Why are mornings draining my energy?

[Bukmeikara1]

For a month or two now, I would spend the day trying to overcome my negative thoughts. I would either talk to friend or by myself break down to pieces the things that make me unhappy. I can't say for certain that it has positive effect on me but past midday in 90% of the cases I feel a lot better. Just last night I realized (again) that big chunk of me wants to live and this was without thinking, I just knew it inside me. Everythings is OK, I go to sleep and what happens - I dream about a person I shouldn't dream of. In that dream, my thinking and motivation are the same as the "old" unhappy ways. I wake up this morning with a deep unhappy hole inside and my first thought, immediately after opening my eyes with no time to think - "Why you didn't do it" (took the overdose I was "planning" to do).

It's not the first time that happens to me. But I can't understand it, Am I just fooling myself by night and during the mornings the hard truth just hits me? Other possible idea - right now I am between jobs, not much money and not being in this position often - makes me insecure. Could it be that the day "scares" me because I have to act searching jobs and entering the unknown but even if that is true it shouldn't hit me every time I open my eyes.

Does any of you have similar experience?

 

[ChristopherWalken]

I've noticed the same. Mornings are the toughest. Some nights I wake up in terror. Terror of the life I'm facing, and also fear of death. Even though I would prefer to die than to continue living this torture, sometimes, especially at night, I feel terrified of death and dying alone and what lies beyond. So in the mornings I think, even if I haven't remembered my dreams, my mind must have been running over these scenarios. All the old thoughts are back again, the shame and sadness. It takes a few hours, sometimes I take my meds or a bunch of vitamins and powders ( I used to be an extreme health nut), and it gets a little better. As I go through the day my mood may pick up and sometimes I have hope for the future. Other times I still see the future as bleak and hopeless and my mind is set on suicide, but I'm not afraid of it. For some reason the night brings fear and the mornings roll back progress. But if you stick with it I think it may be a 3 steps forward 2 steps back and some days 3 steps back kind of thing. Frustrating but hang in there. Losing someone is the most painful thing but it does get better very slowly.