why do i instantly become disgusted with myself any time someone is happy for me? I feel so sick. Wtf is wrong with me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not know the answer to the question, but I'm sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like you are suffering a lot. I wish you the best.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Perhaps you're really not happy about your new job? I can't feel real happiness when I get congratulated on my job since I honestly wish they hadn't hired me since I hate myself as a person and an employee so much. Or else it could rub against you if you feel like they think the job will fix other things, and they're giving it too much importance. Just thoughts, there is a lot that goes in to it and it's probably also to do with history/personality. I wish I had better words, it hurts to constantly hate ourselves or feel disgust towards ourselves. It's hard to stop being self-sabotaging and self-hating, in any case. Best wishes whatever you decide to do and with the job.

 

[TheWood]

Maybe because you are not used to it? Maybe you've been so debased in everything you did in the past that by now you feel undeserving of nice words, compliments etc.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I can relate to this. In my case, whenever I got congratulated for something that seemed so easy it felt like they were just being condescending over something most people should already know how to do without fanfare, like when a toddler is congratulated for pooping in the toilet instead of on the floor. No idea if that's how you felt but that's just how I feel whenever that happens to me. Sometimes it also feels like being congratulated for something like that is a really good way to jinx the good fortune I've come across because it will only hurt more later if and when something goes wrong with whatever I was being congratulated about.

 

[Manaaja]

I can relate to this. In my case, whenever I got congratulated for something that seemed so easy it felt like they were just being condescending over something most people should already know how to do without fanfare, like when a toddler is congratulated for pooping in the toilet instead of on the floor. No idea if that's how you felt but that's just how I feel whenever that happens to me. Sometimes it also feels like being congratulated for something like that is a really good way to jinx the good fortune I've come across because it will only hurt more later if and when something goes wrong with whatever I was being congratulated about.

I know that feeling. I read books in English. I've had people react to it as if it was some super skill only granted to most gifted beings in the world. Same with Japanese and Mandarin Chinese. If I say even one sentence in either language a lot of people react to it as if what I did was impossible for 99,999999% of people.

Of course I like being congratulated and being praised, but sometimes it makes me realize how unskilled other people are.

As for OP, maybe deep down you don't want to work for a living, and thus being congratulated for working 8 hours 5 days a week instead of just winning 10 million in a lottery and relaxing on a yacht feels somehow wrong?

 

[LoneMisery]

Its not that i hate this new job its actually great. Ive been off for 2 months and idk i just never took compliments very easily. I just dont agree with anybody and i always hurt the ones closest to me. Its such a terrible mind set i kno, but its so difficult to change how i feel about myself especially when the person i hate the most on earth is me. Im just so sick with depression and i dont think its gonna gradually get better no matter what happens in my life. Ive seen it just get worse and worse over time and im scared. Scared that i will hurt myself and ctb its just such a terrible disease that depression is

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Its not that i hate this new job its actually great. Ive been off for 2 months and idk i just never took compliments very easily. I just dont agree with anybody and i always hurt the ones closest to me. Its such a terrible mind set i kno, but its so difficult to change how i feel about myself especially when the person i hate the most on earth is me. Im just so sick with depression and i dont think its gonna gradually get better no matter what happens in my life. Ive seen it just get worse and worse over time and im scared. Scared that i will hurt myself and ctb its just such a terrible disease that depression is

I think you feel that you don't deserve that job, nor the support of your friends. Actually, I think that you don't feel worthy of anything and that's why you react that way. I'm so sorry that you feel this way, specially towards yourself. The most important relationship in our lives is with ourselves. I also deal with depression and the medication has helped me a lot. Maybe you should consider taking something that will help you as well.

 

[LoneMisery]

I think you feel that you don't deserve that job, nor the support of your friends. Actually, I think that you don't feel worthy of anything and that's why you react that way. I'm so sorry that you feel this way, specially towards yourself. The most important relationship in our lives is with ourselves. I also deal with depression and the medication has helped me a lot. Maybe you should consider taking something that will help you as well.

I know its just difficult to give myself respect. And i feel medicine wont work unless i work with. I was on prozac at 16 and it made me worse so ive been afraid of trying anything else since then and im 33 now

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I know its just difficult to give myself respect. And i feel medicine wont work unless i work with. I was on prozac at 16 and it made me worse so ive been afraid of trying anything else since then and im 33 now

I know the feeling. I have little self-love myself but I am trying to change that. I understand but there are a variety of medicines and I really think you should try to help yourself with something. I am taking sertraline (antidepressant) and cloxam (tranquilizer) and it is actually helping me. I had been in bed for a month and a half. But this is just a suggestion, you don't have to follow it if you don't want to. Work will also help you, occupy your mind. I'm searching a job too.

 

[LoneMisery]

I really appreciate it i really do. I dont want to feel like this anymore cuz im afraid i will ctb. I just stared this new job and ill see what the insurance is like.
Its so difficult and my 2 best friends and my one and only brother are all i got n just always pounce on them coz i dont agree when tbeyre nice to me.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I really appreciate it i really do. I dont want to feel like this anymore cuz im afraid i will ctb. I just stared this new job and ill see what the insurance is like.
Its so difficult and my 2 best friends and my one and only brother are all i got n just always pounce on them coz i dont agree when tbeyre nice to me.

I hope you like the new job and that it helps you to occupy your mind. You must appreciate those friends of yours and your brother. And realize that you are a good person and deserve to be treated well.