I was left with a chronic disabling condition by medical malpractice three years ago. Since then I have been to several specialists and had several different procedures done along with medications to no success. I had a serious suicide attempt by overdose that nearly killed me about six months ago and required hospitalization. At this point my soul is tired and nothing seems worth it. I can't return to work, school, have a normal social/personal life anymore as I loved life before and can't believe I am here now. I feel like I'm in a nightmare as when I wake up I can't believe what a mess I am in. I only have my mother left who is telling me to hold on and that's about it. I don't know what to do anymore. Is anyone in a similar situation?
Apostle
Student
- Apr 17, 2019
- 129
Many of us aren't even truly holding on, and are only still alive because we're waiting for, or working to create, the right circumstances to end our lives.
LastFlowers
the haru that can read
- Apr 27, 2019
- 2,170
I informed myself too much about what can go wrong with all the ways to CTB. I have to find the best way for me with as close to a guarantee as possible. It's exceedingly difficult. Succeeding in death seems to be no easier than in life.
Sometimes I get the faintest hope that-by some "miracle"-my problems will be resolved. But I know that that would just be another exhausting journey to near impossibility. And my youthful years are soon to pass anyway.
Sometimes I get the faintest hope that-by some "miracle"-my problems will be resolved. But I know that that would just be another exhausting journey to near impossibility. And my youthful years are soon to pass anyway.
Escaper Boy
累坏了...
- Apr 11, 2019
- 245
This is exactly how I feel. I couldn't said it better myself.
Dead beat dad
Enlightened
- Mar 5, 2019
- 1,030
I'm so sorry to read about your pain and the awful place that it has left.
Words from strangers over the internet offer little real comfort, but for what it is worth, I sincerely hope you can find the courage to find what you are looking for and wish you love and peace friend.
I held on because I was a coward and believed in recovery. I was raised to believe in putting others before myself and this mindset makes the emotional fall out of CTB a hard conundrum to square.
I hold on now because of my duty to my child and I ask myself daily (as I am the epitome of human garbage) if he is better off without me.
This place we reside is twisted and awful and with every fibre of sincerity this wretched being can muster I wish everyone peace and light and love.
DBD
Sorry you are struggling sounds difficult and I hope you can find a path to lead you out, whatever that might be.
I can't say my situation is similar but I imagine some of the struggles are.
Me I hold on because to me it does seem like a more fulfilling life is possible. It seems very unlikely, and requires effort I have yet to put in but I still see possibilities sometimes. I hope maybe you can also. Best of luck
I'm waiting until next Tuesday night when I have the opportunity to ctb.
because I value, or like to think that I value the concept of struggling, fighting for one's life, maybe that's because I'm actually not a fighter. i hate the idea that the weaker ones, often victims of other people, just have to deal with it and back out of the battle (suffer silently or go die). I guess I still hope I could somehow do sth for myself. on the other side, I'm really tired and rationally almost hopeless, so there's a big chance I'll ctb. death doesnt frighten me, but I'm sentimental when it comes to saying goodbye to life
JadedGray
Life Eternal
- Jul 24, 2018
- 991
Nothing is keeping me here. I just need the supplies to CTB. In the mean time I'm just waiting around to die as the Townes Van Zandt song goes...
pane
Hollow
- Apr 29, 2019
- 358
I'm holding on because my instinct for self-preservation is still too strong. I don't explicitly want to die. Rather I want to somehow be freed from this morass of wasted potential, emptiness and hopelessness of a life I've thrown away from literally doing nothing useful with myself by allowing opportunities to pass me by... failing to stand up to my own fears and anxieties...to take a risk and chase after my desires....to venture out into the world to have my own little adventures and experiences...to rely on myself to get through life....but at this point, being a middle-aged man I don't know if any of that is still possible or even worth it now.
I'm not planning to actually kill myself anytime in the near future. But the possibility of suicide as something to consider to stop this unrelenting self-loathing I have for destroying my life is now "in my head" and it won't go away whereas I used to think of suicide as completely crazy and taboo.
Looking back I've realized that I've been extremely cruel and punishing and heartless toward myself for the last 30 years. Not through actively self-destructive things like alcohol, drugs, reckless living, breaking the law, etc.
Instead I've wrecked my life...simply by never having had the balls to live it.
I'm not planning to actually kill myself anytime in the near future. But the possibility of suicide as something to consider to stop this unrelenting self-loathing I have for destroying my life is now "in my head" and it won't go away whereas I used to think of suicide as completely crazy and taboo.
Looking back I've realized that I've been extremely cruel and punishing and heartless toward myself for the last 30 years. Not through actively self-destructive things like alcohol, drugs, reckless living, breaking the law, etc.
Instead I've wrecked my life...simply by never having had the balls to live it.
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Apostle
Student
- Apr 17, 2019
- 129
I completely understand the feeling of wastefulness. My life is wrecked largely for the same reason. I even had a big, easy chance to live my ideal life in success and comfort. But of course I wasted it like everything else.
Donewitheverything
Ultimate Despair
- Apr 8, 2019
- 78
For my mother's sake. Plain and simple. I don't enjoy being alive, but still...
Weems
Experienced
- May 5, 2019
- 204
Brother, I am in the exact same boat. I just "woke up" at 30 to the realization that I'd pissed my life away. Before a psychosis in the fall ("found God," then lost him as I sobered up) I had been keeping myself going with delusions. But now it's so clear. For a long time I had only the terror of wasting my life; there seemed to be uncertainty. But now the curtain's drawn back and the disaster revealed. The emotion is horror.
For a miracle that's probably not coming. It's going to be a rough ride if I decide to keep going.
Weems
Experienced
- May 5, 2019
- 204
pane
Hollow
- Apr 29, 2019
- 358
Weems you're only 30; I'm 48. Staring down 50 and realizing you're headed for the second half of life with nothing to show for it and only going to get older, grayer, weaker and slower is quietly terrifying.
Obviously I don't know how physically/mentally functional you are or the circumstances of your daily life but if at all possible I BEG YOU beyond words to carve out some kind of life for yourself NOW that you can enjoy and be proud of rather than just scrape by day after day
Please, please don't fall into the trap of thinking "I have time" or "It's not all that horrible" or "I'll do something eventually" because before you know it 10 or 15 years will have slipped by and you'll be FAR worse off than you are now. I know exactly what I'm talking about.
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Weems
Experienced
- May 5, 2019
- 204
I think I had that chance and it was called school. I...turned against myself. Came to hate myself. And spent more and more time alone, accomplishing nothing.
Hey, your advice is good and wisdom hard-won. But we're on a suicide board. I ain't carvin' shit!
pane
Hollow
- Apr 29, 2019
- 358
30 isn't too bad still, I had some things happen and had my awakening at almost 35 now. It is scary but I'm trying to convince myself that there's a way to salvage something out of this. Most days I don't think so. But I'm still here I guess.
Weems
Experienced
- May 5, 2019
- 204
I know a little of how you feel because I talk to people younger than me the same way. I appreciate what you're trying to do.
Do you have any money? I'm paycheck-to-paycheck
pane
Hollow
- Apr 29, 2019
- 358
I know a little of how you feel because I talk to people younger than me the same way. I appreciate what you're trying to do. "
I was just trying to convey with a brief, understated comment that I won't argue with you.
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I probably don't seem too bad to some in the sense that I don't have an addiction, don't have a serious mental illness like schizophrenia, haven't committed a serious crime like murder, and have a career.
When I was a child, my parents were so violent to each on a regular basis I thought one would kill the other. It was all the time, years after years. Eventually, I just cracked under the pressure and dropped out of everything and completely withdrew. Then I struggled socially. I took school very seriously and did well, because I thought it would bring me a better life as an adult. But there's just something off about me that I cannot fix. What hurts the most is how I feel like I've rejected by someone I deeply loved because I was just so strange in a way. It's hard to explain. I just felt like these wounds from childhood were haunting me into adult hood. It wasn't like a movie where you move on because the movie needs to end. A lot of the problems I have with people can go back to the environment I was raised in.
I'm reaching the upper 30s, and I've tried everything. I tried being good, and whenever they wouldn't work I would experiment with being bad, thinking well everyone is doing this bad thing, and maybe that makes people feel better.
I tried doing well in school, I tried having long-term meaningful relationships with women, I tried casual, I tried drinking socially (I never drank as a kid because I was scared of anything that would affect my changes of escaping my parents), I tried not caring, I tried caring a lot by focusing on self-improvement, I've tried exercise, I've tried lift-weighting to make myself more attractive, I've tried getting more sleep, I've tried mimicking how other people act, I've tried being my quiet, awkward self, I've tried watching popular culture and TV, I've tried completely disengaging from it, I've tried atheism, and I've tried different religions, I've tried psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, and social workers, and so on.
I can distract myself for a short while, but I always come back to feeling completely detached from everyone. I've felt for long time this weird feeling like I can't relate to anyone, and worse, I can't feel love. I wonder if I was driven somewhat insane by my parents. But it's not a movie type insanity where it's obvious. I can still somewhat function.
I'm so physically tired these days. I exercise in the morning and read a little, eat, and go to work, deal with annoying people, then come home and can barely keep my eyes open. I feel haunted by memories of a former love who rejected me. She is with a man who is much better than I am on paper. I thought we loved and supported each other, but she wanted someone wealthier, less weird, and more of a man. I can't really blame her. She probably would have had a hard life with me.
But I might still have this problem even if she was with me, and I was wealthy. There's something wrong with my head, and I cannot find a fix. These days I am praying. Sometimes I think if I had done this differently, or that differently, my life would be different but really I think everything just comes back to the same point. My brain feels so bad, and I'm so tired physically.
I have not commuted suicide for religious reasons, and I don't think I would be successful. I don't think I could hang myself. I'm worried the gun would mutilate me and I'd still be alive. I'm terrified of making my situation worse. I sometimes wish the world would just end, like with societal collapse or global warming or something. Sometimes I just hope I'd get a terminal disease.
When I was a child, my parents were so violent to each on a regular basis I thought one would kill the other. It was all the time, years after years. Eventually, I just cracked under the pressure and dropped out of everything and completely withdrew. Then I struggled socially. I took school very seriously and did well, because I thought it would bring me a better life as an adult. But there's just something off about me that I cannot fix. What hurts the most is how I feel like I've rejected by someone I deeply loved because I was just so strange in a way. It's hard to explain. I just felt like these wounds from childhood were haunting me into adult hood. It wasn't like a movie where you move on because the movie needs to end. A lot of the problems I have with people can go back to the environment I was raised in.
I'm reaching the upper 30s, and I've tried everything. I tried being good, and whenever they wouldn't work I would experiment with being bad, thinking well everyone is doing this bad thing, and maybe that makes people feel better.
I tried doing well in school, I tried having long-term meaningful relationships with women, I tried casual, I tried drinking socially (I never drank as a kid because I was scared of anything that would affect my changes of escaping my parents), I tried not caring, I tried caring a lot by focusing on self-improvement, I've tried exercise, I've tried lift-weighting to make myself more attractive, I've tried getting more sleep, I've tried mimicking how other people act, I've tried being my quiet, awkward self, I've tried watching popular culture and TV, I've tried completely disengaging from it, I've tried atheism, and I've tried different religions, I've tried psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, and social workers, and so on.
I can distract myself for a short while, but I always come back to feeling completely detached from everyone. I've felt for long time this weird feeling like I can't relate to anyone, and worse, I can't feel love. I wonder if I was driven somewhat insane by my parents. But it's not a movie type insanity where it's obvious. I can still somewhat function.
I'm so physically tired these days. I exercise in the morning and read a little, eat, and go to work, deal with annoying people, then come home and can barely keep my eyes open. I feel haunted by memories of a former love who rejected me. She is with a man who is much better than I am on paper. I thought we loved and supported each other, but she wanted someone wealthier, less weird, and more of a man. I can't really blame her. She probably would have had a hard life with me.
But I might still have this problem even if she was with me, and I was wealthy. There's something wrong with my head, and I cannot find a fix. These days I am praying. Sometimes I think if I had done this differently, or that differently, my life would be different but really I think everything just comes back to the same point. My brain feels so bad, and I'm so tired physically.
I have not commuted suicide for religious reasons, and I don't think I would be successful. I don't think I could hang myself. I'm worried the gun would mutilate me and I'd still be alive. I'm terrified of making my situation worse. I sometimes wish the world would just end, like with societal collapse or global warming or something. Sometimes I just hope I'd get a terminal disease.
Holy shit, this speaks to me so much.
I guess right now I'm not really holding on. I'm only alive because I'm trying to tie up loose ends - make preparations, spend time with my family, friends, and cat, that sort of thing.
This describes me and my life EXACTLY.....I am 57, and also wrecked my life by not having the balls to live it
Anxiety is very real.
Afraid of failing and SI is difficult to overcome. I want to die in my sleep. Waiting for precious N
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Alchemist
Warlock
- Apr 3, 2019
- 709
Holding? Not really. More like fear of failure keeps me scared enough to use delusion as a coping mechanism.
My mother is very mentally unstable and I'm afraid my suicide would push her over the edge too.
I mean, I couldn't even blame her.
Also I don't have enough money to buy N yet. Tried hanging myself but couldn't stand the tightness in my head. SN is an option but somehow the idea of my skin turning blue after death is not very appealing. And I would not like a gory death and the possibility of traumatizing those who find my body.
I realize if I really wanted to CTB right now I'd just jump from a really high place and get it done. But because some part of me still wants to live, I keep finding excuses. Guess I'll have to hit rock bottom before I stop being so picky with my methods.
I mean, I couldn't even blame her.
Also I don't have enough money to buy N yet. Tried hanging myself but couldn't stand the tightness in my head. SN is an option but somehow the idea of my skin turning blue after death is not very appealing. And I would not like a gory death and the possibility of traumatizing those who find my body.
I realize if I really wanted to CTB right now I'd just jump from a really high place and get it done. But because some part of me still wants to live, I keep finding excuses. Guess I'll have to hit rock bottom before I stop being so picky with my methods.
Gorgon
A sad sad
- May 1, 2019
- 63
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