Venting "Why are you still here then if you don't want to live?"

[Siterfau]

"What's stopping depressed people from dying if death was truly what they wanted?"

Gee, I don't know, man. Maybe it's the expensive health bills if I get hospitalized after a failed attempt. Maybe it's the fact that it will cause undue trauma to my family if I go ahead with suicide. Maybe it's the fact that I don't have an accessible method that's guaranteed to kill me and not just put me in a worse spot. Maybe it's because I might get institutionalized against my will.

This is such a half-baked argument.

 

[Darkover]

because we've all been enslaved in the land of the slaves and we are not allowed to leave by our own hand, it's not like i can just walk into a shop and buy anything i would want because it's all been restricted by law

 

[Seeking_Peace]

I'm still relatively new here. I found out about N and D right as he ran out of supply. I wouldn't be here if I had N already. I'm not staying for others peace of mind.

 

[September5th]

This argument is so meaningless, it's funny.

Don't know, man. Perhaps it's because my literal existence is at the balance? I have family and all, you know?
I also wanted to go to the moon. Why am I not there yet? Such a piece of junk of an argument.
Relax, though. We'll all get there some day.

 

[Rational man]

I think its a difficult situation.

 

[ForeverBlue]

There's so many ways ( and think?) to die but people have strong phobias about certain which ways to choose. It's a load of shit

 

[Seeking_Peace]

People use "I want to die" way too loosely(Its lost it meaning). You can't be that serious about it but then have a million reasons why you can't.

 

[longenough]

Because as much as I wish to not exist, I was cursed with an automatic survival instinct that is ingrained in my genes and very hard to get over.
Because even though I personally don't value my life and existence per se, it feels almost unbearable to not only leave behind the pain of grieving for people I love, but also the additional pain of not understanding.
I personally never felt like life is a gift or a privilege and never, ever would judge someone who makes the decision to end their stay here on earth early. But I heard the anger and judgement in the voices of people that I love when they were talking about suicide and it hurts so much to know that this decision will forever alter their feelings towards me.
I don't know if it's possible to make somebody who never experienced it understand how it feels to wake up every day wishing you would have died in your sleep, but I have a feeling it's not.
And that's only the beginning of an answer to that question.

 

[Siterfau]

People use "I want to die" way too loosely(Its lost it meaning). You can't be that serious about it but then have a million reasons why you can't.

If you're referring to me, I listed that many reasons to show how many possible obstacles there are to CTB. The quote's implication is that the reason people don't CTB is because we secretly want to keep living.

 

[Cali101]

Im just scared of failing and ending up fucked up.

 

[Meliæ]

I'm living for my kids and family but I'm dead inside and my everyday wish is to go but I can't

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide really is so difficult and I think that someone who would say something like that is a non suicidal person who would have no idea how hard it is to leave this world as they have never researched it themselves.
We live in a world where our right to die is not respected, and in my case I have limited access to methods. The fear of failure is what holds me back as well. If it really was easier to leave, I would already be gone. If someone says something like that, then they should not be listened to.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Growing up, I had family troubles with a step sibling. I would do anything to avoid being around them. One Christmas, I said to my Grandma that I was considering volunteering at a soup kitchen or something over Christmas- I felt like it would be a legitimate reason to not have to be around this person.

She replied 'You should go ahead and do it then' but her tone was really curt- it was obvious that I had hurt her because she really valued being together as a family on special occasions.

I do wonder if this 'why don't you do it if you want it so much?' is a similar response- I think 'normies' feel a mixture of frustration, maybe desperation and even anger at the thought that you might actually go ahead with it and leave them.

On the one hand- it feels a bit like calling your bluff but on the other, I think it comes from a sort of anger at being made to face an uncomfortable subject that they just don't know how to respond to.

 

[Tortured_empath]

I don't want to die. But living, it's hard.

 

[Al Cappella]

I think it's a fair question. For many the hesitation ends up being a good thing, their depression is managed, they're no longer suicidal, and life goes on. Again, it's only a tiny fraction of any population that does ever commit suicide. I think it's even like 25-1 of people that attempt to folks that do.

The ones that don't—I think it's just not in their genetic makeup. The world would get a lot simpler were there a test for the appropriate marker, and folks could know. Then all this talk of SI and stuff could be laid to rest—if you don't have the marker you won't be able to. Saves everyone a needless amount of anguish.

 

[outrider567]

CTB depression is relentless with me each day--Each day I wake up she's not here, each time I come back from the supermarket, nothing, each time after I exercise I come back to our once happy place, now a place of deathly silence and stillness--But Still can't CTB as my brother's cancer has now spread to his spine, he needs my support to the end, and then it will be my end, will be my time to join her in the cemetery where she is now

 

[Hurt]

CTB is the most difficult choice a human being can make. It's OK to stick around. My dream is to die without ctbing.

 

[Twiceler]

"What's stopping depressed people from dying if death was truly what they wanted?"

Gee, I don't know, man. Maybe it's the expensive health bills if I get hospitalized after a failed attempt. Maybe it's the fact that it will cause undue trauma to my family if I go ahead with suicide. Maybe it's the fact that I don't have an accessible method that's guaranteed to kill me and not just put me in a worse spot. Maybe it's because I might get institutionalized against my will.

This is such a half-baked argument.

This is a good question. When I ask myself why I'm still here, it often ends with self-harm. Something inside of me lies that I still do matter. I want to overcome it. That stops me from ctbing.

 

[ornitier199]

This is exactly what the pest from my past (yeah him) said to me then. No it's not Ryan or Quentin—they're good., it's that other one from 2020.
Because most methods don't work. I'm actively trying everyday 6 hours a day. Self harming to increase the likelihood of death.
Sure I could jump or go under a train, but I would be lying in saying I would want to go that gruesome—I don't. It's why I gave up throat slitting for a couple other methods less bloody methods (heat stroke/bathtub electric) though I haven't gotten to electric yet because of a combination of all these wore my energy down significantly. I can feel myself dying, I'm just not dead yet.

 

[DarkRocket]

I ask myself this question at least once a month.....why haven't I had the balls to go yet.

My biggest reason is the feelings of my family and a few friends I have, I wish I was more coldhearted, and one day I will be, but now that's holding me back. My mom has done so much for me, and I want to at least wait a few more years before crushing her and the others.

The second reason is no CTB method is 100%. I may be idealistic, but I still hope one day, assisted suicide will be more mainstream, and I can have a doctor do all the hard work for me. Like put me to sleep before I take that final breath.

Does all this make me a coward? Not necessarily. I just want to make sure all my ducks are in order before I go.

 

[Manaaja]

Let's see:

I've literally tried to partial hanging about 50-100 times. Yes, literally that many times.
Tried full hanging twice. Failed first because my toes just and just were able to touch the floor and pillows. Second time I just couldn't do it because the place was awful and smelt like shit and was full of shit. Cannot do a third time because I don't have access to a place that's high enough.
Tried shallow water drowning several times. Didn't die. Would have to use a literal bathtube, a big one at that, for it, I guess.
Tried the night-night method several times. Kept that damn thing on my neck for hours, readjusting it many times. Didn't die.
Tried sodium nitrate poisoning. Tasted too salty, so I stopped before anything happened.
Tried yew poisoning. Worked and might have died. Didn't. I guess I just and just didn't ingest enough for it to be deadly or to faint. If I had taken just a little bit more I might have died. It gave me a fear of dying though. Haven't tried ctbing since then, since it was too traumatic mentally.
Would buy N if it was available and cheap. Falling to sleep instead of fainting with a fast heart beat sounds nice.
Fuck SN, heard it's like yew poisoning. I cannot do it if it involves a fast heart beat.
Thought about jumping, but there's no tall buildings or places where I could do it.
Thought about going to a lake and drowning, but fuck freezing cold waters, I don't have a boat to get into the middle of the lake, and people might see me and rescue me if I do it near the shore.
Would do it with a gun, but don't have a gun.
Tried stabbing my throat a few times, couldn't do it. But it was surprisingly easy mentally. I literally believe it would be easier for me to pierce my throat than to poison myself ever again.

Hahaha, I'm a professional ctb'er, tried almost all the methods that I have available. Gotta catch them all! So yeah, I don't know if there are any other methods I could try but haven't...

Oh wait, gases. Thought about using the gas methods, but I don't know how to gain access to them. What I mean is, I suck at lying, and if they asked me "what's this gas for?" I would have a hard time keeping a straight face and lying "I have a relative that uses it for their hobby and asked me to buy it for them". I don't know if I could carry them home either. They also require a lot of effort to set up, lots of parts, and a lot of money. There's the charcoal method, but I heard you need to use Asian charcoals or something for it. Not just any charcoals. And they too require special effort.

So yeah, waiting for that nice portal to open.

 

[novem]

They say ( Kübler-Ross) there are 5 stages of grief (in my native toung it sounds like 5 stages of acceptance of death) : denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
I feel like I am stuck in a cycle between anger, bargaining and depression. I feel that my new limitations are not deadly physically although they cause me physical pain, but working causes more pain and I imagine life is impossible without Labour for me.
In addition if I was straight and married maybe it would be easier but normal gay lifestyle is now out of reach for me. One guy told me I am not going to find a boyfriend any more. (Bc I am depressed and "lazy")
I know what is wrong with me but I cannot change it... Medicine can't give me my health back.
I am here because I am getting ready to ctb one day. So i am working to provision the best method. I know it is inevitable. The unknown is just when I do it.

 

[Awkward_Fox92]

because if I go now my older children are stuck going to a bio parent that is highly abusive and will be separated from their other sibling.

 

[Zzzzz]

There are many reasons why people don't do what they really want to do in life.

 

[emoless]

i fear pain