There have been times where I was soo close to doing it. Thought about my last meal - thinking about what everyone would think and what ppl would do after I died - after I was gone. In my mind saw ppl 5 ... 10... 15 years down the line.
Coming from a good family where I really dont need anything besides doing the basic stuff you might not understand me but I hate when my ambitions dont go the way I like it. Things got a bit better but in no time I was again in the bottomless pit of the void. The thing in life is perspective. Because of it you do what you do. Because of it you think what you think. Because of it wars started and people died and lost loved ones and even lost themselves - be it mentally or killed themselves. So the main thing is or you do it or you dont. Live is life so you can feel. I love it sometimes. I love the feeling. I love that I can feel - be it happiness or pain be it love or hate. I am happy that I can be here. But sometimes I just get lost in my thoughts and need someone to tell me something. Even if I can think for myself sometimes I need perspective from others. That others is just one person since most ppl are just mindless and dont have that connection that I have with that person. So sometimes it goes past and I just ask myself why am I still here. Should I just end it? But then that person comes into my mind. Think I can do it when that person isnt here anymore since that would break them but still feeling selfish sometimes. Until then I will strugle and make ppl understand that I am no the one to be fucked with. I will do what I can and try to get to what I want even if I will throw it all away when that person leaves the physical realm.
Thats my take. Rambled quite a lot but hope it helps. If you get it - it will hit you and you will understand - or you wont. First time doing this for strangers but just wanted to write for a bit...
First of all, thank you for taking the time to write for my thread, I appreciate it deeply.
Second of all, I understand what you're trying to say, and I sometimes feel the same. I come from a good family too, but in the last five years things got worse and we fell into poverty.
Anyways, I can understand the ambitions thing. I had a lot, but now I'm just tired and don't have hopes nor dreams anymore.
The only thing that I think is keeping me going is my boyfriend.
He's like that person you described, and when I'm with him I can kinda change my perspective on life — or, at least, I can think that I will survive until I can't anymore, and then end it, instead of doing it as soon as possible.
Thank you for replying. <3
To me this sounds like it may just be SI (survival instinct). We may want to die but that doesn't mean our bodies want to. The biological purpose of our existence is to survive and continue. We are fighting with ourselves and with evolution to overcome something so seemingly insurmountable. It's difficult to comprehend a lot of the time honestly. It can be frustrating and heartbreaking when all you want is to escape but you can't bring yourself to. I hope though that you are able to find your peace
Thank you for the best wishes <33
I understand what you're saying, and I think so too — didn't think it was SI at first because I didn't actually do anything to put myself in danger.
Honestly same. I was supposed to start making preparations for my ctb but I just keep postponing it every time it pops up on my calendar. I guess I am just a lazy coward.
I can assure you you're not. Bringing ourselves to do it requires a lot of strenght, you're not a coward at all.
It may sound hypocritical, because I think the exact same of myself, but this is a kind of "survivor's guilt" too, just different.
Knowing"we" must die but can't, it makes us feel guilty for being alive — as in survivor's guilt.
