I should clarify I'm not only speaking about romantic love. This applies to those of us that are completely friendless for long periods. Not necessarily estranged from family but having lived apart a long time, also not sharing enough of a life path for further meaningful connection or interaction.
So I am also speaking about loneliness in general but specifically what condemns one to be so repulsive to get on the spiral of further alienation. For me there was a disintegration of all meaningful relations, which I figure is part of friends coming and going in life, but I see it is a standard thing to always have a person to commune with on the daily whether about the mundane or richer inner thoughts. There is a huge bias in going for the highly-recommended "just get outside and be active and see life!" advice hammered on depressed people, because you are gonna witness close friend groups in deep laughter and couples snuggling and one or two solo people, who are just on their way to an enriching social rendezvous. To the point where just going outside and seeing people having a kickass life doesn't seem much better than the much-maligned social media. The same thing applies. Other people parading their glorious social wealth.
Yes, just like social media, much of it is fake and bullshit, even when you see real life friends laughing it up and lovers holding hands, you don't see the drama and pettiness behind closed doors. Or at least that's some of what I experienced. Maybe distancing myself from the dramatic aspects of relations is part of what went wrong. Because at the end of the day, they are still happy social buzzing bees. Like when a person has been married and divorced five or six times and still always has another partner--are they really a failure? Even though they are losing everything every time, some force of will and love of life and can-do attitude is shining through, and in fact they have some degree of ability to pull it off time and time again. Same with moving to new cities and having awesome friend circles within days.
I don't believe it's 100% a charisma problem, or even people being "complete shit" as I've seen true pieces of scum time and time again get everything they want, even ones who seem obviously horrible, when it comes to love, marriage, the whole nine yards. Society is so cruel and inhospitable to people who cannot keep up socially or who have difficult modes and methods of expression.
What you say about highly successful and well-loved pieces of scum is true. That's partly why I am wondering about this in the same way as you, as though it is at some deeper level like divine providence. Though there is often some kind of assumed charisma about the scumbags, some kind of appealing aura. Maybe even the appeal of people knowing it is a scumbag but are seduced by drama and entertainment that make their own lives seem more happening once it is in shambles.
Depression does especially make it hard to communicate if you're trying to be genuine, just expressing the thoughts to people you think you might be able to always seems to push them away. I get that it's ugly and awful, but I've listened to other peoples' depressed thoughts over and over trying to be receptive, and it's rarely ever been returned in kind without obvious discomfort/disinterest on the other persons' part. No matter how delicately, in-depth, or optimistically I try to spin the intense struggle, they don't want to hear it from me. They want to talk with fun people who can be happy. I always wonder why too, wonder where I went wrong with my words, or if I went wrong in trying to say anything at all because no one was going to care in the first place. I tend to keep it to myself now too, obviously.
Very true. Depressing and negative stuff is never a fun topic. Even for the most depressed and negative people. It's part of why it is so tough to get out of a spiral, because the longer you go, the deeper and further you go.
And I am just as guilty. I don't want to be immediately bombarded with the tough struggles of a stranger. Though, I do lend an ear at times when I work up enough energy, because I have this fantasy I will be bonding with someone by hearing them out and forging some kind of rebirth for us both. This is rare of course. What happens is I am emotionally invested in someone else's pain and think there is some hope of connection, only for them to immediately be disgusted when I try an open up myself. Trauma dumping is a one-way street for most it seems. One will be nothing more than toilet paper upon which to smear a little bit of life's shit and then be flushed.
It's because I'm born with a deformity, my voice sounds annoying, I'm extremely pessimistic, my ideas and hobbies are bizarre and I have little to no work skills to be exploited.
But you need to know that nobody truly loves anyone. They love someone only if they can get something out of them. If you have little to nothing anyone desires, you will feel unloved, but you are actually just unusable to them. We are creatures who by default only love ourselves. Harsh reality.
I am sad to hear you were born with a deformity, which has likely worked against you from the very beginning.
It's a hard truth you speak of...it's all about what you are going to offer others. I guess for the average person there is just enough common understanding and things to offer that it becomes a two-way street, some kind of symbiosis of using one another.
It also explains why a cute fuzzy animal will be instantly loved and provided for over a human being that could work hours upon hours in service for another. Just there is plenty of labor from ugly humans and most needs met already, and a cute fuzzy animal offers a literal warm fuzzy from the start.
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Thanks for your responses. Does anyone know how to just for example start loving pop music, hyped-up politics, bombastic TV dramas, sports gossip, and that kind of stuff if you are a weirdo with anhedonia, so that you can start syncing up with the world around you and join in on the hive hug?
